i get what you're sayin - believe me. when i left ex h - i didn't care one darn bit about being poor.
i'm a bit older now- a bit more spoiled maybe about not being soooo poor that i'm in a constant state of angst- i don't want ONLY THIs forever either tho.
i still can remember being happy- being cherished- someone being happy to see my face-
listening to taylor saying in back seat of car yesterday coming home from school - that she would like me to not go away so long - i tell her it's to help my mommy because her legs hurt and she's lonely.
i feel limited because of h and this stupid sitch- i hate that and want to be part of this kid's life-
i'm not letting him prevent me from that - somehow - some way.
idk dawn- im reading some book and the girl gets her heart broken by a guy so she's making up her "good riddance' list - she and a freidnd always did it forever - when breaking up or broken heart
it was making me laugh because the guy was cute and nice in a million ways - but she was talking about his nose hair and his teeth click when he chews - and i've noticed it lately with h - his teeth kind of "clang" and i find myself thinking - ''
"what the heck is up with that - banging your teeth on each otehr?"
it made me laugh- I'M GONNA WORK on my list of that. usually i'm listing what i have to be grateful for- i forget to list WHAT I WILL NOT MISS
the stupid sarcasm- i agree. childish and just stow it.
if he's got to have envetything in his life in compartments and feels more comfortable with r on a computer and they['re more important to him- HAVE THEM. HAVE OW - HAVE WHATEVER
i don't care - i am soooo much more than that- and sooo much more of everything (like REAL COMES TO MIND) than all that rubbish.
he thinks it will alllll always be there- I WILL ALWAYS BE THERE. HE'S wrong as can be- just doesn't have a clue.
oph well- not my job to save him- only my job to saveme. - rite??
anyway- YOU AND DONE TALKIN. i feel it- the other day a friend was asking me what is status, etc.- it just made me tired and bored to even think about it. i'm not forgetting or forgiving really-
i'm just done rehashing it- booooorrrring TO ME.
for this moment it is what it is- don't even know- don't even care.
one way or the other it will wind itself out- i'll end up okay- or ranting my head off about raw deal and poverty- idk - there are a million equally likely outcomes and possibilities i think.
i am amazed at the bredth & depth of my not carringness.
LIGHTER NOTE_- ALLL MY dopey sisters who generally don't give a damn and leave mother & allllll of that in my lap-
jointly paniced last cople days because of the lost purse (she loses it several times a weeek) and stitches.-
soooo yesterday up-tight- power couple sister began canceling everything in the universe- big big panick
this morning my mothre is telling me on phone they found it- in the tee shirt drawer of some dresser- I TOLD them look in drwers & cabinets - she hide it lately-
anyway- she's asking me if i put it there -cripes!!!
what a joke- they're all a little beehive of activity and caring- makes me laugh (and then puke of course)
oh well-
today- just for today- i'm fine and dandy. sore throat i can't figurwe out- low low in my throat - like a small apple down there when i swallow but not really sick-
who knows- maybe i'll float on thru the rest of this whole process not caring- brain dead - and (dare i hope) sleeping better.
i'm dreaming i know- maybe i'm having some wierd sense of security down here from years and years of life -
idk- i kind of hope not- i don 't know if this guy can ever go bck to being a nice guy without ciragettes.
watching this aunt dying (well, slowely but surely) isn't going to make him pick up a ciragette-
maybve that particular drug was what iloved him on- without it he's -
doesn't matter & don't care-
not what i'd like to deal with every day for rest of my life.
i want a little more from my life- if nothing more tha peace & nice-ness. i'm nice- why don't i get to just expect my life and people in it to be the same???
xxoo - from the land of nice. \ glad you're good- i haven't been to beach- forgot about it. getting kids in afternoons is BUSY busy busy- I CAN'T seem to find time for anyting- and have not done a lick of cleaning-
it's ratty- i'm not inspired. idk if it's last time here- honestly- will see how this plays out. when aunt is home fro hosp - maybe he'll go travel to ow- maybe i'll blow a gasket- maybe ill say go f yourslef. i'm sooooo bad and such a name-caller. you'd think i'd have someitng more profound to say or think about that wouldn't you.
oh well- anything at all in the universe is possible here- will report.
