The attorneys are still fine tuning the settlement agreement and separate stipulation for support. Both should be finalized and signed before the boys and I fly out next Thursday, however, xh has changed his mind so many times that I'm a little anxious about whether it will actually happen.
The boys met with the therapist this week. S16 really liked him and looks forward to going again. S13 is very shut down and doesn't want to go again. The therapist said it's up to him. I don't want to push, but if he doesn't deal with this now it will come up over and over as he goes through life. We talked about this and I think he will at least go another time.
After the session I briefly spoke with the therapist who was going to talk with xh. He was going to let him know that he abandoned the boys, that he isn't entitled to a relationship with them, that he will have to work very hard at being let back in their lives again and that will involve sorting himself out. He was also going to tell him that if and when he communicates with the boys he is not to mention me at all. I'm sure the boys told him all of the hurtful things he said about me.
On the flip side he told me that I'm doing a great job and that the boys are really nice, loyal and empathetic. It felt good to get that feedback since I've been parenting them alone for so long now. BTW, xh met with the therapist before me and the boys, gave the green light and agreed to pay 100% of the fee, so he can't later say that I found someone to support my position, etc.
Xh is a runner so I will be surprised if he actually sticks with a therapy plan long term. He will have to face a lot of issues including his childhood and gambling addiction. His life will be in an upheaval. However, if he finds the courage he may finally be able to start healing and through that reconnection with the boys may happen.
Xh acknowledged that our conversation last weekend went well. (The texts the next day did not.) He is learning what will work and what will not with me. He sent me a text while I was at work letting me know that he sent an email to me and the attorneys regarding the settlement. I replied that I was at work, didn't really know what he expected me to do at that moment, that I previously told him that I don't want to receive emails from him about legal matters and that it's also not appropriate for him to contact my attorney. Xh replied with an apology and said he wouldn't contact me while I was at work. I thanked him.
So, I've noticed some changes in xh. He has been more open with me about how he is feeling - anxious, unable to handle much verbal communication. I acknowledged that, was understanding and let him dictate the duration (referring to last weekend). I also have received several apologies from him. This is a huge change. It says to me that he's finally starting to understand his impact on others and is taking responsibility for his behavior. He isn't consistent yet, but it's a start. I do think going no NC and then setting firm boundaries when I unblocked him has been key. Also, me respecting his feelings and remaining kind has been important too. He seems very fragile and skittish, like he is learning to trust for the first time. I don't want to let him down so I feel a lot of pressure to handle myself well.
No one (in my physical world), with the exception of my parents, would understand my compassion for xh after all he's done. This does feel healthy and not co-dependent. I no longer have expectations except for how I want to be treated. My focus is on rebuilding my life.
