Talk about only if he brings it up. When you are talking to him, use I statements instead of you, you, you. This works, at least it did for me. And really listen to what he has to say. And don't interrupt him while he is talking.
I like this part: I think I shocked him by saying I could understand why he saw it that way and have realized a lot of things about myself since we've been apart.
You caught him off guard because you used an I statement.
Like I said earlier, actions speaks louder than words. You have to show, show, show.
Be careful when fighting, because we can not take back what we say. When you feel yourself getting mad, walk away for a few minutes. Gain on your composure and then continue the conversation.
Post in your signature line your age, children and how long you have been separated. This will help.
Question...how long does it typically take for the 180's, the GAL, etc to work? Is the more time spent apart detrimental (it would seem it would be)? How do you know when to say when?
Me: 26 H: 28 T:8 M:5 D:2 BD:4/1/13 Separated 6/6/13 Filed separation 6/21/13 Waiting for D papers to be served, H says filed
It depends on the situation. Don't rush things because you might end back here in a year or two. See I didn't want to rush things, I wanted to date my H before he moved back in with me. And I let him move back in without dating first. Yes, I do regret that because now I am finding myself thinking about my future with or without him. Take your time and figure out what you want. It's a long journey for you, learn from it.
I've thought about my controlling behavior a lot. The true answer, or at least what I think is truth, scares me because it makes me feel like there's no hope. I think I control because a) I'm afraid of rejection and b) (and this is the big one) because I want H to be something or someone he's not. And when he shows me who he truly is in relation to his goals, dreams, personality, etc i try to coerce him into another way. For example: I want him to love being a dad and for D to be his #1 priority. Truth is he loves her, but never really wanted kids and has said he doesn't love all the other work that comes with patenting. I also want him to be thoughtful and respectful oft time and family functions, yet those dont seem to be of concern to him and never have been. And lastly I just want him to actors mature; to be an involved dad and husband who enjoys time with his family and gets satisfaction in doing hobbies D enjoys as well vs the teenage social behavior he often displays.
Me: 26 H: 28 T:8 M:5 D:2 BD:4/1/13 Separated 6/6/13 Filed separation 6/21/13 Waiting for D papers to be served, H says filed
I was a huge controller too, so I get it. It was very difficult for me to see it too....took quite a few clubs on the head from some good folks here for me to wrap my hands around it.
Originally Posted By: forlovessake
For example: I want him to love being a dad and for D to be his #1 priority.
I also want him to be thoughtful and respectful oft time and family functions
I just want him to actors mature; to be an involved dad and husband who enjoys time with his family and gets satisfaction in doing hobbies D enjoys as well vs the teenage social behavior he often displays.
Do you see the control in every one of these comments?
Do you see that you have absolutely no control over any of these things? You don't get a vote in any of this. These are all his choices to make, whether you like it or not.
What you can control is YOU. That's it.
Originally Posted By: forlovessake
I think I control because a) I'm afraid of rejection and b) (and this is the big one) because I want H to be something or someone he's not.
So dig into the rejection...where does that come from? Why do you feel that way?
On the second piece, go back and look at those things above. Why do you think you want those things?
Wow, you're so right. It is all controlling. But then it scares me/makes me sad. What if he wants to work things out someday, but he's exactly the same; selfish and with different priorities. That would be a really hard life for me to continue leading.
Me: 26 H: 28 T:8 M:5 D:2 BD:4/1/13 Separated 6/6/13 Filed separation 6/21/13 Waiting for D papers to be served, H says filed
Wow, you're so right. It is all controlling. But then it scares me/makes me sad. What if he wants to work things out someday, but he's exactly the same; selfish and with different priorities. That would be a really hard life for me to continue leading.
You can play the "what if" game for eternity, but I don't think it's helpful. What you can do is work on your stuff, make you the "woman only a fool would leave," and make yourself happy. After you get to that point, THEN you can start to make some decisions about what you want out of life. You'll undoubtedly see changes in your H as you start to make changes in yourself....but don't worry about what they'll be for now.
This is hard work, and you are just at the beginning of it. I'm going to let you in on a little secret. You are unhappy because of you...you own it. Your H is not the source. Even if he allowed you to control him, and let you be his puppeteer, you'd still be unhappy. Once you dig into some of these issues, once you get past them, you'll be amazed at how happy you become....regardless where you M is.
I say to H all the time actually...he creates his own happiness. Or I used to. I'm scared that H and I should never have gotten married...we fought a lot and I knew in my heart God was telling me not to. Yet, I do love him. We're just soooo different and we've never had the spark a lot of couples do or been truly lovey dovey happy.
Me: 26 H: 28 T:8 M:5 D:2 BD:4/1/13 Separated 6/6/13 Filed separation 6/21/13 Waiting for D papers to be served, H says filed
