A friend of mine pointed me in the direction of the website and from what I've read I am at least relieved to not be the only one going through similar situations.
Basically, my W wants to separate. I've always struggled with depression but earlier this year, it got so bad that I actually went to the doctors and got prescribed something. A big step for me since I don't even like taking aspirin for a headache. I was blue and down and then I realised that actually, I didn't want to feel like this and wrote out an extremely long list of things I could do to improve my life.
At no point did leaving my W (30, I'm 36) and 2 children (5 and 3) appear anywhere in that list, nor will it ever. But that is what's going to happen.
While all this was going on W was falling for someone in an evening class she took. I had my suspicions so I broke one of Sandi2's rules and checked her phone. She promised me there was nothing more than holding hands and cuddling just to have that feeling of comfort. Unfortunately, she left herself logged into her email when she went out one night. I couldn't help myself and looked, confirming my suspicions that sex had been involved. I questioned her on this and she promised me it was just the once but she's lied to me before so why wouldn't she lie to me again?
Anyway, she says she's not happy and hasn't been happy for a long time. She had her sign language class and is part of a choir but the other person goes to both and I, by "making" her stop going them (and other events where I knew this person would be) was deliberately stopping her being happy. She never reached that decision on her own, knew that going out would hurt me but went anyway. I actually had to actually say to her it was them or me. And it was me. For about a week. I don't want her to be recluse or exist only for me but I wanted her to see that maybe, just maybe, I should come first for once. She didn't.
Now it's 3 months later and it's 3 of the hardest months of my life. I've tried everything I can think of but she just doesn't seem to want to try. She has decided that separation is the only option and, since she won't leave "her" babies and the house is close to where the little ones have school and friends, I have to leave my house, lose my wife, my children, even the cat!
I've told her that if I go, I'm gone for good because I won't be able to come back and wonder if she's going to get sad and make me leave again. I guess I was hoping to shock her but even that wasn't good enough and tomorrow, I'm signing for a flat near where I work.
Since I got over the worst of my depression I've come to appreciate what cool little people the children are and love spending time with them. Now, I'm barely going to be able to see them. Paying for 2 houses means petrol is going to be a major luxury for me.
I know I'm messed up and have probably been doing a lot of the wrong things but I want this to work. I love my wife and I love my children and don't want to lose any of them.
Any advice on the above rant (I know it is lol) will be greatly appreciated but I do actually have one proper question. It's her birthday in August. The rules say no presents because it might seem like it's trying to curry favour. Is it okay for a birthday? Should I just get her little things "from the children" but nothing from me. Could really do with help on this bit.
Hi, I am sorry you are having a hard time. I know you have done everything 'you can think of', but most of us don't know that there are so many other things that can be done. That is why your DB coach can give you fantastic insight and advice as to what you can do to make a difference in how she reacts to you. I would hold off on a gift and try to get some help and support on how to go forward for you, the realtionship and the kids. There are coaches available to help yo. Take care.
Karen, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 karen@divorcebusting.com
Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
Sorry you are in this sitch but this is a good place to be. It is difficult while on moderation, but keep posting your thoughts and visit other threads and you will be off sooner and will get more replies. Keep reading Sandi's rules over and over and try to follow them. As far as W's birthday, I am a newbie so don't know for sure, but I would think maybe making a cake and card and getting maybe a small gift from the kids for her wouldn't be a bad idea. Just don't have any expectations from her. Best of luck with your sitch!
Me: 27 H: 27 Together: 11, M: 3 S 2 BD: 06/24/13 Living together H: EA - unknown current status Read: DB, 5LL (slowly reading DR) Back and forth we go...
Bit of a bombshell last night when I went to see an old friend who I know W put up to contacting me. She actually told him that TOP makes her "light up" and she's sorry that hasn't happened with me but 5 minutes later, texts again to ask how I'm doing.
Confused and conflicted would be just 2 of the things I'm feeling at the moment.
Hi everyone. I'm still on moderation but hopefully someone will see this. I thought I'd post here instead of badgering my friend (poor bloke) and definitely not bother the W.
I move out this Saturday. It really hurts, especially as my children were so wonderful all weekend. On several occasions, I actually had to step away so no-one could see me breaking down.
On the plus side, I've been looking at things to help me GAL. I'm definitely going to start exercising again. At school, my worst subject was French but I want to retire over there so I'll be signing up for a couple of evening classes and really make the effort to learn the language.
I think it was a post by SpecialK that said about Project 365 where he's doing something he's never done before a different day. I'm not sure I'll be able to manage 365 but I'll definitely be making a list of things I want to do and tick them off as quickly as I can.
I know it's not, in the strictest sense GAL but I've got around 12 games on the PS3 and have not completed a single one. That will change. I will get completion and closure!
Just blogging: I'm still not leaving until Saturday so the W and I are still talking. She told me today that this relationship can't be saved but there is always hope we can build a new one.
I asked her if she really believed that, just to see where her head is.
Her response: Yeah possibly. But first we need to put this one aside and fix ourselves.
Just blogging: Very proud of myself today. W and both D are away at the holiday cottage we'd booked but W asked if I'd go over and bring some things home so she didn't have to make 6 trips to the car back and forth with the D's. I had no problem with it since it means I got to see the children.
We took D to the park where D3 misjudged the gap to the fireman's pole, fell about 7 feet onto the floor. Tears and the such like followed so I carried her back to the cottage, stayed for story time and a coffee then left.
I must admit that while drinking the coffee, W and I had a chat about completely random, day to day things and it made me realise that we really just don't do that any more and it felt really nice.
Anyway, while driving, I got a missed call from W but couldn't get through when I pulled over and tried to phone back so I sent a TM. When she replied she said she had no Calpol (children's medicine) so, being the nice guy that I am and despite the fact I'd travelled 45 minutes already to get home, I asked if she wanted me to take her any. She said yes, so I took it.
After delivering the Calpol and making sure both D's were settled, W asked if I wanted to stay. I asked W where she would sleep. She said either next to me or she would bring D3 through so if she had a troubled night, I wouldn't be disturbed.
It was nearly 11pm so I was very tempted but I detached myself, said no and am now typing this while sitting alone in my home.
Just blogging: Well, Saturday came and went and w declared that maybe I could stay in our house at the weekends and just stay elsewhere Sunday through Thursday so we don't disrupt the children who are on their summer break from school.
The cynic in me thinks that it's just so W doesn't have to tell her mum. A comment from either D of hoe "daddy stayed with nanny and granddad all weekend" would start a conversation W just doesn't want to have.
We had a pleasant weekend aside from one or two disagreements regarding timings (how dare I want to give my folks a rough time when I'll be arriving at theirs?!) but mostly okay.
It might be me reading too much into things but I don't think W really wanted me to go but her pride means it had to happen. But I left on my own terms in my own time (not waiting until both D's were asleep like W wanted) and am feeling good. Confused, but good.
If I'm reading your sitch correctly, you just separated in the last few days? If so, you've got a long, long road ahead. The positive signs you're seeing right now are just a manifestation of your W's confusion about what she's doing. It is very unlikely that she has changed her mind or that a turnaround is imminent. I'm sorry to say that, but I've seen this happen so many times where a separation happens and then the WAS starts to pursue a little bit making the LBS think that things are on the mend. But the issues she has run deep and it's going to take her many long months or even years to sort her feelings on them. You've got to drop all expectations and just take things day-by-day. Don't try to figure her out or figure out why she's doing what she's doing, you can't. Just work on the one and only thing you control- YOU. Get out. Get a life. Make yourself the spouse only a fool would leave. And give her tons of time and space. Have you read DR?
