If you've followed any of my posts during the past 11.5 years (bomb- Aug 2001) - you will know that parenting teens/young adults through divorce has been challenging to say the least. I did 99% of it alone. Their runaway MLC dad became someone they didn't even recognize & although he had minimal involvement - his advice never amounted to more than criticism. They behaved much more maturely than him throughout.
My 3 were 22 (severely disabled), 19 & turning 13 that week when their dad left. It was sudden & shocking - going from a "normal" family to quickly learning about OW (also married with a 15 yr old son) whom he moved in with (she left her H & son when "outed" & her sons, in his despair piled a knife at school & was sent to juvenile detention) - lots of drama.
Initially my 19 year old son, B, was outraged at his dad. He was leaving for college the next week but switched to the local comm college to stay home & help (what a guy!) D 13, A, was in denial. Suddenly she did not have dad driving her to school each day (had to take the bus) & she became very unimportant to him. Initially she did not know abou OW but ex slipped & told her & then she also estranged herself from him fora bit. The kids refused to go to his apt or meet OW. It is still this way today.
So - they have been close to me - never got in any big trouble (A did get caught with pot at school once & was suspended for 2 weeks). Both graduated college & have always had jobs. A moved out 2 years ago but back with me for this summer.
So what are the long term effects I see I my kids?
B is now 31, attractive, decent job, living in Toronto. Had a long term girlfriend but was not ready for marriage & it became a deal breaker. He said he did not want to end up like Mom & Dad. He has dated a bit but can't find " the one" & seems fairly down a lot of the time. Says he knows depression runs in the family ( his dad was manic - living with him was like being on a roller coaster many highs & many lows). Never seems to have enough $, bummed about not having a girlfriend, not always wanting to visit us, wont go on an all expense paid vacation with us or one with his friends. Just bummed. When I recently offered to pay his friend trip as a Christmas gift (it's a wedding trip & he is the best man) - he got angry (eventually agreed to accept, though reluctantly). I've suggested he might need a medical assessment (has not seen a dr in at least 7 years) or to go for counseling - he got upset with me. A couple of days ago he messages me that he will no longer burden me with his problems & that he is sad that I'm disappointed in him. Ummm -NEVER have I said I'm disappointed in him. Not sure how to proceed with him.
A is happily spending the summer here at he lake. She left her boyfriend minding her apt & her cats (I already had 2 so said No Way). She has been with boyfriend for nearly 3 years but guess what? New guy is here almost daily. She wants him to sleep over on nights they've been drinking (on the couch of course). There are sometimes other friends from work here too. Josh & I have said no to the guy on the couch thing because this is OUR home, we don't want strangers crashing but we worry aout drinking & driving so were torn. This is also a lot to dump on Josh who has no kids & has stepped up to the plate with mine including helping out with disabled son. She is starting to mention maybe staying on past summer, that her boyfriend & her are "taking a break" & that he is too clingy. Well - of course he is - he sees her pic with new guy all over FB & anyone would try to grab on to what they feel they are losing. Interesting - she is nearly 25, B F is 21, new guy is 19. When I've asked about new guy - she says he is just a friend & too young fot her but excuse me - why else would a 19 year old guy be here every day.
So - I think my son has never really dealt with his issues from our divorce & is depressed as a result or the depression, lax attitude is possibly medically related.
And I think my daughter learned that it is ok to cheat. Just call it "taking a break"
I'd like to hear how you are coping with suddenly single parenting.
I'd like to hear how you believe the divorce has affected your kids.
My oldest still longs for his father's approval, is seeing a counselor to work out his issues over his father's abandonment of him during a recent crisis. He's struggling to finish college, having been derailed by depression. Has mild Asperger's and struggles socially as a result of that.
My middle child was doing great in college, then suffered a severe depressive episode and had to stop. Still working out of that. She was closest to her dad, seems conflicted about the fact that he abandoned her financially when this happened Has a steady girlfriend that I like very much.
My youngest child suffered severe depression and dropped out of college. Has a girlfriend but they are constantly breaking up and getting back together. Feels like there is "no point" to marriage and that everything in life is a sham, can't be trusted, will fall apart on you.
As you can see, all have had serious struggles with mood disorders. Perhaps they would have had them anyway, their father has mild bipolar traits and depression himself, they probably inherited something from him. But his recent behavior hasn't helped matters any.
I'm with you - they might have had some depression or made some bad choices anyway but they have no doubt habit aggravated by the breakup of the family.
When we were splitting ( & I was screaming "how can you do this to your family?") he very glibly replied - "the kids will bounce back"... Well nobody's bouncing around here. We have more Eyeores than Tiggers.
I've suggested counseling to S31 which he is strongly opposed to. Acts like I think he's nuts. Causes him to shut down with me. No idea where to go next other than to let him know I'm here & keep trying to make some plans for visits etc.
Sigh. It sure sounds like most of here are managing teen to adult kids post-D with some issues. Maybe THIS topic is why we're still around and not the dating thing. Believe me, I'm paying close attention to all of you.
I don't know if I have any words of wisdom. I think with your S31, there is not a whole lot you can do except to maybe write him a heartfelt letter and know that you love him and are there for him, and that you're not disappointed in him. Concerned, maybe, but not disappointed.
As far as A goes. I dunno. I sure hope she's not learned it's okay to cheat. She's always seemed like a reasonable kid and maybe it's time for some tough love from you and Josh and not to extend her "vacation" at the lake beyond what you agreed? And I also don't think it would be out of line for you to point out why he's clingy. God knows you've seen that before.
As I mentioned over at my place, I think this parenting thing has become incredibly tough - walking the fine line between being a mother, adviser, friend or lackey. I wish I had a crystal ball for all of us.
FWIW, I have friends who are still married who have very similar issues to yours and Ellie's. I have no doubt that the breakup of their families affected their emotional health, though. I know this one firsthand.
With my D16, like Ryan, I don't see it manifested in her. The best thing about having a special needs child is that every day is groundhog day and they live in the moment.
But I think that the D has affected my D19 in a way as well. I think her perfectionism (which I know is an extension of being very, very self critical) is her way of making sure that her dad is proud of her and that he doesn't have a reason to push her away (like he did when I was knocked off the pedestal). That same perfectionism extends to her friendships.
I love her friends - they are typical, with their actions and beliefs and they have very typical consequences for kids that age. But my D19 is very hard on her friends, expecting them to outright know consequences when they happen and seems to hold them to the same perfectionist standards she sets for herself.
In fact, I'd even go so far as saying she distances herself somewhat from people who disappoint her. My gut feeling is that she doesn't like being hurt and is afraid if she allows for imperfection and unhappiness to seep into her inner circle, she's going to regret it. So she does the pushing first.
Now that she has a BF, I'm going to be paying attention to some signs of not being able to be in a R with someone.
So, yes, I also have challenges with parenting. The perfectionism isn't a complete surprise to me, with or without divorce. My sister, to whom she is very close, is also a perfectionist (far worse than my D19). To her credit, she knows she has that problem and does do her best to make comments that tell her it's okay to be less than perfect. It helps for a time, but not long term.
I'm just afraid that once she realizes everyone around her IS imperfect and disappoints her, she will retreat. And if she gets to that point, I will also suggest heading to an IC. She has done it, and she's watched me do it, so I hope she accepts that it's okay to ask for help.
We'll see.
And Ellie, I'm sorry that your kids were let down by their dad. He sure is an a$$.
Good luck to everyone-
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
p.s. Since I fell off the pedestal with my first night with Sweet Stuff, she's definitely distanced herself from me. I am 100% convinced that me showing MY imperfection is the reason why our R is so strained this summer. She's forgiven me, but the disappointment is leading her way right now.
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Barb, I think a lot of what is going on with B is that he wants to make it on his own but the rug was pulled out from under him when his dad left and now what perhaps thought would be certainties no longer are. Betsey's idea of a loving letter sounds like a good idea. Let him know how proud you are of him and what does seem to have gone right with him. Also that you will support him in his endeavors.
A, well the part is over...at your house at least. Maybe she was looking for a safe place to be reckless. Escaping responsibilities and perhaps a fear of where her relationship with her BF might be headed. Time to send her home.
Perfectionism to me is a sign of insecurity. You think by controlling yourself so stringently that you can exert that same control on your surroundings. A big crash is going to come when she fails at something, when she can't make the world act the way she wants.
So much easier being on the outside isn't it? Can I shuffle the deck of cards that is my life and get a better hand?
The worry and stress from S17 has been going on for over the past few years from his not talking about the divorce, to sneaking out at night, to skipping and to the latest situation. I feel so drained and I hate that I don't know how to get him back on track. We had been so close or was that just an illusion? Everything with the other kids is well at the moment but I would be lying if I told you my birthday wish was going to be for me. Now I just have to think of all encompassing wish that is probably right on par with world peace.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Good observations & I agree on the letter to B. interesting thing happened today that helped with communication.
He worked on a tv show recently. His first time. Had sent me the link but it didn't work & when I put something aout it on FB - he was angry with me (although he was also angry that no one seems to otice his link - probably didn't work for them either)
But tonight I happened upon the show. Never knew I got the Travel channel. Perfect show for him to do "Family Vacation". He happened to send me the link again just after I started to PVR it. Do I excitedly emailed him that it was on. Later I messages him that I had caught 2 episodes, taped them and saw his name on the credits! Very proud mama! So we had some good communication.
A was in a great mood. Home from work, made her nutritional meal, went outside to paint a chair for me - her 3rd of about 3 painting sessions as we are changing the colour of each of our wooden Muskoka (Adirondack ) Chairs. She came in & exercised then cleaned up the kitchen. So - no "friend" around tonite. She talked a bit about the future - just that she will go back to Niagara after summer until she figures out work & living arrangements. She knows this is a summer thing.
Kat - you wouldn't want to change your cards for mine, truly. Remember - I have Ryan. But I have always said - we can't control the cards we've been dealt - we can just play our best hand.
A friend just told me her daughter is pregnant. She has been away at school. Once the shock wore off - they decided she should be home near Mom & Dad but her boyfriend and also his Mom are moving to their hometown. I'm sure it has not been easy. But they are focussing on the new life soon to emerge. I congratulated her on her soon to be first grand baby & will send a gift when the time comes. I think she is playing her cards in the. Est way she can, always supporting the young couple.
But we all have different situations. Betsey, Fig & myself have special needs kids - always a challenge - but also a real eye opener to a lot of realities - many we never wanted to have,
Yesterday I met Ryan's new supervisor. 150% better than the precious horror woman. Strangely, they are both named Catherine. I asked if I could call her Cathy. She agreed. When I described the insane, controlling behavior of the other Catherine she looked at me & calmly said " sounds like she wasn't paying her liability premiums". Suddenly it all made sense. Every crazy thing she did to me seemed to fit that scenario. "In time, all things become clear" - and so it is!
Ryan's care is going super. His birthday last week was awesome as Josh, his nurse & I took him to the zoo and we are now planning his 2013 trip to Disney with his current nurse & one former nurse from Niagara. It's all coming together.
So I plan to do the letter to B tomm. I think it should make a difference. The rest is up to him.
I am so glad that Cathy is better than Catherine and that Ryan's birthday went awesomely!!!
you are right about the eye opening reality of having a kiddo with special needs. Finn opened my eyes to a lot of the "unfairs" in the world as well as to a lot of things about myself that were undesirable...things I took for granted that I should have been counting as blessings.
Both my boys suffer from depression and are on IEPS (one for emotional needs and one for ADHD) and dealing with their issues is sometimes more challenging that dealing with Finn's...but it could also be that they are teenagers and sometimes teenagers are more challenging in general than Finn...which gives me a migraine thinking of Finn as a teenager..oy
Finn has helped me prioritize...just like I think Ryan has helped you. Suddenly, nothing else seems quite as life shattering or dramatic as it once did. A day that involves waking up is a day I wasn't sure I would have...brand new perspective.
Makes me look back and shake my head at all the stuff I thought was soooooooooo important and the things that were "life ending." And I listen to my friends and their whole "screw my life, I didn't get this or this crappy thing happened" and I think...hey...everyone woke up, right? It's a good day!!!
