DB seemingly backfired w/ my H???

[Mimi00]

H got paid today for the first time since the official BD. When he went back to his job he had to sign a new contract since he had quit and didn't have plans to return(so he says...). I was worried he'd get his direct deposit setup to go into his own personal checking this time, but he didn't, it went into our joint checking per usual, as my work checks do as well.

I'm the only one who has a check card attached to that joint checking. But I no longer use it since the BD, I got a card for a personal checking account so I plan to just transfer a small chunk of money to my personal account and spend from there instead of the joint one. I figured him not seeing me "spending" maybe he won't get annoyed and want to "cut me off". If that makes sense?
He said he'll support me for as long as I need, but I'm being cautious with trusting that so that's why I did that, as well as why I want to move back to where we lived and go back to my full time job.

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I texted him today just to let him know that I did get the car serviced as planned, it runs much better and said I hope he's having a nice week.

H: That's good. Spent my morning delivering twins. My week is going fine. How about you?

Me: How often do you work in the ob now, I know you've said in the past that's not always your favorite. Has to be a rewarding experience though. I am doing fine.

(I mentioned him saying it's not his favorite on purpose, so he knows I listened when he told me work stories in the past)

H: Yes it is. I've been taking call in the ob

(I took 40 mintues respond after that. I had nothing to say really, I don't know what to say most of the time anymore because I'd rather tell him to come to his senses and lets work this out. I want to tell him the emotional roller coaster I've been on this week. But of course I don't.)

I finally said:
Me: "That's cool. I'd like to see that in person someday, see what it's like in real time. Hope you enjoy the rest of you day"


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I am going out of town tomorrow to apartment search and GAL. I didn't get any responses from here on whether I should tell him or not. So I haven't told him. I guess this will be a 180 for me, being mysterious, usually I'm an open book. When he finds out I'm there, he may think I decided not to take his advice to wait 30 days and moved.

Hopefully he doesn't react negatively. Any one think he may and I should go about this differently?

[MrCAS]

Don't spent a lot of time thinking about what he may be thinking. It will not serve you any purpose.

Do what you need to do. You need to line a place to live before you move so that shouldn't be an issue. It certainly would not be with me.

Good to see you did some validation to your H. It is important he knows that you heard what has said in the past. Good job!

[lost_hope]

I agree with PP. you need a place to live so you are entitled to go and find one without his advice or consent. I wonder why he's asking you to wait 30 days anyway. I'm not a vet but I think this would be a great example of acting as if you are moving on, or better than that. Actually moving ok. You deserve certainty in your living situation as well as your job.

[Mimi00]

Good to see you did some validation to your H. It is important he knows that you heard what has said in the past. Good job!

Thanks MrCAS! I try where I can

I agree with PP. you need a place to live so you are entitled to go and find one without his advice or consent. I wonder why he's asking you to wait 30 days anyway.

Hi lost_hope! I guess I am trying to walk a fine line: Letting go/moving on, yet still practice DB/180 techniques, just in case it helps. I guess, planting seeds, hoping they one day grow?

In our marriage he felt I was too independent & we never became "one" in his eyes. Since we have not filed anything, I'm still trying to keep him in the loop a bit certain things, to make him feel like his opinion has worth/is valued and simply out of respect. If that makes sense?

Him wanting me to wait 30 days: I wanted to move by this weekend and technically wouldn't have had much money to work with, b/c he spent A LOT during his 3 weeks off, non-paid vacation here to BD, 2 weeks ago. I could have asked my parents, but I don't think he wants me to do that because of how it will make him appear (recently he said something like this, that is why I assume so). So he suggested I wait 30 days, b/c in that 30 days he will have been paid twice and will be able to financially help me with the move and I could really think about everything I would need to make the move easy (though I did not ask for help).

I'm not a vet but I think this would be a great example of acting as if you are moving on, or better than that. Actually moving ok. You deserve certainty in your living situation as well as your job.

Deep down inside I think I fear him seeing me as "moving on", as if that will then permit him to move on in his own heart. But I can't live in that fear, I have to put myself first!

[lost_hope]

Well, let me be the first to say I understand the fear. This is the second time my H has walked away in as many years (though this time is emotional abandonment with threat of physical abandonment sometime in the future). I was fearful both times. The first time I was scared of so many things: getting divorced, living life on my own in a new country, never having children, not being able to trust again/be in a normal relationship, feeling "undesirable" and like no one will want me. This time I am also scared except insert I am pregnant and about to give birth so my fears are much more related to my child not having a "normal" upbringing and how I will raise him on my own (albeit with H being in the picture). So I totally get it and think you need to do what's best in that context.

With respect to keeping him in the loop, yes when you put it that way you can do it out of respect. But certainly you don't need him weighing in or helping you decide. You also seem to want to do it without his financial help which if you can swing then it gives you a sort of freedom from him, which may help you in the long run.

But I also want to talk to you about waiting. And this is not from a DB point of view but from own experience from last time around. My H was perfectly happy to allow me to live in limbo. He wanted to cake eat. I had to force the issue: "Do you want to work on things or do you want to leave me for good?" and he chose leaving me. He didn't live with me and we separated finances, but he wanted to be my friend. It was almost sick -- he wanted to be the one to save me from my misery ... check up on me, make sure I was eating, when he was the one who caused it by walking away Anyway, at some point a month later I started detaching (not on purpose bc I had no clue about DB) and after three months I actually starting moving on and I stopped calling him, stopped moping and crying and complaining when we did speak, I didn't allow him in the apartment to "check on me" and I even stopped sharing the one car we owned together at a huge inconvenience to myself. I moved on and I was always happy and cheery when we did engage. Literally a few weeks later was when he came back. (I realize the irony in that since that it what DB is about, right?)

So while forcing the issue may be against DB, moving on and getting on with your life is not. In your case I think being around your family and getting a FT job will help you (nor hurt) in your journey.

Finally he may not want to look bad to your family but but if truly doesn't want to look bad he should not be putting you in this situation.

Anyway, I was just giving my .02 in my life experience and not as per strict DB. For my own situation I realize I will have to move on, with new baby and C section scars and all, if I have any chance of getting my H back. Him being around puts me in a bad mental state and I don't have it in me to fake a PMA. There's nothing to feel positively about when your H has left you while pregnant. Zero . And I can't even begin to fake it. I have resorted to one word answers with him now I know that's not light and airy but I have no other way of protecting myself from him for now.

[Mimi00]

The first time I was scared of so many things: getting divorced, living life on my own in a new country, never having children, not being able to trust again/be in a normal relationship, feeling "undesirable" and like no one will want me.

I can sooo relate to this right now.
I'm so used to the routine of work and then going home and making sure he has everything he needs, hot meal cooked, clean (as possible) place to relax. It will be strange being on my own again.

We don't have kids and I just turned 30 a few months ago, I never thought about having kids until we met and it was something I really looked forward to. We moved 6 months ago, then he started a traveling job to make more money, so we could to start on this dream. No I fear I will never have children.

I know I could find someone else, so I don't fear being alone, but it's the fear of will they leave one day too? So what would be the point of even being in another relationship when someone can just walk away and abandon you at any moment they feel like it, and you're supposed to sit there, validate their feelings and accept it.

With respect to keeping him in the loop, yes when you put it that way you can do it out of respect. But certainly you don't need him weighing in or helping you decide. You also seem to want to do it without his financial help which if you can swing then it gives you a sort of freedom from him, which may help you in the long run.

Yes, I'd like to do it alone. But if he's willing to give money, I will surely take it and most likely save it!

I was wondering if I should have my new job direct deposit into my own account or if I should let it go to our joint account (since his still goes there and he's not holding it back from me). I fear when he see that I'm getting paid pretty decently that he'll was to cut me off with out realizing it won't be enough to support myself 100% the way I would need to. So I do still somewhat need him financially, at least until the end of the year (he doesn't know I have a time line in mind)

I am however considering having it go into our joint account because it would be a 180 (when I had a full time job before it went into my personal account because at the time that's what my card was connected to so it just made sense to me. What I didn't know was the H didn't like that. It hurt him and he felt I was keeping the money from him, and he didn't like "asking" me for money. But he didn't tell me this until 2.5 years later in counseling. SMH)and also him seeing me making a larger amount of money and him having access to it might help him to see one of the benefits of still being married?

Maybe that's just wishful thinking on my part thought lol
I'm still deciding what to do.

[quote=lost_hope]
But I also want to talk to you about waiting. And this is not from a DB point of view but from own experience from last time around. My H was perfectly happy to allow me to live in limbo. He wanted to cake eat. I had to force the issue: "Do you want to work on things or do you want to leave me for good?" and he chose leaving me. He didn't live with me and we separated finances, but he wanted to be my friend.

My H has made it clear he's done. His favorite thing to say now is "when I am done I am done... those who know me know this" (implying I don't know him). So yeah, I'm not necessarily waiting, though we haven't filed.

I see his pics online, he's living his life to the fullest (or at least making it appear that way). He has the paper work needed to file the dissolution, but we have to work everything out. I don't know when he'll bring it up again, so he can follow through on it. In the mean time I'm not mentioning it.

I've decided that even if we do or don't file I will give him until the end of the year, to possibly change his heart/mind.
If it doesn't happen in the next 6 months then I will let all hope of R go for good. So I'm "productively waiting" if that makes sense?

Thanks so much for sharing your experience with me, it was very helpful!

[lost_hope]

I don't know why I'm having such a hard time quoting. I LOVE your confidence and you're so young I also think you will be able to find someone else. But your question about will they stay, that hit home, because I really thought I found someone who believed in sticking it out. I mean, it's not like I'm abusing him, we just have regular marital issues that can be worked on if both parties would try. So you're right who's to say it won't happen again. But I know sometimes people find wonderful second spouses so I know there's hope. For me ... now I'm two years older and am having a baby so that's a package deal and I know that's a deal breaker for many men. I'm also at that weird age where many men my age or a bit older are already settled down/married/starting families so I'd have to go a bit older to find someone. Not that I'm emotionally ready at all. Between the divorce and my anxiety disorder and also needing to focus squarely on my child I can't even think about that right now.

I am glad you are productively waiting. I thought I was too (since my H also makes it clear that he's done and I do believe him, he will only come back if/when he wants to) but I have turned unproductive lately. I am getting really nervous ... my son is coming into this world in 3 weeks and between that and the closing on two properties my anxiety has kicked into overdrive.

Anyway, I do understand the financial issues and of course if he's willing to help then I say take it. I did the same in buying the house with him bc I knew that he would have to pay at least 1/2 for the mortgage by getting into the deal with me and that's a big chunk of money even if he never pays anything else for my son (which he will). I am having the same issues with joint bank account. My mom advised me months ago to separate it, and I will at some point in the future, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Although for me it would be a 180 to separate as we had joint account even while dating and not engaged.

I decided I am going to file in the beginning of the year, that should be enough for him to decide whether he wants to be a family with me and his son or not. That would be five months after birth but ten months from "INILWY" To be honest my heart hurts and I don't even know if I'd take him back at that point.

Good luck and have a good weekend. I hope things will turn around for you! Keep up the good work.

[MrCAS]

Read Sandi's rules, girl! Believe nothing what they say and half of what they do.

I doubt he is having the time of his life.

From my own life experiences, when I went south, I wanted everyone, read that my W, to think that my life was perfect. That it was awesome. That it was everything that my life in MN was not. That things could not have turned out better.

It was a lie. A big fat lie.

The truth is that I was never more miserable... never more angry... never more dissatisfied with my life ever.

If he putting his paycheck into the joint account then you might consider depositing a portion of your check as well.

[chl0901]

I know I could find someone else, so I don't fear being alone, but it's the fear of will they leave one day too? So what would be the point of even being in another relationship when someone can just walk away and abandon you at any moment they feel like it, and you're supposed to sit there, validate their feelings and accept it.

Mimi, I also fear this. Who's to say that one day down the road if my M doesn't work out that I give my heart to someone else who does the same thing? It's a scary feeling! But I guess there are no guarantees with anything in life really (except death and taxes).

I agree with MrCAS about at least having a portion of your check deposit into your joint checking, since his check is and also since you mentioned that the separate account has been an issue of your H's in the past.

[Mimi00]

I decided I am going to file in the beginning of the year, that should be enough for him to decide whether he wants to be a family with me and his son or not.

Maybe I will consider doing the same at the end of the year if he hasn't filed already, that would be the biggest 180 ever for me lol

Good luck and have a good weekend. I hope things will turn around for you! Keep up the good work.

Thanks. The weekend went well. Had fun, saw a few good perspective apartments. The only negative was that I didn't feel the way I was hoping I would. I moved there in 2006 on my own after college, it was my dream city/place to live, I loooooved it there, so many good memories. I gave up living there and moved 45 mintues away for H b/c he got a job outside the city so we moved. I was hoping I'd be in love with the city like I was back in 2006, but instead I felt "done" with it. I guess when I gave it up for a life with him, I gave it up for good.

I don't feel like that is where I should be anymore.

But I don't feel like where I am is where I should be either.

So unfortunately I am feeling very "lost" right now.

I will still probably take the job and leave in two weeks just to make/save money and get own my two feet. But I think by new years I will have to decide where I want to be long term.

Yesterday I took pics at a few places I went while there and posted them online. Surprise! I got a text from H:

H: "Did you move already?"

Me: "Hi, how are you? No I didn't just visiting."

H: "I'm fine, how's the city?"

Me: Fine. Went to some apartments, not making any commitments, just looking and seeing how I feel.

He didn't respond again.

I haven't said anything else either.

Now that I am back home I was thinking of sending him an email letting him know how the visit went and the specifics with taking his offer to help financially.

If he putting his paycheck into the joint account then you might consider depositing a portion of your check as well.

I agree with MrCAS about at least having a portion of your check deposit into your joint checking, since his check is and also since you mentioned that the separate account has been an issue of your H's in the past.

Thanks MrCAS & Chl for your opinions; it's nice to have them.
Good to know my ideas aren't crazy sometimes lol