I've read your post a couple of times and I'm not getting what you're modeling.
In fact when I read what you wrote to your H, it made me anxious. In my mind I'm thinking "Just tell me what you want."
I realize it's not important for me to understand it but is it possible it could affect H in the same way. You know him, I don't.
It also reminds me of an email I sent H around Thanksgiving last year, I was trying to be super accommodating. He was confused. But then, he's not a planner.
Just rambling.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I think Ad is trying to model clear communication while also trying to convey that she is flexible and willing to work with him if he had plans with the kids.
Which is what she would like in return from him, I believe.
Personally I would have written...
"I am planning a trip with the kids from 7/31 to 8/4. Please let me know if this conflicts with plans you have made with them."
Still friendly but less "unless you tell me no".
Just MO.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
He just told me at the lacrosse tournament last weekend that he was trying to line up a week at a lake house because he had vacation to "burn up" and was thinking of bringing down his friend's boat to pull the kids around on the water.
A few posts up I was noting that I had no idea if I was invited or not based on the way he said it, so I was letting my mind wander over "should I go" and "should I not go." I think he worded it vaguely in hopes that I would go or not go if I wanted and not based on a direct request from him. So in my email I was trying to be clear without offensive, that he is not invited.
My giving him an option to object to the dates was because I haven't booked anything yet and he might be further along on the lake idea, I have no idea and really don't mind accommodating that.
Based on a very-very common dynamic with us, it would be entirely realistic that he had an offer on a place, got an email that I planned to take the kids to the beach, didn't say a word and cancelled his lake house, and then resented me and accused me to others of monopolizing the kids. Monopolizing the kids was one of the three complaints he told his mom before the bomb to explain why he was leaving me, and she told me SHE AGREED that I do that. Ugh. So he's squirrely with making firm plans and if he has them I want to not ACCIDENTALLY interfere with them.
See what I mean?
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I also see you trying to anticipate his thoughts and actions.
Listen, he is a big boy. If he felt/feels you monopolize time with the kids, then he needs to commit to a visitation schedule. He needs to step up as a parent and say "this is what I want."
If he can't bring himself to do either of those things but would rather sit back and blame you, that needs to be his problem.
Be clear. Be consice. Accommodate when you feel it is the right thing to do, but not just because you worry that he will become resentful. The day is going to come when he has to learn that he is responsible for his own feelings.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
I completely agree cat04. I just feel like if it's just as easy for me to leave the door open for him to feel like wanting something, I would like to do that.
The thing that's different, for me, is I'm no longer the one making things happen for him and the kids. I'm not reminding him that he planned to do a trip, I'm not trying to step in and make his trip happen, I'm just staying out of the way of the trip in case it does end up happening. The rest is up to him. Meanwhile, I'm going to the beach heck yeah!
Our emails to each other do sound like work emails. It's funny. I see so many guys here all emotional about their wives, and wanting to check in and connect, and that has always put my H waaaaay off. He is really annoyed by that, so I have not developed a habit of doing it, and especially not now. Our communications are very businesslike. My attitude is to meet him where he's at, like DB says, if he comes forward I'll come forward just a little less than him. Just writing this down sounds like over-thinking. At the risk of over-thinking, I suppose my approach with him is to give him all the emotional space he wants and more.
I don't think he misses me, but I wouldn't know. I do kind of miss him sometimes, or the life we had, but I am good right now.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Yeah bug, I could be more assertive, and usually I am. Thanks for your input! Nice to hear from you!
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
This situation just so echoed my experience at Thanksgiving last year, with me going to great lengths to give H options. I was trying to show the NEW me, flexible, going with the flow. But looking back I think it was still control, just more subtle. He didn't really care about my plan or lack of plan because for him it would all work out.
And it would have, because he's not a planner and if he didn't get to spend time with the boys at that time, he would be fine with doing it another time.
He got confused, I got irritated and as it turned out it didn't matter because S20 was unable to go anywhere over the holiday so I stayed home with him.
After that I realized that what was important for me was maybe not as important for others and I should worry about what my plans were independent of H. If he had plans he could let me know eventually. If I had something planned that interfered, I could decide to change or not.
He resented a lot of things I did over the years and didn't let me know, so had he resented my having plans, it wouldn't have been a new thing. I can't control his perceptions.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
This situation just so echoed my experience at Thanksgiving last year, with me going to great lengths to give H options. I was trying to show the NEW me, flexible, going with the flow. But looking back I think it was still control, just more subtle. He didn't really care about my plan or lack of plan because for him it would all work out.
And it would have, because he's not a planner and if he didn't get to spend time with the boys on that day he would be fine with doing it another time.
He got confused, I got irritated and as it turned out it didn't matter because S20 was unable to go anywhere over the holiday so I stayed home with him.
After that I realized that what was important for me was maybe not as important for others and I should worry about what my plans were independent of H. If he had plans he could let me know eventually. If I had something planned that interfered, I could decide to change or not.
He resented a lot of things I did over the years and didn't let me know, so had he resented my having plans, it wouldn't have been a new thing. I can't control his perceptions.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
