Surviving Separation

[Whiterose]

Hi slow_it_down,

I can really relate.....when my H typed my name in an email I was so happy he actually remembered it. I say celebrate the step

How old are your children? Are you maybe able to ask a counsellor, or maybe a teacher, how best to discuss this with them?

[slow_it_down]

Whiterose, thanks for your reply. The kids are 6 and 9.

The ironic part of them bringing him up this week is that we were supposed to visit w/ my MIL and his niece (their cousin) since they are in town town visiting from far away (mil requested we get together, I didn't push for it) today.

My H has known for weeks that his mom and niece were supposed to come by while he was at work but at the last minute he expressed to me that he's pissed about the whole thing so I agreed not to see them as planned. He made a whole big deal about how confusing it would be to my kids to see them.

He goes from one day being their "step dad" to the next day being completely absent in their lives (by moving out and not staying in touch) and he's now worried what seeing his family at a park for a play date might do to them emotionally? I'm glad he's saying he's concerned for their well being but I feel like of all things to worry about he's focusing on the wrong thing. Whether we get back together or not his family will be in our lives for a long time since I'm having his moms grandchild here in a few weeks.

I also sense he really, really doesn't want me around his mom w/o him being present. I can certainly understand why but its just another reminder that he doesn't want me in his life.

I was really looking forward to this visit for the past few weeks, especially for the kids to visit their cousin and instead I'm spending the day feeling sad and rejected. I know he's just looking to feel support from his mom, and I'm happy she's honoring his wishes, it's just not what I pictured for my day.

Once again I just keep going back to how much I hate what this is doing to my kids. They already lost access to their step dad now they are losing access to a step grandparent and a step cousin who used to be "their family". Remarriage makes everything so confusing and I look forward to time in the future where my relationship woes don't hurt these little ones that didn't ask for any of this. Guilt & sadness, not what I wanted to kick off this weekend

[slow_it_down]

I should add that all of this is compounded by the fact that I could have our baby in as few as 2 weeks. I know in my heart nothing NEEDS to be resolved by then, it's just another event in our journey. I had just been HOPING we'd be heading for higher ground by that time. Instead his adamance that I have nothing to do w/ his mom (going as far as him almost telling her she can't come to help me after the baby arrives as planned) makes it feel like things are actually getting worse.

I've never said an unkind thing about him to her so its not like I've created something for him to worry about... I'm just feeling like he's trying to fortify the wall he's built around himself before we spend time together when our son is born.

Promises to be a fun delivery room- ha. "Oh hi stranger that wants nothing to do w/ me that I haven't seen in months. Can you pass me some ice chips while I deliver your son (as he's texting OW). "

[slow_it_down]

Well my squirrel has run back to the safety of his tree, or back ino the darkness of his tunnel by going back into complete no contact mode on me. He hasn't even replied to a child care related email from last Thurs so I went ahead and made a decision w/o his input.

It's funny to think that for a long time I prayed for a sliver of a chance to have some normal contact thinking all I needed was that one little chance for everything to be ok. Well I got a few days of feeling like things were headed toward 'ok' only to have that whole turn of events w/ OW. Instead of closer to 'ok' that little sliver of normal contact led to the sitch getting worse by circumstances outside my realm of control.

This let down was a good reminder not to pin too much hope on certain things. For example I used to take great hope from thinking that my H will magically want to be w/ me again if I leave him alone unil the baby is born and show my best side when he's visiting here at the house after delivery. I now feel pretty "hopeless" and accepting that probably won't happen. Picturing time spent alone w/ my new son and kids as a likely reality instead of fantasizing about a miracle reconcilliation when our baby arrives is both sad and empowering.

[Whiterose]

Hi slow

I'm sorry that H has run back into the tunnel.....I think it's par for the course though. I think maybe you need to take it hour by hour right now....for yourself, your kids and the baby. There is no way to put a time frame on this, we all would love to though.

It must have been hard for the kids not to see grandma and cousin, they're so young, if it happens like that again see if you can do something else special with them. I understand one of the hardest parts is the kids. My boys know what is happening and are angry and shutting down. I'm trying my best, and I know they see it, and hope that one day they understand truly what is happening.

The birth of your new son is a miracle....revel in it. Enjoy the time with all three children and know you're a mom that loves your children in spite of everything else. This will bring you comfort and strength

Blessings

[slow_it_down]

Thanks white rose and I agree on the timeframe... Just have to have patience.

Also, tonight I'm so thankful for these boards because I once again find myself in a situation I've read many others to be in... And bc I was expecting it, the shock/emotion was almost non climactic.

I'm a duck, everything just rolls off my back.

Today H emailed to say he'd been to a lawyer about support and visitation and had inquired about insurance through his work. This is the first time he's done anything from a formal sense to move forward w/ the D. In a different time I think I would have panicked over the use of the word LAWYER and the formality of his email.

On the one hand he didn't say he'd seen the lawyer about divorce, just visitation and support... So that's good but doesn't necessarily mean anything.

On the other hand his wording makes it sound like he's expecting a fight on visitation. Personally I think it's great that he wants to see our S a lot. My H is a workaholic and if he wants to carve out time to see his son, more power to him.

The biggest thing I sensed from the email was that he wanted me to feel intimidated by him seeing a lawyer and that he's looking to rile me up. Well I'm not biting. I replied back with an upbeat response and said he should call when he's free.

I'm also trying to shut down the mind reading train since this happened as soon as his mom left town. Im assuming w/ no evidence whatsoever that she told him to seek council, protect himself, that the support I'm asking for is unreasonable... That him seeking legal advice was her protecting him from me. All fine things to do, but not something I won't to think about before I welcome her to stay in my home for 2 weeks when the baby is born.

I care a lot about his mom but its frustrating to think she'll help me out w/ laundry and cooking but has no problem telling her son to be stingy with money used to take care of her grandson.

[slow_it_down]

One last thing to share... I asked him MONTHES ago to look into what health coverage for the baby would cost at his work to compare to mine. I find it hilarious given the tone of his statements that he's now trying to use health insurance as ammo to rile me up.

Last I checked the less money we both have to spend the better. Better luck sounding tough next time H! Ha ha.

Wish me luck when we finally talk these things out over the phone. I'm psyching myself up to validate what he's feeling while remaking calm over whatever he has to say.

[Whiterose]

Great response to the text! He probably was trying to gauge your reaction....my H tries to push my buttons too

When he calls just be very calm, take silent deep breaths through the call if needed, and be positive -- just know YOU will feel so much better for doing so!

As for the MIL try not to read too much into it. When my H first left I tried to explain what I thought was happening, I did not accuse him of anything and was not mean. She accused me of getting pregnant on purpose, I was a bitch that's why he left, I wanted everyone in my family to be on pills (S18 has ADHD and is on meds) and it went on. She later apologized. I accepted. We have not talked since She believes what she needs and I'm doing it all while her son does whatever

[slow_it_down]

Well I chickened out and sent an email containing pretty much all the info my H would need instead of waiting for his phone call. It's so much easier to show PMA when you can carefully edit yourself w/ o the pressure of conversation. Nothing about our sitch has me upset, but thinking about what this baby is about to do to my financial picture is absolutely terrifying. I was really afraid I'd get emotional talking money and took the easy way out by emailing.

I feel like I gave up the chance to connect a bit by talking for a change... And I really wanted to sound upbeat and positive when we talked... I just didn't trust myself not to cry over financial stress. Even with him paying support, it's just going to be tough and something I need to sort out on my own... Just bummed that money is still keeping a buffer between us.

I doubt he'll call at this point now that we traded emails about what he hastily brought up yesterday. His replies today were more positive than yesterday's so at least we didn't talk things through until he had a night to sleep off yesterday's pushy mood.

I guess more than anything I'm just disappointed in myself for not being stronger. I don't want an email/text only relationship w/ this man so ill need more guts next time to talk instead of text/email when the opportunity presents itself.

[Whiterose]

Don't be so hard on yourself!!! This was a way for you to recognize that a phone conversation was not a good choice for you and you took control and did what you needed to do. When you're ready you're ready and then you will.

You did great!