2 year A confirmed

[complicated]

I haven't been on in a while so I thought I should update.

I have been at this since about 2010 when things pretty much had fallen apart and he said he didn't love me anymore. Not sure if that is when I got the ILYBINILWY speech or not.

I have finally reached a point where I ran out of patience shovels. I think what did it for me was after the revelation of the A and h saying he stopped it then he went back.

I thought I was going to be able to keep standing but I think after 3 years and taking the verbal abuse it finally wore me down.

I don't regret making the changes I did because I needed to make them. I do see that I am a much better person. I also think that if/when I get into another r I will be a better partner.

What I finally realized was that I wanted to find a special person to spend time with. I love spending time with my kids but they are getting older and they have their own friends to hang out with. I like doing things with my friends but I miss having that special person to share other things with and having that special relationship that 2 people in love share.

I have never been one to cheat. I could never even cheat on a boyfriend I wanted to break up with so for me dating while still married is not an option.

I told h 2 nights ago I could no longer stand and fight for our m. It was very tearful. I have spent more than half of my life with h and I thought we would spend the rest of it together. There were things he said that told me he may not be done such as he said that if we stayed together he wanted to move because that house has painful memories.

But more often he is argumentative and puts me down and blames all of his unhappiness on me. Apparently he is not done baking enough to know that only he can make himself happy.

I continue to be nice to h even when he puts me down. I have just said that if he cannot say anything nice to please leave me alone. I told him I refuse to argue with him. I also told him that I knew and God knew that I gave it everything I could and at the end of the day and that is what mattered.

Today he continued to argue through texting. While they are going through this they just done't get it.

I feel like I am in a good place. Everyone on here has really helped me see that we really will be OK whether or not we save our m because we have saved ourselves.

I think it will still be difficult going through the d but I feel like I am better prepared for it. I think in total I have been going through this for at least 4+ years when you add in everything which includes a 3 year affair. He finally admitted to it being 3 years.

Thanks to everyone who has posted and helped me get there and even those who didn't reading other people's threads helped tremendously.

[complicated]

H stopped by tonight. Something tells me now that I have told him that I'm done that maybe he's not so sure.

I told him I am tired of being in limbo and since he went back to OW I've reached my limit.

He said he wanted to talk some more. I told him that if it was to continue to bash me don't bother. I told him that I realized that I contributed to our problems but I'm not wholly to blame. I also told him that I worked on myself and i was ready to meet someone. Sometimes he recognizes this sometimes he says I haven't changed. He has also told his family and I don't think he received a ton of support from them. He must have told them that people, maybe including the kids, have not been too happy and they must have said something like "what did you expect"? Really? I don't think he was expecting that from his family.

Something is making me think that he is starting to think "if everyone is making comments like this to me maybe I may have some blame in this".

One thing he is REALLY hung up on is Father's Day. I don't know if I mentioned it but about 5 days before Father's Day I sent out a message to the girls and h. My sister was having Father's day who was coming. Everyone said they were available and of course h didn't respond. He still gets invited to my side of the family functions. The day before Father's day his sister decides to have Father's Day. So I tell the girls my deal started at 4:30 his at 5:30 so go to mine until 5:30 then go to Dad's and spend the rest of the evening with him since he's your dad. Well now I'm selfish, have to have my way because they weren't there for the dinner part. So just like everything else in the last 28 years I'll never live that one down.

He also admitted that he didn't know if ow would work out anyway or if the kids would ever accept her. At least he is starting to think of the kids. I know they say that the spouse is the last one they bring back into their life but really right now it doesn't even matter.

So I'm still ready to move on. If we have a conversation soon that he tells me that he has had second thoughts and he is willing to stop all communication with ow and work on our m then maybe I'll change my mind but I can't see him agreeing to that and 4 years or so is a long time to stand and be treated like dirt. But he never feels like talking so I can't see that even happening.

Good Night DBers! Looking forward to the weekend and relaxing. Hopefully going to stay cooler.

[ForeverYoung]

H stopped by tonight. Something tells me now that I have told him that I'm done that maybe he's not so sure.

Funny how that works, isn't it?

So I'm still ready to move on. If we have a conversation soon that he tells me that he has had second thoughts and he is willing to stop all communication with ow and work on our m then maybe I'll change my mind but I can't see him agreeing to that and 4 years or so is a long time to stand and be treated like dirt. But he never feels like talking so I can't see that even happening.

You just stay ready to move on. Don't give in to H insincere commitment just because he's now scared. You are the prize... he has to chase you, do the work on himself and earn you. That's the only way this'll work. Stay done... for now.

[complicated]

Thanks FY that's what I intend to do.

I think like so many of us on here we stand and wait. After so many years I got tired of it. Even though I probably still love him at some point I also see that I needed to move on I missed having someone special. He had ow. As long as he had her who knows how long this could have gone on.

H's a had turned into an r and even though it was on shaky ground who knows. She had started to show her true colors but it didn't seem like h had really seen it.

FY yes I think he is scared. He has mentioned to me about the kids and starting over. He blames that on me because I want the house. Seriously? When you don't want your m and you have an OW isn't that what happens? You start over. I guess he wanted me to lose all of that. Of course he still blames me for everything so he still has a ways to go.

[Takevowsserious]

Hi complicated ~

I have tried to read up on affairs, read anything I can find whether its related to MLC or not.

The common theme is always that affairs rarely last. They are doomed from the beginning. People involved in affairs think that they are different, that their R will be the one that finds lasting love. Yeah right.

Doesn't make it less hurtful for us though.

I think you are absolutely right in that as long as your H blames you for stuff, he has a way to go. That's one of my ways to temp check H - if he's still blaming me for stuff, he's not ready to face his own stuff.

And I'm with FY... If H ever comes through and wants to reconcile with me, he's going to have to move heaven and earth to make that happen. He has a lot of work to do to win back my trust and respect.

I guess I'll cross that bridge if/when I get to it.

You deserve better than to be treated like dirt.

Have a good weekend

[complicated]

Hi T.

I agree. It is very hurtful. Even though I told him I'm done and he wants to do some more talking he always has an excuse why he can't.

I told him even with a d we have to communicate.

I know he feels pressure but you know, I feel like I have been standing for so long and I'm ready to move on. If HE isn't sure that is what he wants he better find a time soon to talk. The longer he delays talking about it the more done I am.

I never thought I would feel this way. I guess it's because it has lasted so long. I know what they say about affairs T but this one has lasted 3 years. I think he realizes it won't work, there are too many strikes against it, but he can't figure out how to completely break it off and to recognize the problem really isn't me but he has issues.

I do think your h is moving along. He also never seems to have that mean streak like my h does. Your h still has a lot of work to do but it does seem like he is working. I do know that my h has mentioned the kids. That is one thing we have the OW doesn't have that makes us worth fighting for.

I also think that it seems like once the a is out in the open it is harder for them. My h has told me that ow is not happy with him. Who cares? I think this has put a strain on their "fun" and "understanding" relationship. Other people that know about the a now also hasn't reacted the way he thought. No one is happy with him and he can't understand why because in "his" eyes it was all my fault. Well, he blames himself a teeny weeny bit.

Hope everyone has a great day! It has been cooler here the last week so a great time to do stuff outside.

[BklynMom]

Maybe after 3 years the GF isn't putting out like she used to and now she nags and is acting wifey, who wants that?

Of course it was all your fault - you are the b!tch.

[complicated]

Yeah, when will I get that through my thick head.

H wasn't feeling good yesterday and after dinner I ran some medicine out to his parents house. We finished our talk from the other day. I had told him a few days ago that I was done. He told me the other day he wanted to talk but he was tired then never would finsh.

He told me that he wanted to get himself out of his mess, ie the a, and work on us. He said it wouldn't be a quick process. I said I know it won't because there are a lot of issues to work out. He also talked about all of the damage.

Apparently he had talked to his mom again, this time I guess he didn't feel so defensive. His moods are still swinging daily.

When I was leaving his mom was up and we talked a little. She is very worried about him. MIL still wont acknowledge ow.

So I don't know how he is going to go about getting out of his mess. One of the things he brought up is he realizes she showed her true colors when she came to the house and when she called and text me. Of course I didn't respond. I think all of that has helped him start seeing the light.

This is the first time h has said he wanted to work on us in at least 3+ years. So just when I thought I was finished I am being pulled back in but I am excited to actually know that he is willing to make an effort. I know it is going to be a sloooow process. I'm ok with that. I know he has to finish his journey.

[I_willSurvive]

Complicated, my MIL won't acknowledge the possibility of ow either. She, herself was the victim of many affairs and has always chosen to stick her head in the sand regarding such matters. I was just talking with my friend the other eve about this very same thing. She assured me that even though my mil won't acknowledge, SHE KNOWS, she just chooses to not acknowledge because that would mean that her prince isn't the perfect man that she has built him up to be.

I am still very new to this process, but things are progressing very rapidly towards divorce. Not sure if H and I will ever have the opportunity to work on our marriage, but I recommend not closing yourself off to the possibility; it's what you've been fighting for so hard and for so long. One day at a time.

[BklynMom]

That is fantastic positive news!!

You are so smart to remember how long this will take. Are you in personal therapy or a support group - I am guessing it is more important then ever to stay focus on your well being and GAL.

Let his mother be the negative, you should be on his team if he is willing to work on it.

25 has told a story of a couple she knew growing up, where the H left or cheating on his wife years before hand and he came back. The problem was the W told the everyone about it and he never lived it down. He was never forgiven.