I have never had the experience (thank God)of a settlement hearing,so that's one reason I've hesitated in responding. I think I can see both sides of this situation. I can identify with being the one who wants to explain their actions. Call it a need for justification or fairness, I don't know. But I think I get you wanting the opportunity to just explain things to your W, so she won't have misunderstandings about your part of the settlement, and to know that you own your part of the breakdown, etc.
Thank you! I was beginning to think nobody understood my intentions here...
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The other side is how your W may see this. She may prefer that the two lawyers do all the talking. If you began directing conversation at her....it may embarrass her or make her very angry.
Yeah, see, she doesn't have a L, so she will be doing all the talking for herself and I believe she already feels put-upon by this. That has been impression by previous court engagements. She has expressed anger that I have a lawyer. Our initial intent after the BD was to have an amicable D with the help of one of her work friends who is a paralegal. I didn't feel entirely comfortable with that, but I tried to work with the paralegal briefly. I studied on my rights and intended to have a L look at a hypothetical settlement before I signed anything. My W was never present at the meetings. My W's initial settlement offer was outrageous and I let the PL know that. The TRO was filed a few weeks later before anything else could proceed, and it was at that point that I got a L. I'm not sure what else she expected me to do.
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I just don't think it will be received with the same emotion that you give it. The time & place may seem to be most appropriate to you....but it may not feel that way at all to her (as crazy as it may seem to you).
No, I'm sure you're right. Even though she tried to communicate with me for the first in months over the weekend, her text was very much textbook WAW. The only thing about this time/place is that it seems like it will be the last time I will be face-to-face with her.
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I know you have a very strong need to tell her these things on your heart. If you are forced to leave this M, you want to leave with her not thinking something worse than she did in the beginning of this process.
EXACTLY!!!
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As I said before, I have the same needs with people who aren't even close to me. So, would I be too far out in left field if I thought the same about you? This is really what you are needing b/c you can't stand to think of ending things with you looking like the bad guy. You just want to "explain".
Well, I WAS a bad guy during our M by neglecting her needs and taking her for granted. I just want her to know that I've stopped,I'm sorry, I don't hate her for what she felt she had to do, and I wish her the best. I'm glad you understand and don't think I'm being an unattractive wuss of a man. I've seen you swing a clue-by-four pretty hard at some of the other people around here.
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Let me ask you....why do you have to say it at the hearing? Is it b/c you would be face to face with her? Could you not wait until it is over and maybe put it in an email or letter? Give it a couple of days to cool down, so her emotions won't be wound as tightly. Speaking from the other side of the fence, I don't think she will be receptive of anything you try to say to her the day of the hearing. "Timing" is everything!
Yeah, like I said above, it's mainly a combination of her text on the weekend (first one since January, it feels like a tiny crack in her armor), the content of her text, and the feeling that this will be the last chance I will have to say something to her face. After she left on BD, she refused to communicate face-to-face again. It was all email, text, or voice calls.
I'm sure you're right about the timing though. I know how tense I am right now and I have a L who will be doing all the heavy lifting. I guess I just have to hope that the proceedings don't make her angrier again. Maybe she will finally drop the TRO. (Ha, I doubt it.)
I wish I didn't have to be there. Like I said earlier, it will be a hard tightrope to walk to 1) keep a PMA, 2) not look like an arrogant jerk, and 3) not look like a mopey dope.
Thank you again for checking in on me, I really value your input!
