I want him to be happy

[stilllookingup]

Hi Kate's pl Thank you for stopping by. Self-worth... Well that's my biggest life challenge I've realized. It's really nothing to do with H but it's a struggle with myself really.

I came to US when I was 16 for the first time to stay with my uncle family and I remember I couldn't speak a word of English. I was so disappointed with myself that I decided to come back next year to spend a whole month with an American host family. I remember I was so confident I could communicate with them but 10 years later when I reunited with them they said they had such a hard time understanding me when I was staying lol. I chose to go to an American school in my country to pursue studying English more seriously. I came back in US when I was 22, went to school, worked, met my now H, went back to my country for few years and came back few years ago to marry H ans I've been here since. In my culture its rare we immigrate as a family. We usually come here as in international student while leaving the whole family and friends back home. I've done all this adventure all by myself, alone in a foreign country.

After we got married I moved here "for good" While it was very exciting there's the unspoken sadness inside of me I carried on. The reality hit and I often thought about how many times I can see my family in my life?. I love my in laws from the bottom of my heart and they have been so good to me but I couldn't help but to resent few times when I was asked by my in laws to remind my H to "call grandma" or "call to say happy Mother's Day" It was like every event/celebrations are for H family. I have my family across the ocean and I have to think about what to send for Mother's Day or Father's Day but I also have to worry about reminding H for his'?

Since I don't know when but I began to think H must make me happy because I left everything back home. I left everything to be with him here. Everything was happening on my terms. Getting an apartment, decorating the house, getting a car, getting cats, getting a house, trying for a baby and IVF until BD. Don't get me wrong, I've always asked for his opinions but if his was slightly off I would try hard to somehow convince him my idea was better. As kind and laid back he was he always gave me my way.

I rambled on but what I wanna say is that I got codependent on H big time over the years. H drove everywhere we went, we spent almost every weekend together and I'd give a fit if H wanted to go with his friends on weekends.

So you see? I've really lost sense of who I am over the years. The adventurous independent girl who landed here and did everything alone disappeared after she got married. I was so busy trying to create a traditional "married life," and when things on the list were not happening I panicked and pushed harder and totally forgot about H's feelings about his ideal married life.

Since BD I've started re-learning about myself. I now drive everywhere by myself (I don't have a choice now he's gone lol) and funnily enough that alone gave me a boost of confidence and since then I have done numerous new things. When my friends invite me to do something new I say yes and I'm regretful every day I didn't try new things over the last few years.

So Thank you Kate for reminding me again that I have to keep trying new things and accomplish things on my own. I need to hear that once in a while.