Sigh. It sure sounds like most of here are managing teen to adult kids post-D with some issues. Maybe THIS topic is why we're still around and not the dating thing. Believe me, I'm paying close attention to all of you.
I don't know if I have any words of wisdom. I think with your S31, there is not a whole lot you can do except to maybe write him a heartfelt letter and know that you love him and are there for him, and that you're not disappointed in him. Concerned, maybe, but not disappointed.
As far as A goes. I dunno. I sure hope she's not learned it's okay to cheat. She's always seemed like a reasonable kid and maybe it's time for some tough love from you and Josh and not to extend her "vacation" at the lake beyond what you agreed? And I also don't think it would be out of line for you to point out why he's clingy. God knows you've seen that before.
As I mentioned over at my place, I think this parenting thing has become incredibly tough - walking the fine line between being a mother, adviser, friend or lackey. I wish I had a crystal ball for all of us.
FWIW, I have friends who are still married who have very similar issues to yours and Ellie's. I have no doubt that the breakup of their families affected their emotional health, though. I know this one firsthand.
With my D16, like Ryan, I don't see it manifested in her. The best thing about having a special needs child is that every day is groundhog day and they live in the moment.
But I think that the D has affected my D19 in a way as well. I think her perfectionism (which I know is an extension of being very, very self critical) is her way of making sure that her dad is proud of her and that he doesn't have a reason to push her away (like he did when I was knocked off the pedestal). That same perfectionism extends to her friendships.
I love her friends - they are typical, with their actions and beliefs and they have very typical consequences for kids that age. But my D19 is very hard on her friends, expecting them to outright know consequences when they happen and seems to hold them to the same perfectionist standards she sets for herself.
In fact, I'd even go so far as saying she distances herself somewhat from people who disappoint her. My gut feeling is that she doesn't like being hurt and is afraid if she allows for imperfection and unhappiness to seep into her inner circle, she's going to regret it. So she does the pushing first.
Now that she has a BF, I'm going to be paying attention to some signs of not being able to be in a R with someone.
So, yes, I also have challenges with parenting. The perfectionism isn't a complete surprise to me, with or without divorce. My sister, to whom she is very close, is also a perfectionist (far worse than my D19). To her credit, she knows she has that problem and does do her best to make comments that tell her it's okay to be less than perfect. It helps for a time, but not long term.
I'm just afraid that once she realizes everyone around her IS imperfect and disappoints her, she will retreat. And if she gets to that point, I will also suggest heading to an IC. She has done it, and she's watched me do it, so I hope she accepts that it's okay to ask for help.
We'll see.
And Ellie, I'm sorry that your kids were let down by their dad. He sure is an a$$.
Good luck to everyone-
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
