Two roads diverged in a yellow wood...

[Not Quitting]

Yeah, what part?

Lived in Ontario since early 70's except for 12 years in UK - that's where H and I met and where our son was born.

[Cadet]

Hello CP and welcome to MLC.

You have been here a little while, have you seen my welcome post here on the MLC forum and done all the homework?

I can repost it for you if you want.

Please let me know one way or the other.

Knoweldge is power.

[ForeverYoung]

Hi CP, welcome to MLC land.

H has told me a few times lately that he knows what he is doing to me isn't fair, he even said he knows that he has been a jerk!

Have you read DR?

Act "As If" you are ok. The less he sees you in pain, the better for your M.

I am starting to feel that he is not worthy of my love, that I deserve better. In the beginning of all of this I was a little hopeful. But now, every day I debate back and forth about wanting to stay in this marriage. Lately, I have been leaning more towards wanting to separate, because I feel he does not care for me, or support me enough, and he is causing so much pain.

H's present self may not be worthy of your love, but his past self is, that's why you're here. Yes, he doesn't care for you/support you enough right now, but that can change. You can save your M.

I have lost respect for him, and no longer feel like he is the man I married, that he no longer has integrity.

That's who he is now as he's dealing with his internal issues. It can change, but will take time.

Sailing Alone, you are probably right that counseling would do more harm than good.

I agree, no C or relationship talks for now. Concentrate ON YOURSELF. Hard to do right now I know, but it's the only way...

Keep posting.

[chasingpavements]

I am starting to feel that he is not worthy of my love, that I deserve better. In the beginning of all of this I was a little hopeful. But now, every day I debate back and forth about wanting to stay in this marriage. Lately, I have been leaning more towards wanting to separate, because I feel he does not care for me, or support me enough, and he is causing so much pain.

H's present self may not be worthy of your love, but his past self is, that's why you're here. Yes, he doesn't care for you/support you enough right now, but that can change. You can save your M.

I have lost respect for him, and no longer feel like he is the man I married, that he no longer has integrity.

That's who he is now as he's dealing with his internal issues. It can change, but will take time.

Thanks for the support Forever Young. If I were to focus on everything that has been happening in the present, I would be foolish to stay. I think I need to step back and think about how he was in the past, or perhaps how he could be in the future. I hope that I start to see his old self start to come back, or that he starts to care for me again.

Right now every day is difficult for me. He doesn't seem to support me, or even care that I am around. I do all sorts of nice things that go unnoticed. I have to work on emotionally detaching from him, so I do not get so bothered by his actions. I have been giving him tonnes of space around the home but he still feels this need to 'escape'. It is starting to make me feel depressed. I keep trying to remember that this is something he is going through and that it doesn't have to do with me.

It feels like it is such a gamble. Am I willing to be cast aside for a few years while we are in limbo, only for him to 'perhaps' want to work on the marriage? Or I could find someone who would treat me better and care for me.

[chasingpavements]

Hi Cadet,

Thanks for the welcome! I have started to read through some of the MLC threads in this section, and success stories, and have started to do a bit of research on my own. I'm still not sure if he is in MLC, but it seems likely. A lot of the MLC stages seem to fit. He is only 33, is it possible to go through MLC at such a young age?

What happened was a few years ago he lost out on a huge promotion at work, and this was huge for him, because it made him feel like a failure. He was very overweight, and started to be disappointed with his life. The loss of his job, and his being overweight depressed him and he started to work out like a crazy mad man, running, weight lifting, P90x, etc. He lost a lot of weight and started dressing differently and caring about his appearance. His old self seemed to disappear, and he became withdrawn. After this came the Bomb Drop, "I don't love you anymore." Then, we did marriage counseling that failed, and had a couple of "almost" separations. Now, of course, the dreaded LIMBO!

What sort of homework should I be doing? Thanks!
CP

[chasingpavements]

Also, should I retract my ultimatum about the marriage counseling and tell him to just take the time and space he needs? Thing is, he is also getting very frustrated at not knowing what to do, and he doesn't want to be in the limbo either. He might come back from his camping trip set on separating for good.

[Not Quitting]

Also, should I retract my ultimatum about the marriage counseling and tell him to just take the time and space he needs? Thing is, he is also getting very frustrated at not knowing what to do, and he doesn't want to be in the limbo either. He might come back from his camping trip set on separating for good.

I wouldn't say anything at all - just bringing up the subject will remind him that you said it before and that'll be seen by him as pressure. Just carry on as though you'd never said it.

No R talks at all. Yes, it's hard. I've had to bite my tongue several times to avoid bringing up the subject.

[ForeverYoung]

It feels like it is such a gamble. Am I willing to be cast aside for a few years while we are in limbo, only for him to 'perhaps' want to work on the marriage? Or I could find someone who would treat me better and care for me.

Finding someone else is a gamble too. Who knows how long that R will last, or how good it'll be? Plus, since you all have kids, H will always be part of your life.

If you live your life the way you want, without him for now, it's not really limbo. Pay less attention to him, and more on YOU.

Also, should I retract my ultimatum about the marriage counseling and tell him to just take the time and space he needs?

I would. MC is not likely to help save the M right now. Don't focus on the M, don't try to "fix things". Show H a positive attitude and that you are content to give him the time and space he needs. Allow him to come to you when he is ready.

Thing is, he is also getting very frustrated at not knowing what to do, and he doesn't want to be in the limbo either.

My W and I both felt like this in the beginning. Then one day I told her I'm no longer considering it limbo... I'm going on with my life as I see fit, and enjoying it. That was well over a year ago. She's not "In Love" with me yet, but is still here, so I know we still have a chance at a new M.

[ForeverYoung]

I agree with NQ. Don't bring up MC again, but if he does THEN you retract it.

[mizjjd]

Also, should I retract my ultimatum about the marriage counseling and tell him to just take the time and space he needs?

CP,

I see you as very wrapped up in your H right now. Forgive me, I haven't read your entire sitch and don't have a good sense of your time line.

Whether your H is in "mid-life" or "other" crisis doesn't matter as much as just knowing he is indeed in crisis. Acknowledging this means you also acknowledge you may have YEARS of limbo land in front of you. THIS CANNOT BE RUSHED.

Sorry if this comes across as harsh CP, but you seem to be spinning way out of your control. Slow down. Breathe. Read the question from your last post above in red. Now read all the relevant quotes I pulled from your own thread below.

NO, no, and no. Don't go to counciling. It won't help since he has checked out of the marriage. He'll go, say he tried to save the marriage but it is just not working.

SailingAlone is so right on this. No pressure, no relationship talks, no ultimatums.

Sailing Alone, you are probably right that counseling would do more harm than good.

I agree, no C or relationship talks for now. Concentrate ON YOURSELF. Hard to do right now I know, but it's the only way...

Don't "retract" anything, because in order to do that you would have to have an R talk. NO R TALKS!!

He doesn't seem to support me, or even care that I am around. I do all sorts of nice things that go unnoticed.

^^ This is VERY TYPICAL of someone in crisis!!

I do all sorts of nice things that go unnoticed. This sentence makes it sound like you have expectations. ZERO EXPECTATIONS!!

It feels like it is such a gamble. Yes, it is. Life is.

Or I could find someone who would treat me better and care for me.

Would that person be the father of your children?

CP, did your H treat you well and care for you before this crisis?

CP, do you believe your H is in crisis? If you do, then you believe he is experiencing CRUSHING EMOTIONAL AGONY. This agony leaves nothing, or very little, for anyone else. (He doesn't seem to support me, or even care that I am around. I do all sorts of nice things that go unnoticed.)

Yes, this may take years - but you go through those years one day at a time. Focus on the here and now. Ask yourself, "Can I DB for today?" Tomorrow, ask yourself again.

I think you would benefit from a different perspective. Have you read Cadet's links? Have you read DR or DB? Have you read other books on MLC and/or depression? Education on these things will be very helpful to you.

Keep things sunny, light and easy. NO R TALKS Find a source of patience for yourself - prayer, meditation, IC, exercise.

Post here often. The questions you are asked and the irritating comments will help you think think think. And grow and learn and strengthen.

What are your 180's? What are your GALs?

Take care.