Blindsided

[chl0901]

Journal: I'm feeling a lot better (thank goodness) and am back at work today. Last night was pretty good, H ended up initiating and we ML which was a nice surprise since it's been less than a week since the last time (1x a week is the avg. since BD). However, I am still thinking about H and OW a lot of the time and it's causing some stress and mild anxiety. I do not know what to do to get them out of my head. I am not snooping, and have not mentioned one word about them to my H (doesn't know I know still). I haven't and really don't want to tell anyone outside of here, because it's embarrassing and I don't want any judgement about leaving H when I want to work it out - I don't think that will help me any. It helps some to vent on here, but these feelings of anger and jealousy are really hurting me. I don't know what else to do to try and not focus on them so much. Part of me still wants to yell and scream at H but I know that will just do harm and send him running into OW's waiting arms. Ugh...

On the other hand, I've decided on another 180 (more like a 90 for me). I've been thinking back to years ago when H and I were dating and how I was then. I have always been an optimistic and bubbly person and everyone (coworkers, friends, etc) used to comment on how happy and friendly I was. I still consider myself to be optimistic and pretty friendly (I'm no negative Nancy), but life has happened and I've become a little more cynical over the years and I would like to have some of that positivity back that I used to exude. So, I will try to go out of my way to be extra nice and happy and smiley to everyone I encounter (without coming off as fake). Maybe that will help my PMA and also get me back somewhat to what I used to be like.