I am not sure what you mean exactly by sitting with the letter a little longer. I am already divorced and i really have no intentions for how i think my XW would or should feel about it. I am just wondering if anyone had any thoughts about how this is written and if it maybe could start me on the path to some closure. I also don't want her to feel like i am always going to be there for her no matter what her choices are from here on out. I want her to feel like she has lost me completely, for me and for her. Like i mentioned, i don't want to be her second choice.
It just seems like other than GAL, there is no criteria to follow once your D is finalized. Do you start dating again? How does one know when your ready for that? I will always have feelings for my XW, but do i shun the possibility of starting a new R with someone who interests me in the hope that the fog does actually lift for my XW? I know i will become happy again, but i also know that i am not willing to wait months, or years as they say it takes for the fog to lift and the WAS to realize what they are missing. And then what? Try dating your ex again for months or even a year or two only to find out that isn't working because neither of us can get that "magic feeling back?"
Maybe it sounds like i want to start dating again because i am afraid to be alone. Maybe it seems like i can't live survive without someone special in my life, but i think everyone will agree with me, or most everyone, that it is nice to be able to come home to that special someone. Someone who makes you feel important like our spouse's did, and like we did at one point for them. Those feelings were special, and i would be lying if i said i didn't want those things again.
So am i afraid to be alone? Maybe.
Do i want that supposed american dream of a family that is together with the kids and the house? Absolutely without a doubt. Am i willing to settle for someone who doesn't make me feel special just to achieve that goal? No friggin way.
I think part of it is happening now as a result of being told i basically wasn't a good enough H anymore. Part of me wants to prove everyone wrong. Show all of them, even a new potential W, that i can be the man i once was. I just lost my way somehow.
I do think, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that whomever or whenever a new relationship comes along, i know i am going to do everything in my power not to repeat the same mistakes i have in the past.
I certainly am not disagreeing with you, and i appreciate the advice, but i am just looking for some sort of road map as to how to proceed post divorce.
And i am wondering if this final letter would be a good way of speeding the healing process along.
Me: 41 W: 36 M:9 yrs Together: 12 yrs Kids S7 S4 BD: 01/13 W filed 5/13 D final 8/13
I definitely wouldn't send the letter. It doesn't sound at all detached and I suspect will make you feel better in the short term, but not in a way that is speeding up the healing process. I think it would delay it if anything. I see no reason at all to tell her all those things. It is much too personal, in my opinion.
Act like someone who thinks what you wrote but don't write it to her. Show her that you're moving on, don't tell her. Only respond to texts about the kids, for example.
Good luck!
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
Hi, I agree with the others, not to send the letter. I like the idea above, to show her that you are moving on, rather than telling her or sending a letter.
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
Let some time go by before you send it. Personally, I would not send it. She is done with the M. LRT! The letter sounds like you are begging for a second chance. No begging. It doesn't work.
The S you are sending it to is not your W right now. She is not the woman you married.
LRT and GAL. I am so very sorry that you are where you are right now. I can only imagine how hurt you must be feeling right now.
Start working on getting on with your life without her. If she comes back, that would be great. But for now, go out with your friends and find your happiness. You deserve some happiness after the work you have put into your R.
My prayers are with you. Keep posting on your progress.
My opinion of dating and wanting her to know that your are done with her:
Dating: only you will know when you feel the time is right to date. When the time is right, go date. You are a single man right now. Start doing what makes you feel happy. If you want to be a Stander and wait for her that is your choice too. Only you can decide that.
As far as wanting her to know that you are done with her. Don't tell her in a letter, SHOW HER! If she notices great but you can count on that. By going out and GAL, you will be helping yourself to heal and get on with your life. If later down the road you happen to find each other again, great! But GAL will put you in a position that will allow you to be in a far better place if the right person comes along. Its time for you to be a little selfish for yourself. Treat yourself well and the rest will fall into place.
As far as proving that you are great guy to everyone. I think you are preaching to the wrong audience. The only one you, or any of us, need to prove anything to is ourselves. Be happy with yourself first and don't worry what anyone else thinks. You have to find YOUR happiness, not someone elses.
I believe that when you find your own happiness, love will follow. You just cant force it.
Get back out there and be you. You are a great person and if you meet someone you like, explore it. It is your choice and yours alone. You will know when the time is right for you.
Or would i be better off by just sending her a final letter and leaving it at the house. Maybe something as follows:
W,
I just want to let you know that i treasure the time i have spent with you during our years together. I have accepted my faults and i understand why you feel you needed to come to this decision.
However, i also feel right now that it is time for me to move on. You don't want me in your life now and have clearly stated this to me. I am not sexy to you anymore, and you mentioned that you have felt from the beginning that this was all a mistake. You have stated to me in the past during all this that if you see true changes in me, then maybe we can start dating again. I don't feel that way right now and my life and career are now pulling me in new directions and i feel that i need to focus my attention on those things, and most importantly, on our children. I will not be anyone's second choice. I am a strong man and i feel that is what i deserve.
I wish you nothing but the best, and i hope you find whatever you are looking for in life, but it is with a heavy heart that i feel i need to make one final request. I ask that you no longer contact me about anything unless it is in regards to the children or related to the sale of the house.
I feel like i can hold my head high and i have come to terms with the fact that i tried everything i could to save our M, but you just couldn't trust the changes i was making and you told me you weren't going to wait. I don't blame you for this.
These changes are exciting for me and i feel a new found hope for what life is going to bring me in the future.
I want to tell you that you will always have a special place tucked away in my heart, i truly would have died for you and i can say that you once were the love of my life, and with this i would like to tell you one final time,
Goodbye.
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
I have decided after reading everyone's thoughts on the subject and after some soul searching that I realize I am now divorced, and i have no reason to send any type of letter to my XW.
The things i have done right or wrong since BD are in the past. I can no longer do anything about them. Maybe it is helping me come to terms with some of this, maybe i am starting to finally have some peace from within regarding these past 7 months.
I have to consciously think about what i am going to do now for myself and i realize that by sending XW any type of letter is not going to do ME any good.
I can't change anything about the past, and i need to start forgiving myself and move on. I find it easier now post D and i also find it much easier by not having any contact with XW.
This has been the worst experience of my life, and i know i will be stronger for it at some point, but it will take some more time.
It's time for me to be happy again!
Me: 41 W: 36 M:9 yrs Together: 12 yrs Kids S7 S4 BD: 01/13 W filed 5/13 D final 8/13
Sounds like an absolutely great approach. Not easy, but will be worth it in the end.
Stay strong!
Me-48,W-51 M-22,T-24 S- 18,16,9 Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
OK everyone, i have a question. Maybe i just need a 2 x 4 or whatever, but here goes:
The only time i see XW now is when we are exchanging the kids on weekends. I am having a hard time even being remotely caring towards her almost to the point of being short with her. I don't do it intentionally, but it almost feels like i have lost a ton of respect for her. I know what i have done wrong in our M, and i will make sure if i am blessed enough to ever get M again, i will not make the same mistakes.
But i guess my question is, how do i get past this part of me not caring or wanting to even put forth the effort to be nice to her after she gave up on our M without even trying to work on things?
I know it has only been a short time since our D was final, but i just can't seem to force myself to smile at her or even ask her how she is doing. This was a major sticking point in our M in the fact that she would come home every night and kiss and hug the kids but wouldn't even pay me an ounce of attention. So now when we do see each other i guess i shouldn't expect her to say hello or anything, but she has gone completely cold. More of the same from her i guess.
This has been a hard week for me for some reason, and i am fighting with my emotions on why i want to reconcile with her down the road so badly.
Am i wrong for feeling so cold towards her right now? Have any of you ever felt this way? I just can't force an effort or a smile right now.
Maybe i need to forgive her and let it go, maybe i need to forgive myself. All i know is, i am getting sick of my head still spinning with thoughts about how this all went so wrong.
ughh!
Me: 41 W: 36 M:9 yrs Together: 12 yrs Kids S7 S4 BD: 01/13 W filed 5/13 D final 8/13
Its a self defense mechanism, and perfect normal. You do it so she cant say anything to hurt you further. The reason your hurt is cause you never really had a say in the demise/reconciliation of the marriage, you put in an effort and you don't think she did.
What you have to understand is, it was months or maybe even years she battled with the decision, you just missed the signs, and granted she never really told you, but you probably suspect something wasn't right.
Being cold right now, makes it your turn to move on in your own way. That's what she did to move on. For you it was a short cycle, for her it was an eternity. Maybe, just maybe, she'll remember the good times, but not anytime soon.
Theres no time frame on when the hurt will start to disappear. Your at a stage that you need to just grieve the loss of your marriage, only you will decide how long that will be. Don't be in a hurry to speed thru the process thou, those are your feelings and you need the closure to move on. Dating is a way to try to speed thru the process, when your done, you wont even question if its the right time or not, it will just happen.
In regards to your kids being left alone, that is scary actually. That is WAY to young to be left alone. How can you do it without coming off as vindictive? That's the million dollar question, you've raised your concerns, she's not listening. Let me ask you this, what if you were to find out one of your children got seriously hurt during one of these periods, how do you think you'd react? Angry im sure. I'd probably teach my kids how to use 911 first. Make sure they have a plan IF something did happen. Are any of your former neighbors friends with you? know whats happened? willing to keep an eye out for the sake of the kids? Without going behind your back to your wife and making a bad situation worse? Its a very fine line for sure, maybe just call the police desk, without details, and ask for some advice?
