Hoping for WAS to come home

[JaxFL14]

I was going to send her an email so that I can proof read it many times. I do agree with my IC for sure. I can't give her me right now without me having her. Right now I feel she uses me because she knows I want it to work and that I won't say no on most occasions. I know she feels that divorce doesn't have to be two people that hate each other and don't get along which I understand but she has mentioned spending holidays together down the road as a BLENDED family. ???????????? Yeah, in 5 years ill bring my new wife over for Xmas dinner. That's funny. Right now I'm making this all to easy for her. I've done things to help her cause I want her to realize she needs me. But how will she realize that when I'm still doing them? And I realized that my wife has been telling me she needs a diff type of romance for years. Though I thought I was trying she was telling me by her reading romance novels, telling me she didn't have space to miss me and that I was too available which is hard to make some excited to see you when there is constant contact. Ohhhhh the things I would do differently. Lol

[JaxFL14]

Dang, as fast as I was up and feeling positive I'm cycling down. You know one day all of us will think back to these times and wish we could go back and tell ourselfs it all happens for a reason and you will be happy. I just have to look at my sister who was married to a navy deal that was KIA back in 2005. Devastating event in our families life. Yet through time she found love again and 2 great kids.
Do our WAS really ever come home or do we get back together? I suppose most that read the book never find the website and this forum, or don't let us know its worked out but some "minutes" I look at what my W is doing and just don't see how she will change her mind or have the guts to tell me she wants to try. But I'll just keep controlling the thing I can and that's me. But I miss my W. :-(

But to finish on a happy note I'm playing golf Friday for the first time since BD.

[etc]

Jax, I continue to see so many similarities in our sitches and I have the same nice guy behaviors. When are we going to get the picture? THEY DON'T WANT US RIGHT NOW. We need to give that space to them and stop focusing on them.

I still find myself hanging onto every conversation, every word, hoping for a "good day," etc. to give me some semblance of hope. It's sad and pathetic at times. This isn't a sprint. This isn't even a marathon. This is a trek around the world! They'll never miss us if we don't leave them alone.

We should start a thread or post somewhere that lists 500 GAL activities to do so whenever we get tempted to focus on them or care take (didn't they say they didn't want us?) or give them attention, we can go look up something to do on the list instead. Golf would definitely have a place up somewhere near the top of the list. Have fun!

ETC

[JaxFL14]

ETC,
Your right, there should be something. I need a shock collar that knows when I'm about to get week or needy and shock me until I come out of it. Lol

I wrote out an email that I'm going to send to my W about boundaries and what I need right now. Just don't know when to send it. Would it really hurt anything if I sent it now and then had our trip to MD on the 5th of August? I doubt it. As of now she doesn't even want to attempt to stay married so what would it hurt. Why wait until after the trip? Do you think an email basically saying you can't ask me to cut wood, fix pipes and replace outlets at your new home, is going against being the friend? Shouldn't helping her be a good thing? But then I think, she can't have it the way she wants it. She has to see what being alone is like. I can't do the things for her like I'm still her loving husband in a loving marriage. She's told me she wants a divorce, she moved out, she doesn't want try counseling, but then is willing to move states if I have to for my job. Said she wants to go from Florida to Hawaii. I know she wouldn't mind being out of Florida because of my family living here in this town which she has not spoken to one time since BD. but she claims to have no problem with me. That its all in her head, she fell out of love and has this feeling of wanting to live alone. (Believe nothing she says) no one WANTS to go through life alone. I'm still hopeful that her antidepressants have something to do with it and maybe a hormone imbalance. I've said it before and it still goes through my head every day. How does a women with 2 young kids, and 2 months prego with a third have the urge to leave and live alone? (Stayed until baby was 6 months old before dropping bomb). I just can't swallow that it's not a head thing and she's not thinking right. But dang, she's been moved out for 3 months and hasn't even once hinted about a regret.

[JaxFL14]

Is it time I delete this thread, give a short recap and start a new one? 13 pages is a lot.

[etc]

I need a shock collar..

I loved this! I need one too!

Do you think an email basically saying you can't ask me to cut wood, fix pipes and replace outlets at your new home, is going against being the friend?

I have the same dilemma. We're pretty friendly with each other, but W has been pretty good thus far not asking for stuff like this. It's only been about month though for me w/her out of the house. My W is very resourceful. I sense I'd act the same as you though. Let me know if you figure this out. Do you have to write a letter regarding boundaries? I'd stay away from letter writing for awhile. Can't your actions just speak them?

I've said it before and it still goes through my head every day. How does a women with 2 young kids, and 2 months prego with a third have the urge to leave and live alone?

How does your W not have an OM? There's gotta be something behind the scenes. Is there an active EA you don't know about? I've heard the same things about me moving the family to a nicer locale and W following along.

ETC

[labug]

Jax, you don't have to delete your thread, but the mods do like you to start another when you get to 100 posts. when you want to lock, click notify on the last post on the thread and send a msg to lock.

About sending an email, why would you send it now? Has she asked you to do something recently?

If she does then you can say W, I can't do those things for you right now.

But I don't think you're sold on that boundary. Really think about it before you set it.

Don't do it if the only reason is you think it will make her see the light and want you back.

You spend a lot of time wondering about why she left, she told you why she left. You just don't buy it and that's spinning your wheels, keeping you stuck. Your job is to work on you.

Good luck, buddy. This is hard stuff.

[Not Quitting]

Jax, just read your thread. There's similarities with my sitch as well. My H doesn't get on with my family - I don't have an issue with his as they live in the UK and I have no contact with them. Even when we lived in the UK, we weren't close to them and had minimal contact. Of course, saying that it was because H wasn't overly close to them either. I lost contact with both my sisters for years because I was trying to keep H happy. The only good thing so far out of my sitch is reconnecting with them both. The big issue between H and I right now is living with my dad. I've even suggested that I would look for somewhere to rent (not going to be easy with rental prices around here and a bad credit rating to go with it), but if that's what it's going to take to help save my marriage I'd do it.

It took 6 months from BD for my H to even hint he still wanted to work on the marriage, but he still says he doesn't know if it can be saved. He moved out shortly after first saying it - said he needed more space and time to sort things out. Even though he's said he still wants to try and work on the M, he's never shown any sign of regret for what he's said and done since BD, and I no longer expect him to.

Stop trying to read her mind - it'll just drive you crazy. I know, I tried reading my H's mind and it certainly drove me crazy. Any vet would tell you the same thing. As a mother I know I couldn't leave my son (just having him away from home for two weeks now is killing me), but I was lucky enought to not suffer from PPD. Both H and I have had PTSD though - him from his military service (he still has flashbacks even now) and both of us from the death of an infant. Depression does play tricks with your mind, so who knows what's going on in there. And to be honest, having been through a form of depression, you don't want to know what's going on in there - it's a dark, scary, depressing place right now.

From what I've read here and elsewhere, the worst thing we can do is try and rush things. Months or years seem a long time, but if you really feel your W and M is worth it, then do what you have to do. I'm not ready to give up on mine yet, and I'm finding just reading posts here is really helping me keep things in perspective. Our spouses may never come round, but if we keep DBing we'll be in a better place ourselves. As hard as it is to maintain, a PMA is the most important thing, especially when you're with your kids.

[lost_hope]

Jax, I continue to see so many similarities in our sitches and I have the same nice guy behaviors. When are we going to get the picture? THEY DON'T WANT US RIGHT NOW. We need to give that space to them and stop focusing on them.

I still find myself hanging onto every conversation, every word, hoping for a "good day," etc. to give me some semblance of hope. It's sad and pathetic at times. This isn't a sprint. This isn't even a marathon. This is a trek around the world! They'll never miss us if we don't leave them alone.



ETC

I am starting to believe this for my H and M. I don't think he will ever miss me unless we are apart so I think when we move I am going to ask him to leave (which he claims he wants to do) even though it will be hard with a newborn.

Anyway, Jax, my opinion (and I may be way off base here) is that you should only help her if it's an extreme emergency (fire, major flooding, break in) or if it it any way affects your kids (fix something of theirs, do something for them). Otherwise, she wants to be on her own so she should know what it's like to be on her own. That's the path she chose and you have to act as if you believe her and you are moving on, or better yet start moving on. If she were to remain the same, how long would you go on doing things for her in her separate house? At a certain point it would have to stop. This is a fine line to walk though b/c you also don't want to be mean. From what you've told us you are Mr. Nice Guy and maybe she doesn't really appreciate it. So from a 180 perspective you are going to have to stop being so nice with her anyway. Don't be mean, but don't be as available.

I don't know what's going on with your W but I don't necessarily thinks there's another M as someone else said. It may be a psychological thing for her, in which case she will need to work things out on her own. In the meantime, you have to show her the best "you" you can be.

[stilllookingup]

I just have to look at my sister who was married to a navy deal that was KIA back in 2005. Devastating event in our families life. Yet through time she found love again and 2 great kids.

I've always taken this differently. My MIL lost her 2nd H who she was so happily married with to a heart attack. No sign, no warning. Now she's been in a relationship with her new love for more than 10 years and I think they'll be together forever. Even though losing somebody you love to tragic accidents like theirs must be unbearable but their Hs loved them when they died. MIL knows the 2nd H loved her when he died. Your sister knows her H loved her when he died.

I often think and wonder would I really be able to love somebody like I do H if he were to leave me knowing he didn't love me anymore? These thoughts are completely against DB-ing but I can't help but wonder.

I know I should be able to be at a place where I can honestly think "pffft! He's a fool for leaving me. It's ok he didn't love me because somebody else will" but obviously I'm not there yet.