Getting back on the horse gracefully....

[Valeska19]

@ LaBug - Yes!! I fear that alot actually. You the know the old saying - 1st time - Shame on you, 2nd time - shame on me.

Which plays into...

@ Wonka - Yes!! I fear that my x has not changed. I want to believe that she HAS changed.. but as someone who married an addict/abuser - my hopes were up many times. There were sooo many times when I wished she would be exactly the woman she is portraying herself now to be.

And I don't want that in my life anymore. The hopes/The fears. The mentality that a victim of abuse has. That's part of why I want to meet with her. I realize that it's my place to work through my fears.. but as a boundary to protect my heart - her owning up to it.. isn't enough for me. She will need to rebuild that trust. I am not opposed to that taking time, or being work.. but if it's not that - I have no interest.

I told 25 once that I'm ONLY interested in the new X. If this is her way of testing the waters or whatever - she can go back to not talking to me. Not because I care about her any less now.. but caring about me more and putting up those boundaries will help the both of us - or at the very least - me

At the same time, I want to be honest with her that I'm scared. I have a habit of not expressing my feelings and expecting people to read my mind. I do this for many reasons that I need to work on.. but the #1 is the fear that my opinion will not be heard and the person I choose to express it to will do nothing.

Because that has been my x for 10 years. I expressed myself - she did nothing.

I can't go back to her doing nothing. I can't go back to the old x in the same way I can't go back to the old Val.


I made a decision long ago that choosing to love myself and choosing to love her at the cost of our marriage or our friendship was okay. That loving someone or myself is never wrong - and as long as my motives were pure - things would work out just how they were supposed to.

I still believe that to be true.

@MK - I can't imagine how hard it must be with children. My friends argue with this saying "What's the point to have x in your life" and some days I don't have an answer.