Need help detaching

[lost_hope]

I didn't end up going out but he called me (didn't hang out after bc his family is in town) and asked me to go see his aunt and uncle. I hesitantly said yes but then something happened yesterday (he didn't stand up for me when I felt he should have) and I texted him today about sticking up for me in the future and that set him off. Of course I am not allowed to say anything about anything

I went into a major epic meltdown. I was even prepared to pay him money to leave me and my son and I can do things financially on my own. It would be a struggle of course but I think I could manage. Well of course he said no but that made me more upset.

I will do IC (once I heal enough from c section) and take anxiety meds once the baby is born but until then I am a right mess. I think, and of course I know I'm cycling and might say something different tomorrow, I will try to remain calm for next three weeks not bring up the S or D at all until the new year. That gives him five months with his new son and me in a new house (if he chooses to stay which he may not) and 10 months from the "INILWY". I can't take too much more than that bc I will want to move on with my life in the new year and get used to being a single mom.

Problem with my H is he's happy to exist in limbo and I am not. If he says he doesn't want me (which he's said at least once a day this whole week) then I will take him at his word and proceed with my life. I can't just wait for him to decide what to do with me. I need some control back.

Today's GAL : I'm at my MIL cleaning and putting baby's things away and trying hard not to call/text to continue our argument. I am sooooo exhausted I don't know how I'm going to have energy for my son when he arrives. But then again I can't wait for this little boy to arrive. If anything he will serve to put a smile back on my face