DB seemingly backfired w/ my H???

[lost_hope]

Well, let me be the first to say I understand the fear. This is the second time my H has walked away in as many years (though this time is emotional abandonment with threat of physical abandonment sometime in the future). I was fearful both times. The first time I was scared of so many things: getting divorced, living life on my own in a new country, never having children, not being able to trust again/be in a normal relationship, feeling "undesirable" and like no one will want me. This time I am also scared except insert I am pregnant and about to give birth so my fears are much more related to my child not having a "normal" upbringing and how I will raise him on my own (albeit with H being in the picture). So I totally get it and think you need to do what's best in that context.

With respect to keeping him in the loop, yes when you put it that way you can do it out of respect. But certainly you don't need him weighing in or helping you decide. You also seem to want to do it without his financial help which if you can swing then it gives you a sort of freedom from him, which may help you in the long run.

But I also want to talk to you about waiting. And this is not from a DB point of view but from own experience from last time around. My H was perfectly happy to allow me to live in limbo. He wanted to cake eat. I had to force the issue: "Do you want to work on things or do you want to leave me for good?" and he chose leaving me. He didn't live with me and we separated finances, but he wanted to be my friend. It was almost sick -- he wanted to be the one to save me from my misery ... check up on me, make sure I was eating, when he was the one who caused it by walking away Anyway, at some point a month later I started detaching (not on purpose bc I had no clue about DB) and after three months I actually starting moving on and I stopped calling him, stopped moping and crying and complaining when we did speak, I didn't allow him in the apartment to "check on me" and I even stopped sharing the one car we owned together at a huge inconvenience to myself. I moved on and I was always happy and cheery when we did engage. Literally a few weeks later was when he came back. (I realize the irony in that since that it what DB is about, right?)

So while forcing the issue may be against DB, moving on and getting on with your life is not. In your case I think being around your family and getting a FT job will help you (nor hurt) in your journey.

Finally he may not want to look bad to your family but but if truly doesn't want to look bad he should not be putting you in this situation.

Anyway, I was just giving my .02 in my life experience and not as per strict DB. For my own situation I realize I will have to move on, with new baby and C section scars and all, if I have any chance of getting my H back. Him being around puts me in a bad mental state and I don't have it in me to fake a PMA. There's nothing to feel positively about when your H has left you while pregnant. Zero . And I can't even begin to fake it. I have resorted to one word answers with him now I know that's not light and airy but I have no other way of protecting myself from him for now.