If you've followed any of my posts during the past 11.5 years (bomb- Aug 2001) - you will know that parenting teens/young adults through divorce has been challenging to say the least. I did 99% of it alone. Their runaway MLC dad became someone they didn't even recognize & although he had minimal involvement - his advice never amounted to more than criticism. They behaved much more maturely than him throughout.
My 3 were 22 (severely disabled), 19 & turning 13 that week when their dad left. It was sudden & shocking - going from a "normal" family to quickly learning about OW (also married with a 15 yr old son) whom he moved in with (she left her H & son when "outed" & her sons, in his despair piled a knife at school & was sent to juvenile detention) - lots of drama.
Initially my 19 year old son, B, was outraged at his dad. He was leaving for college the next week but switched to the local comm college to stay home & help (what a guy!) D 13, A, was in denial. Suddenly she did not have dad driving her to school each day (had to take the bus) & she became very unimportant to him. Initially she did not know abou OW but ex slipped & told her & then she also estranged herself from him fora bit. The kids refused to go to his apt or meet OW. It is still this way today.
So - they have been close to me - never got in any big trouble (A did get caught with pot at school once & was suspended for 2 weeks). Both graduated college & have always had jobs. A moved out 2 years ago but back with me for this summer.
So what are the long term effects I see I my kids?
B is now 31, attractive, decent job, living in Toronto. Had a long term girlfriend but was not ready for marriage & it became a deal breaker. He said he did not want to end up like Mom & Dad. He has dated a bit but can't find " the one" & seems fairly down a lot of the time. Says he knows depression runs in the family ( his dad was manic - living with him was like being on a roller coaster many highs & many lows). Never seems to have enough $, bummed about not having a girlfriend, not always wanting to visit us, wont go on an all expense paid vacation with us or one with his friends. Just bummed. When I recently offered to pay his friend trip as a Christmas gift (it's a wedding trip & he is the best man) - he got angry (eventually agreed to accept, though reluctantly). I've suggested he might need a medical assessment (has not seen a dr in at least 7 years) or to go for counseling - he got upset with me. A couple of days ago he messages me that he will no longer burden me with his problems & that he is sad that I'm disappointed in him. Ummm -NEVER have I said I'm disappointed in him. Not sure how to proceed with him.
A is happily spending the summer here at he lake. She left her boyfriend minding her apt & her cats (I already had 2 so said No Way). She has been with boyfriend for nearly 3 years but guess what? New guy is here almost daily. She wants him to sleep over on nights they've been drinking (on the couch of course). There are sometimes other friends from work here too. Josh & I have said no to the guy on the couch thing because this is OUR home, we don't want strangers crashing but we worry aout drinking & driving so were torn. This is also a lot to dump on Josh who has no kids & has stepped up to the plate with mine including helping out with disabled son. She is starting to mention maybe staying on past summer, that her boyfriend & her are "taking a break" & that he is too clingy. Well - of course he is - he sees her pic with new guy all over FB & anyone would try to grab on to what they feel they are losing. Interesting - she is nearly 25, B F is 21, new guy is 19. When I've asked about new guy - she says he is just a friend & too young fot her but excuse me - why else would a 19 year old guy be here every day.
So - I think my son has never really dealt with his issues from our divorce & is depressed as a result or the depression, lax attitude is possibly medically related.
And I think my daughter learned that it is ok to cheat. Just call it "taking a break"
I'd like to hear how you are coping with suddenly single parenting.
I'd like to hear how you believe the divorce has affected your kids.
