DB seemingly backfired w/ my H???

[Mimi00]

The first time I was scared of so many things: getting divorced, living life on my own in a new country, never having children, not being able to trust again/be in a normal relationship, feeling "undesirable" and like no one will want me.

I can sooo relate to this right now.
I'm so used to the routine of work and then going home and making sure he has everything he needs, hot meal cooked, clean (as possible) place to relax. It will be strange being on my own again.

We don't have kids and I just turned 30 a few months ago, I never thought about having kids until we met and it was something I really looked forward to. We moved 6 months ago, then he started a traveling job to make more money, so we could to start on this dream. No I fear I will never have children.

I know I could find someone else, so I don't fear being alone, but it's the fear of will they leave one day too? So what would be the point of even being in another relationship when someone can just walk away and abandon you at any moment they feel like it, and you're supposed to sit there, validate their feelings and accept it.

With respect to keeping him in the loop, yes when you put it that way you can do it out of respect. But certainly you don't need him weighing in or helping you decide. You also seem to want to do it without his financial help which if you can swing then it gives you a sort of freedom from him, which may help you in the long run.

Yes, I'd like to do it alone. But if he's willing to give money, I will surely take it and most likely save it!

I was wondering if I should have my new job direct deposit into my own account or if I should let it go to our joint account (since his still goes there and he's not holding it back from me). I fear when he see that I'm getting paid pretty decently that he'll was to cut me off with out realizing it won't be enough to support myself 100% the way I would need to. So I do still somewhat need him financially, at least until the end of the year (he doesn't know I have a time line in mind)

I am however considering having it go into our joint account because it would be a 180 (when I had a full time job before it went into my personal account because at the time that's what my card was connected to so it just made sense to me. What I didn't know was the H didn't like that. It hurt him and he felt I was keeping the money from him, and he didn't like "asking" me for money. But he didn't tell me this until 2.5 years later in counseling. SMH)and also him seeing me making a larger amount of money and him having access to it might help him to see one of the benefits of still being married?

Maybe that's just wishful thinking on my part thought lol
I'm still deciding what to do.

[quote=lost_hope]
But I also want to talk to you about waiting. And this is not from a DB point of view but from own experience from last time around. My H was perfectly happy to allow me to live in limbo. He wanted to cake eat. I had to force the issue: "Do you want to work on things or do you want to leave me for good?" and he chose leaving me. He didn't live with me and we separated finances, but he wanted to be my friend.

My H has made it clear he's done. His favorite thing to say now is "when I am done I am done... those who know me know this" (implying I don't know him). So yeah, I'm not necessarily waiting, though we haven't filed.

I see his pics online, he's living his life to the fullest (or at least making it appear that way). He has the paper work needed to file the dissolution, but we have to work everything out. I don't know when he'll bring it up again, so he can follow through on it. In the mean time I'm not mentioning it.

I've decided that even if we do or don't file I will give him until the end of the year, to possibly change his heart/mind.
If it doesn't happen in the next 6 months then I will let all hope of R go for good. So I'm "productively waiting" if that makes sense?

Thanks so much for sharing your experience with me, it was very helpful!