What do I do?

[sthelen]

H and I spent 4 hours on the phone Tuesday night where I finally, 4 months from bomb drop received the diatribe on all the ways I've failed him as a wife. So now I have some insight into the issues he never mentioned and never gave us a chance to address. He handled them in the worst way possible and is adamant that he is DONE and does not want to work on the marriage.

So, kill him with kindness. I wished him well, told him we need to focus on a peaceful divorce and co-parenting relationship. You never know what the future holds, maybe we'll find our way back to each other.

I feel in my heart that unless/ until I'm committed to someone else, the door is still open for him to come out of his OW fog and realize the marriage/ family is worth working for. I don't have expectation that that is going to happen, I'm just being honest about the way I feel at this moment.

I'm at peace with moving on. I'm focusing on my future with my children, focusing on selling the house and excited about picking out a new place all my own. And I've told the kids they can get a dog. They've always wanted one but H is allergic.

Still sad about the end of a marriage, I feel strongly it could have and still could be saved if he was willing to do the work. Angry about the way he handled it but committed to dealing with that in therapy and not letting it turn to resentment. And just disappointment over it all.

[cat04]

So you are done?

Or are you ready to start addressing things?

Look, it sukcs when they don't tell you what is wrong until they have made a decision.

Guess what, almost everyone here can tell that same story.

You are laying all of this in his lap.

You haven't even answered my simple question of why you were waiting for him to act before you tried to begin to heal...

You have no crystal ball so you don't know what the future holds but I can tell you, if you don't start working on you, so he can see the changes, you will more than likely not ever reconcile with him.

Have you ever heard of the Butterfly Effect?

[sthelen]

Sure I'll address the issues but at the root of it all, it seemed to be issue #1 was sex. Of course I can't do anything about that at this point...unless there's something I'm missing.

He also said I'm lacking ambition. I'm going back to school in August so that I can return to work for the first time in 11 years.

He said I'm not social enough. I've done a great job of reaching out to people and making friends since BD and he has noticed and commented. I've built a pretty great support network.

He says we don't have common interests. I'm not sure what to do about that other than to try new things on my own just to show that I'm willing to try new stuff.

He says we grew apart, we were young, not everyone is meant to be together forever and we just didn't work. So if there's any way I can address any of that I'd love ideas. We have 3 young kids so we will still have pretty regular contact.

He says I always wear gym clothes. I've made an honest effort to get dressed in real clothes every single day since BD and don't think he's seen me in gym clothes since. I've also made a point of wearing make up most days.

As far as being done? No, just accepting that he doesn't want to be married to me right now and I can't stop the divorce process...but that's separate from my relationship with him. I will focus on making my life and my future as positive and happy as possible and if we find our way back together, great.

I think the best way to give us a shot in the future is to keep the divorce process and co-parenting relationship as positive and amicable as possible so I'm really focusing on doing that as well. It would be very easy for that to go south and us start hating each other. I'd really like to prevent that. I think he's committed to that too.

And I think it goes without saying that he would have to make some positive changes in his life for this to work. I can't overlook the fact that he's been having an affair and lying through his teeth for the last 4-8ish months.

[lovethehub]

St Helen,

I am sorry you found out your H is having an A, I know how much it [censored] (I've been the cheater and the one cheated on) but it doesn't mean your H wants your M to be over regardless of what he is saying today. He is confused and you are as hurt as you will most likely ever be, as well as confused. You cannot make any decisions now.

Most of your conversation sounds like WAS script. Take what you can from it to learn and grow but, as you know, this is certainly not all your fault.

I think the best way to give us a shot in the future is to keep the divorce process and co-parenting relationship as positive and amicable as possible so I'm really focusing on doing that as well. It would be very easy for that to go south and us start hating each other. I'd really like to prevent that. I think he's committed to that too.

The best way to give you a shot for the future is to 180 his complaints. Yes you have to have a PMA and keep things friendly for your children but you need to being to DB. You haven't done that at all.

You need to start some activities (GAL)

You need to detach (every time you want to remind him of something from your M, argue with him, cry, have a R talk with him either get on here and vent or journal - do NOT talk to him about your M at all)

You want to be a little mysterious

My H wanted a D back in Feb, we had zero physical contact, R talks, etc.. for 3 months. I was always nice to him and I made a lot of inner changes - they are the important ones - he noticed. I know he is still watching to see if it is real and I know that it is. We are getting better each day and I believe we are starting to heal. Yesterday we had a long talk and he mentioned us going back to counseling.

My point above is that you have to really work on yourself and grow. Not just to get your H back but to fix the things that you need to fix to be a better person regardless. Once the changes are for you, they may allow your M to be fixed.

Hang in there. I know how badly you are hurting right now, I know how painful it is to find out that information. Take some time for yourself; when you are alone, allow yourself to cry; take walks; go out with girlfriends.

You will get through this and we will all help you.

[sthelen]

Thank you.

[lovethehub]

How are you?

[sthelen]

Not great, actually. I told the kids we're getting divorced. My daughter asked why God hates us, why he would let this happen. They all cried. I cried. She said she never wanted to be like the kids in her class that have divorced parents. I never wanted that for them either. Not at all. My neighbors were all great, talked to my kids afterwards, fed us all dinner. And called to check on us today.

[sthelen]

Woke up feeling blue this morning. Just really feeling the loneliness.

[chasingpavements]

Hi, its Hwy61 (had username changed). Hang in there! I just caught up on your situation. You are at the same spot I was a few months ago. It sounds to me as though perhaps your H had held onto a lot of grudges, but didn't openly talk to you about anything that was bothering him. In a way it is good that he has finally opened up to you about his complaints.

The same exact thing happened to me back in February. My H finally told me every single little thing that had been bothering him. At the time, I was VERY defensive, trying to argue every point he was bringing up. This was before I knew anything about DB'ing. Knowing what I do now, and from reading Divorce Remedy and this forum, I would have known to VALIDATE!! And to really take note of what complaints he was bringing up. Like lovethehub stated, now is the time to 180 the complaints, and to prove to him that you are ready to change, and that the changes are permanent. That is key!

It is not over til it's over. My H told me at one point he was done as well, but we are still continuing on. It is not perfect, and we are still in limbo, but slowly things are getting better.

Hope you are feeling better,
(((((hugs)))))

-cp

[chl0901]

Hi sthelen, I'm sorry about your H's A. I know what you mean when you say, "And I think it goes without saying that he would have to make some positive changes in his life for this to work. I can't overlook the fact that he's been having an affair and lying through his teeth for the last 4-8ish months." It's hard to be the one making the positive changes when obviously our spouses need to make some pretty big changes themselves, but aren't (at least at this point). I hope that you are feeling a little bit better today; try and keep up that PMA. Keep wearing "real" clothes, and looking nice for yourself - I know I feel better when I feel I look nice.