One giant leap forward! - Part 2

[sandi2]

Thank you for your email regarding Counselling.

I work as a person-centred Counsellor with individuals and couples. This approach isn't really solution based. In solution based Counselling goals are set and the Counsellor has some control and direction in how the sessions are structured. The way that I use Counselling is to offer a place which is accepting and understanding to you both so you both feel able to explore your difficulties and talk openly to one another. You are in control of the sessions in terms of content and direction.

I do feel that I am able to offer support to couples in your position but I often recommend an initial session of Counselling where we can all meet and discuss this further to see if we are suitable to work together. There is no obligation to continue after this session but it can often help in your decision about whether I am the right Counsellor for you.

I don't think it's worth a pinch of salt. What good is paying some third person to be there as you & W talk to each other? You two don't need to be in "control", but rather have a professional who knows how to guide you.

[sandi2]

Boundaries are my black and white with no grey?

Well, that is how I think of my boundaries. If there is any grey shades, then call it something else, but not boundaries.

[T1000]

I think I understand boundaries a bit better now.

Is it something people would list or just mentally now where they are?

[PatientMan]

I think I understand boundaries a bit better now.

Is it something people would list or just mentally now where they are?

List for yourself if that helps you adhere to them.

-PM

[sandi2]

This is quoted:

"In the simplest sense, a boundary is a property line. It denotes the beginning and the end of something. In the physical world, boundaries are often easy to see - fences, walls, signs, hedges, or sometimes only a slightly different appearance of the lawn. All this signs indicate the borderline of someone's property. Within these boundaries, the owner is fully responsible for the property, while others are not."

"In the mental, emotional, and spiritual world, boundaries - although less easy to see - are just as real as in the physical world. They define our person, who we are and who we are not. We are the owners of everything inside these boundaries. We are free to do with it as we choose but we are also fully responsible for it.

Yes, we can share a lot with other people, but we are the only ones who really experience what is going on in our own heart. We are the only ones who can protect it from bad influences, we are the only ones who can nurture it with good things. God has entrusted us with a life for which we will later be held responsible. But how can we do that, if we don't understand what our boundaries are? That is why we need to learn from the Word of God, where our property begins and where it ends.

I have seen many people struggle with life, just because they do not take responsibility for their own life and expect others to step in instead. They blame others for what happens to them and even for what they do themselves. And at the same time they spend a lot of time and energy on other people for whom they feel responsible. It is no wonder that everyday life is difficult and painful for them. God told us to have self-control, not other-control. We are responsible for our life, not for the life of others."

"Boundaries do not only help us avoid pain or irresponsibility. They are also important for guarding and nurturing the soul that God entrusted us. They are like fences with a gate. You can control what comes in and what goes out. This is very important, because within us are many things that are very damaging to us. These are the things that must leave our property and we need the ability to let them go so that they cannot poison us anymore. If we find pain or sin within us we need to open up and communicate our innermost to God, so that he can heal and forgive us. But we must keep the gate shut closely when evil is present or if sin wants to enter our life in order to protect the good that is inside.

On the other hand, we need to be able to let our guards down when the danger is gone and open up for the good things outside. Other people may have good things to give to us as well and we need to open up to them.

So boundaries are not walls but they are no open range either. If we want to grow, we need to control what goes in and what goes out. But if we lack boundaries, we allow many bad things to enter our life and good things to be destroyed by them. We will be tossed around by the waves created by the world around us and experience a lot of problems, fears, and helplessness in our struggle against sin.

If our boundaries become walls, if we close ourselves off, then we hold the bad and painful inside and keep the good out. People who have suffered from abuse have a tendency to do that and they need to learn to open up in the right way."

[labug]

T, understanding a bit about how your mind works from what you've said here, I think it's a good idea to write them out and post them somewhere to help you daily strengthen your resolve.

Here's the great thing, if you have good strong boundaries, you don't need very many.

I used your W in this from above: "W, if you continue to call me names, I will end the conversation" but that should be a boundary with everyone.

You could say I will walk away from disrespect and then list what disrespect means for you.

Great question.

[sandi2]

Here is a quote regarding the importance of boundaries in marriage:

"Boundaries become particularly important in marriage, the closest of all human relationships. Love, freedom, responsibility, and protection are the cornerstones of a stable and growing relationship between man and woman.

Something incredible happens, when these ingredients work together. As love grows, spouses become more free from the things that enslave: self-centeredness, sinful patterns, past wounds, and other self-imposed limitations. As a result, they gain a greater sense of self-control and responsibility. Responsibility, again, increases love, and the cycle begins all over again. This is how marriage gets better and better as time goes on, instead of winding down after the excitement of the days of courtship changes into an everyday life together.

The key to all that is that both spouses take responsibility for their own issues instead of just reacting to the other, that they are not afraid of giving freedom to each other, and that they love the other person even when he or she does not deserve it at the time.

But where there is no freedom, there will be slavery and, as a result, rebellion. And where there is no responsibility there will be selfishness and bondage. And where we do not take ownership for what is ours, we will get stuck at a certain level in our relationship and will not be able to go deeper.

Blaming somebody else for our own behavior is a sign of great immaturity -- and I say this although I am painfully aware of the fact that I fall into that trap myself more often than I want to. On the surface, it seems that we can get rid of the responsibility for our actions by blaming somebody else. But in reality we're just denying ourselves the chance of getting help, because we don't want to admit to ourselves and others that we failed. By putting the blame on our spouse, we hurt the person we love and who would be most willing to help us. But how can you help somebody who is not willing to accept ownership of the problem that needs to be solved?

If, however, we discover who is really responsible for what, we have an opportunity for change. If we learn to answer the question ``Why do you ...?'' with a ``Because I ...'', we will find out a lot about ourselves and the problems that are ours.

That puts us in the driver's seat, because we will learn not just to react to our spouse, but to act lovingly no matter what our partner is doing. We may need to change some attitudes, behaviors, reactions, or choices - maybe even work on our feelings instead of having them control us.

We must actively participate in the resolution of whatever relational problem we might have, even if it is not our fault. Responsibility tells us that we are the ones who must work through our feelings. Our attitudes - not those of our spouse - cause us to feel distressed and helpless. How we behave and react is part of the problem. We allow ourselves to get pushed beyond certain limits and then become resentful. We are the ones who do not turn desires into accomplished goals or cannot let go of sick desires. And we - and only we - are the ones who have to initiate the change in us. Responsibility empowers us to experience growth in our marriage. But if we refuse it and wait for the other to change first, we will never see any progress."


I don't usually quote that much information, but I hope both pages will help you have a clear picture about boundaries in your life.

[T1000]

@ labug,

Thanks, that helps, I will try and list some up. It helps to get examples.

@ Sandi,

Thanks. A lot to chew on there. I will have to read through it a few times to get it all.


Theres more to all this than I would have thought.

[sandi2]

I hope you can recognize yoursellf.....and your wife, as you read the information on boundaries. Yes, it is a lot to digest, and I just copies a little part of it.

[T1000]

Yes I do recognize parts of myself and parts of W in a lot of it.