Husband Threatened to Leave, Don't know what to do

[Lll54]

So, this is the second time I have been here. I was here a few years ago with a similar problem. This is now the second time my husband is threatening to leave me. The last time he claimed it was due to being "unhappy". There were a lot of factors that went into it and we went to counseling and be actually ended up leaving for 2 months. In the end he came home, we reconciled and our marriage became really strong. So strong that we decided to have our third baby. Life has been good until last week...

He came to me and told me he is just struggling with our lack of intimacy. He isn't happy with the amount of sex we have, and feels I am just not loving enough. His love language is definitely "touch and affection". And mine is not. I love him more than words can say but showing affection just doesn't come naturally to me. So I did what most woman in desperation would do and begged and pleaded. Which made him angry. So I stopped. Called my marriage counselor from the past and asked for guidance. He told me to ask myself if this is a lifestyle change I would be willing to make and I said yes, of course. So that's what I have been doing. Making love and affection apart of my life. He seems to be taking it in, he thanks me for kisses and hugs me back when i come in for it but he is not initiating ANYTHING. Which is not like him. It scares me that he is already gone. I can't decipher if its that or if he is just keeping himself in a protected place in case I don't follow through.

Everything seemed to be going ok. It's only been a week and he still talks about the future and makes plans and stuff but this morning told me he is still so angry and is taking it out on the kids and hates that. He doesn't want to be angry anymore.

I just don know what to do or say to help. And I'm scared I'm losing him minute by minute and he is just gonna pack up and leave.

If anybody can offer and advice I would greatly appreciate it. Thanks

[TrentC]

Long time no see; I'm sorry you found yourself back here.

Don't worry about the begging and pleading; maybe you should have known better from the last go-around but having someone tell you they are unhappy and want out is not easy to handle, especially when you think you've worked through it.

You say that he is angry; how does he feel about marriage counseling? You mentioned that you talked to a counselor, but has he? Keep in mind that you HAVE dealt with this kind of thing and worked through it, at least for a while.

And I hate to bring it up, but how likely do you think it is that there is another woman again? Lack of intimacy is a prime motivation for going somewhere else to have your needs met.

[Lll54]

Trent!!! Oh how I've missed you and your words of advice:) can you even believe I'm back here again? I can't:(

I have been making it a conscious decision every morning to show him my affection. I have been doing all the initiating. I am trying not to overdo it so that it looks forced but its hard. He is reacting for sure and enjoying it but isn't giving me anything in return. Until this morning he came and laid by me in bed and asked me to cuddle him. But then followed through with the statement that he feels like he is still so angry inside. In didnt know what to say so I didn't say anything. I don't wanna say the wrong thing?!

He has told me in the past week that if he we leaving he would have left and hasn't, and that if he didnt feel we could fix this problem he would be gone and I realize its built up and isn't going to get better overnight but in struggling with the right actions and what to do or say to help him get through this and realize our marriage is worth it.

He even got our wedding date tattooed on his finger a few months ago!! He told me bats how much faith he has in our marriage!

No I don't have any reason to believe there is another woman. I understand when it's a problem like this that's natural but I can wholeheartedly say I'm 100% sure that isn't the case.

He wasnt up for counseling last go around so I don't forsee him wanting to go this time either. It just really helps me to talk and get advise where as he is the opposite.

Thanks for all your support and advise in advance.

[TrentC]

If he is optimistic that things can be saved then that is a huge thing. It means that he is still invested enough in the relationship to want to make it work.

If he is willing to do it then I would recommend marriage counseling. Lay it all out on the table: you are not as physically affectionate as your husband would like you to be, and you want to be able to meet his needs in order to preserve the marriage, but it's simply not the way you are wired.

Does the physical contact HAVE to be sex? Do you think that simply being willing to hug and kiss, or sit on the couch together when watching a movie, would be enough to lessen the necessity for more intimate contact? Trying to be more physically affectionate is a positive step, but I hope that you can become more comfortable with it; if you are really forcing yourself to do it then he will notice, and doing something you don't like just to please him isn't a realistic long-term strategy.

The next question is, how is he at meeting YOUR needs? If your needs are going unmet then that could affect your willingness to go the extra mile for him.

[Lll54]

Yes I feel like he really doesn't want to go. I really think be just doesnt know how to deal with his emotions. I think he feels them alot stronger than others because he is a very emotional person. He went out last night and text me in the middle to update me and let me know when he would be home. And then apologized this morning for being so late. He seems to be trying...he also actually initiated a hug today which was so nice.

No it isn just sex at all, it's everything. He craves touch, hugs, kisses, everything. So I have decided to make it my effort to make that apart of my life. He needs that to breath in our marriage. He has asked me a million times and I have shoved it under the rug. Took him to threaten to leave for me to finally listen. Sad on my part. But I'm committed now. It's just to prove it. Cause I can tell he doesn't believe ill change. And he is holding back because of that. My struggle is to get him to have faith in me....

[TrentC]

Took him to threaten to leave for me to finally listen. Sad on my part. But I'm committed now. It's just to prove it. Cause I can tell he doesn't believe ill change. And he is holding back because of that. My struggle is to get him to have faith in me....

The way to do that is through consistency. The longer you can demonstrate that you want to change and have changed, the more he will come to believe it.

You'll be fine.

[AnotherStander]

He came to me and told me he is just struggling with our lack of intimacy. He isn't happy with the amount of sex we have, and feels I am just not loving enough. His love language is definitely "touch and affection". And mine is not.

First let me ask if you've read the 5 Love Languages, because if you have then you should at least know the names of the PLL's. "Touch and affection" isn't one of them. I'm guessing you mean "Physical Touch". Make sure you know and understand what his PLL is. Are you guessing that it's PT or did you have him take the quiz? Do not guess, because you'll likely guess wrong. Most of us guess wrong even on our own PLL.

I love him more than words can say but showing affection just doesn't come naturally to me.

That's OK, none of us is very good at demonstrating love in someone else's PLL. That's why so many of us need to read the book, and keep reading it.

He told me to ask myself if this is a lifestyle change I would be willing to make and I said yes, of course. So that's what I have been doing. Making love and affection apart of my life. He seems to be taking it in, he thanks me for kisses and hugs me back when i come in for it but he is not initiating ANYTHING.

It's very likely he sees it all as "too little too late". WAS's spend months or even years letting their resentment build, so often by the time they say something they are already beyond done in the M. All the LBS can do is work on themselves, do 180's on their faults and be very patient. You said he just came to you with this BD last week, so your sitch is still VERY young. Don't expect any positive signs from him for months.

Everything seemed to be going ok. It's only been a week and he still talks about the future and makes plans and stuff but this morning told me he is still so angry and is taking it out on the kids and hates that. He doesn't want to be angry anymore.

I don't understand why he's "angry", can you expand on that? Is he angry because he felt he deserved more sex in the marriage? I could understand "frustrated", but "angry" doesn't seem to fit unless there's more going on then what you described in the OP.

I just don know what to do or say to help.

Go back and brush up on your DB'ing. It saved your M once, so you already know what works. Back off. Give him time and space. You CAN'T FIX him. Don't try to say or do anything to help him. Work on you and leave him to work on his demons.

And I'm scared I'm losing him minute by minute and he is just gonna pack up and leave.

He very well might. He did it before, so he's that much more likely to do it again. It didn't end your M last time, so there's no need to be upset about it this time. If he leaves, don't try to stop him. Just tell him you support whatever decision he makes.

[AnotherStander]

I really think be just doesnt know how to deal with his emotions. I think he feels them alot stronger than others because he is a very emotional person.

You think you think you think. If you don't KNOW his emotions then this is a huge problem in your marriage. You cannot assume you know what he's feeling, because I promise, you're not even guessing in the ballpark. I'm not sure he's ready for it now, but the two of you could definitely benefit from Retrouvaille. It'll give you tools for exploring each other's feelings and emotions.

[Lll54]

Thank you AnotherStander for your insight. Yes we have read the five love languages when we got married. He is physical touch. You are right. I know for sure it's been months of build up cause be has come to me with the problem numerous times in the past. I'm just having such a hard time with him being so cold to me. I don't have the patience for it to take months. It's tearing me up inside. We had a great night last night. He was in a very good mood and we had a great night in bed. Then he just popped in on his lunch break and is the opposite. So grumpy. And I asked what's wrong and he just said he is so grumpy. So I gave him a hug and held tight. He didnt hug back but he did bring his head down to my level to respond a little bit. When he left I gave him a kiss and told him I loved him and he quietly under his breath said he loved me too. Is he jus sayin this and doing this cause he has to in the moment? I can't handle the on/off good day/bad day. It's an emotional roller coaster and its killing me inside.

I don't know why he is angry either. I think it means he is angry at me for not listening to him in the past and now taking it seriously. Im not sure. He wAsnt angry at all yesterday and we had a nice day! And cuddled all night long and he thanked me and everything. Then today it's a nightmare.

It's almost like he is trying so hard then can't fight it anymore and breaks down. It's so similar to last time...I'm just waiting any minute for him to come
Home and tell me he is leaving..

[TrentC]

I'm just having such a hard time with him being so cold to me. I don't have the patience for it to take months. It's tearing me up inside. We had a great night last night. He was in a very good mood and we had a great night in bed. Then he just popped in on his lunch break and is the opposite. So grumpy. And I asked what's wrong and he just said he is so grumpy. So I gave him a hug and held tight. He didnt hug back but he did bring his head down to my level to respond a little bit. When he left I gave him a kiss and told him I loved him and he quietly under his breath said he loved me too. Is he jus sayin this and doing this cause he has to in the moment? I can't handle the on/off good day/bad day. It's an emotional roller coaster and its killing me inside.

I know how you feel. But consider it from his point of view. It sounds like he has been asking—begging?—for things to change and you, by your own admission, have been ignoring him. People don't make up their mind to go unless they believe there is no chance that things will get better.

I don't know why he is angry either. I think it means he is angry at me for not listening to him in the past and now taking it seriously. Im not sure. He wAsnt angry at all yesterday and we had a nice day! And cuddled all night long and he thanked me and everything. Then today it's a nightmare.

I'm sure that's part of it—"Why did it take me threatening to leave in order for you to take me seriously?"— and he's probably also a little bit scared. He's scared that you are only doing this to get him to stay, then go back to your old ways.

I know a guy who did exactly that; his wife was going to file for divorce and he promised he would do better. And things were good for about 3-6 months, then he decided that things were "fixed" and he went back to the way things were. She hasn't decided to leave again, but I think if she does there won't be anything he can say to change her mind next time.

It sounds like if you want to save your marriage, then things have to change permanently and for the better. That's what the GAL and 180s are about; it's why I was asking about exactly what kind of physical affection he was looking for, and whether or not you felt your needs were being met. You can't just grit your teeth and do it without being truly committed to changing, because you will either give up at some point and be back in the same place down the road again, or YOU will get miserable and consider leaving. Do you want to feel like you are being forced to do something against your nature for the next 10 years? 20? 50?

Here is some stuff that I got from one of the DB phone coaches a while back.

1. Don't try to capture him, try to attract him. Marriages, regardless of the vows and promises you made to each other, are voluntary. No one wants to feel pressured or trapped. The example the coach used was dating: when people are first dating and getting to know each other, they don't spend a lot of time discussing commitment or what their future plans are; they enjoy the time they spend together. And the main reason they enjoy being together is because they find the other person interesting!

2. There are three attitudes you need to convey. This isn't about talk, this is action; he will respond more to what you actually do than what you say. The three attitudes you need to convey are:

* "I get it." This is not something that is going to blow over; he has real concerns that he's dealing with. If so, now is the time to apologize for that.
* "You need breathing room." Again, no pursuing or R talk! This is an opportunity for the two of you to figure things out.
* "I am working on myself." This is where the GAL and 180s are necessary. He should see that there are things you can (and are!) doing to be healthier, happier, more willing to change, etc.

3. Your new attitude. You need to be confident, you need to be casual, and you should strive to be consistently friendly when possible. If you need to "act as if", then do it. This also leads back into point 2; if you are doing things and happy, you are more attractive than someone who is sitting around the house moping.