hey - somehow my damn pinky finger hits something on the left and i get whammed out of the water.
believe it or not- i'm feelin like old me alot lately.
i've kind of "had it" with this stinking being wounded thing- i'm hearing myself and thinking it's the darn sleep and being away from nj and my poor old mother being sewn to my back.
it's enough to make ya feel like you're sinking into the ground.
i'm getting pretty tired tho of this crappola. i never think i think of myself as a "victim" , but maybe. maybe i'm tired of that- if i'm allowing it- then i'm tired of that.
anyway- believe it or not- my sister and i went to europe twice for a few months each time- I got the tickets & eurail (and she used to tell me anyway) i pushed her into it. i never think i'm a very pushy or motivated guy - but hey??? i decided to do temporary legal secratary work after five years working for a sole practitioner- did it for 15 yrs - just walked in and introduced myself and said i was great, etc. - it worked out fine and dandy7 for many many years. I began doing craft shows and made enough money with my "art" to keep afloat for many years - and even ran a very successful christmas boutique(craft show) for six or seven years- I HAVE HAD my moments of taking charge and MAKIN it happen. i can do it- it's all getting to that particular point.
i am floating - i'm not sure if it's what i have to be doing still- "making sure" before i make soem move I view as pretty "final". i know nothing is final til we die- but it feels very "final" - i just want to be ready to accept the consequences. i mean READY...
I DON'T like re-inspecting and regrets because of imprudent actions or words or being precipitous. i think i can face myself because the things i've done that were really really big decisions in life involving other people - at the time i was really really SURE about it- and now i try to never go back and re-inspect what is done. i'm banking on myself having done my usual thorough soul-searching, etc. before taking any step.
(i'm talking divorce, puling the plug - you kn ow- bit stuff)
i hope to God i did the right things- i swear my heart was doing it's best in each case.
ANYWAY- MY POINT - don't worry on my account that i'm such a mamby pamby. i can be a big whiner when i'm wounded- i get comfrot from people sharing their own stories- i figure if i'm not honest about it all (good and bad) how can we all chat and share if everyone is prettying things up? rite..
anyway- so,do ya think we could really meet up? it would be funny- wonder how we'd look to each other- i have no mental pictures to go with people at this point.
OH YEAH- im thinking this morning. i've always always beeeen a saver - drummed into my head since i was born- first words: "a penny saved is a penny earned" or soemthing. i'm pretty neurotic bout it but alwasy thought the good news was that in an emergency, one usually needs some $$ and it's nice when some is there.
HOWEVER- WATCHING my mother lately and h's aunt (getting out of hospital today - eeeeeek - she's in the recuperating and mean as a snake mode) i'm thinking I FORCED MYSELF TO WALK BECAUSE THE REALLY EVEN BETTER - AND MORE LIKELY "SAFETY NET" of a sort is keeping fit. got thinking how decrepid she is from 70 or so years of smoking- i'm determined to be healthy til i fall off my twig. no kidding- latest thing i read says if you spend more of your day on your feet than your butt- you're doing good. got that down in a snap. now,
GOTTA KEEP ON SHUFFLIN -
XXOO gonna go play that darn video and dance til i sweat & drop
