Two roads diverged in a yellow wood...

[chasingpavements]

Hoping for advice,

We were planning a camping trip with H's extended family, a lot of relatives were going to rent a few camping sites. Yesterday I asked H if he wanted me to go or not. To me, it seemed like it didn't matter to him either way. I have felt such pain in the past couple of days, this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, as I felt that he didn't want me around. He would just snap at me over the tiniest things, and if I asked him a question he would grumble a one word answer at me. I told him I would go but only if he wanted me there, and told him that I have felt terrible for the past while because I feel like he wishes I weren't around. He told me that it is just more of the same, that he is still feeling sad about everything. When I asked if he wanted me to go, he just stared at me with a blank look at which point I told him that I was going to stay home and not go on the trip.

I know I probably didn't handle that situation the greatest. I thought that perhaps if I went on the trip it would be a good time to DB, and have fun with him and the kids. But, I also started to strongly feel that he didn't want me to go, so I felt very conflicted.

As he drove away with the children for camping for a few nights, I felt a sickening feeling. I feel cast aside, and taken for granted. I feel he does not appreciate me or the things I have done for us and our family. He is away camping with his family, who know nothing about the fact that we are on the verge of separating. In a way I feel cast aside, even though it was my decision to not go, I just felt like he did not want me there.

I am at my breaking point. I have dealt with his indecisiveness for months now. I am an emotional person, and this limbo is taking it's toll on me. I have had great stress and anxiety. I know for a fact that I cannot go on any more in the limbo, I have reached the end of my rope. I have not had any affection from him in months. He has not planned any dates or done anything nice for us. He is caught up in not knowing what to do. I feel that he has not given me any hope. I have tried to stay positive, but I am having great difficulty with it. He is not giving me much to work with and I am starting to resent him for everything.

I told him before he left that I would like him to do some thinking about something. I told him that I would like him to commit to doing marriage counseling with me, or else we would move on separate ways. He actually said he thought it was a good idea, since we are not getting anywhere by doing what we are doing. He doesn't like this limbo either. I have a feeling this limbo could go on for years, and I can't handle all of that anxiety.

I feel (mostly) at peace, that we can try and work on things or be done. I never in a million years would have dreamed that he would cause me so much trouble and pain.