Emapthy for the WAS

[BKS]

Mr Bond,

Things that were discussed in MC were typical WAS stuff.

She said that she didn't know what she wanted. She said she wasn't happy. She didn't say anything about wanting to try to make it work or show any signs of actually wanting to work on M.

She did what others on this forum have told me that she would do. She used MC as a platform to say that she tried everything she could to make our M work. She was pretending to work on M so that she doesnt look like she's the bad guy. She has only gone to couples counseling twice. IC only once.

She said she feels like I am controlling and our financial problems are a big part of her resentment.

She told me that she has been working on trying to reconcile our issues for a long time. That one caught me off guard because we have barely talked for the last 5 months.

So, when I get served my D papers, how do I proceed?

As far as financially, should I separate my bills from hers now or wait until I am actually served papers or D?

Thanks for your help MrBond

[BklynMom]

Great advice thumpered

[BKS]

Journaling:

Last Sunday I had to head off to work on a five day trip. W told me that she was taking the kids bowling with a girlfriend. Her plans changed last minute and said that she was going to a bday lunch with her aunt and then going bowling.

When I came home from work my son and I were catching up on his week of fun. I asked him how bowling was and he said good but moms GF didn't go, divorced-dad went with them. W never mentioned that she went with him and I haven't said anything about it to her either.

Now with her saying that she is filing for D I see no reason to bring it up other than journaling it here.

She has said in the past that she is going out with or over to her GFs house. I believe that she does go out with her GFs but I suspect that she has gone to see divorced-dad too. One night she left unexpectedly, at 11pm and didn't come home until after 2am. My suspicions of a PA you aroused by that. I asked her if she was having an EA/PA and she said no. I probably shouldn't have asked but I wanted to here it from her personally.

MLC/WAS situations are tough on an LBS. No doubt they are tough on the WLC/WAS too but my opinion is that it is tougher emotionally on the LBS.


BKS

[Maritimer]

Sorry to hear about the discouraging news. I see some mind reading going on. You cannot control her actions, if she told you yes she is having a PA would that make you feel better? I had the same thought about my wife and it did nothing but snowball into more negative emotions.

She is looking out for herself now, which is harder for you as you still want to build a future with her and she is not interested. Rejection from a love one is a tough pill to swallow.

Give her space, continue to improve yourself for the better, be the best dad you can be for your kids. They will be going through alot now too.

Keep your head held high and continue DB'ing with grace and integrity!

[BKS]

Thanks Maritimer,

Im in an Acceptance cycle now I think. This was the shock to my system I believe I needed to get to this stage of acceptance. I am sure now that I will be served D papers in the very near future and that there is nothing I can do about it.

I don't like it one bit but I accept the fact that this is her decision and I have no control over it. Not feeling like I am in limbo anymore is a better feeling (for the time being) than being IN limbo.

I am moving forward from here. I am still a stander for my W and I will be until I cant handle it anymore. At the time of this writing, I believe my line in the sand will be when she finds herself in a R, after the D. When that is confirmed, I believe I will end my standing. Time will tell.

I have been doing a LOT of reading on here. I have realized that my W is not a WAW but actually an MLCer. She may actually be a hybrid MLC/WAS but primarily a MLCer.

BKS

[MrBond]

"She said she feels like I am controlling and our financial problems are a big part of her resentment."

Did she elaborate?

"She told me that she has been working on trying to reconcile our issues for a long time. That one caught me off guard because we have barely talked for the last 5 months."

Did she explain HOW she tried to reconcile your issues? Many times a WAS will say this, and say that they've been doing it without the LBS's knowledge. Well that's bull because if the LBS doesn't know there's something wrong, how can anything be reconciled?

"So, when I get served my D papers, how do I proceed?"

Take things one step at a time. Start going out and going dark right now.

"As far as financially, should I separate my bills from hers now or wait until I am actually served papers or D? "

Do what you need to do to protect yourself financially.

[Thumpered]

I know how tough it is BKS, take the baby steps, and stop thinking about the future. Your getting ahead of yourself.
With the acceptance, comes the grieving, allow yourself to work thru it at your own pace, its not a race after all.

I hope your taking care of yourself, mentally and physically. Its still a long path to walk. The best way to get down it, is one foot in front of the other, no looking back. Don't be afraid to stop and smell the roses here and there.

Good luck

[25yearsmlc]

BKS,

I am not a vet but have been reading about your sitch so i thought i could at least offer some advice based on my experiences with both my W and I going to MC.

In my opinion and i firmly believe this is what happens:

MC was probably the single biggest reason why my wife filed for divorce.

We only made it to 3 sessions, but she already had her foot out the door before the first one. She basically admitted it to me after.

The counselor spent the sessions trying to dig up our past rather than offering soulutions for the future.

My wife was seeing an IC previously and i suggested we both see a MC. I soon learned after that she had already talked to her friends and sister about possibly filing for D.

I am convinced that she agreed to go to MC so that she could tell all her friends and family that we tried everything to save our M, when in fact she had already made up her mind.

I am not here to tell you MC doesnt work, but if only one person is willing to do the work, it will NOT help at all.

I would tell anyone considering MC to give it some serious thought before both of you go, because if your W says she is not happy, MC will NOT help.

Just my opinion, hope it helps.

Just wanted to comment on this post.

IN THIS MAN'S CASE the MC was probably too little too late BUT the MC in question

is solution based and had DB on his shelf. So if it had been done earlier, I think THIS particular MC might have helped.

Probably 2/3 of the MC's we saw over 3 decades did little to no good for us, but the other third were very helpful.

Don't throw out the baby with the bath water.

What about Retrovaille? Have you looked into it? Sorry if I missed that