Quote: I AM becoming my ole self again. It felt good, and people were drawn to that. That's how I want to continue each day....and want H to see me that way....not the ole "tenative Mooka" I had become the last several months in the LIMBO-LAND with H. Maybe that's a silver lining in this S, that I am gaining strength in who I am again....and getting clearer on what I want out of life.
I feel this way too, Mooka. And it sure shows in your posts that you're regaining your confidence!
People will be drawn to someone who's shining like you are these days. Keep up the great work... with you and with your H!
Just gettin caught up on your thread after a few days..
Quote: H asked if I had plans on SAT. I said "not so far and that might work out fine."
I know its not natural yet to casually put him off when he calls you on a THURSDAY for saturday plans..but as you see him start to pursue you MORE..you'll get better at simply saying.."Yes I do have plans on saturday, but thanks for asking..."..or better yet..."Well actually, I've got a few offers for saturday, and I'm not sure what I've decided on yet..Ok if I get back to you tomorrow?..."..Then he begins to realize that he is now in CONTENTION for weekend time with you..rather than assuming you'll make time for him...Once he gets the message that spending time with you is becoming more priviledge than a RIGHT of his..watch how he starts to call a little earlier in the week to make plans to.."see the dog"...
Quote: I had a VM from H both on my cell and at home...but still he did not ask me to call.
NEVER call him back unless he asks you to..he's beginning to pursue you now because you're consistent with doing the things that work..Acting HAPPY, avoiding R talk, not badgering him about what he's been up to, not being so ACCESSIBLE..letting him INITIATE calls..letting him WONDER what it is you're up to when you don't seem to have the time for him as much as when YOU were doing all the PURSUING way back when...
Stay consistent with giving the subtle indication that this seperation that he was convinced he needed to "UNSTICK" himself, is actually doing "wonders" for you too...Thats not the way he drew it up, which is of course why he is all of a sudden contacting you more and wanting to set time aside for you...Far cry from his first stance when he set the groundwork before leaving wouldn't you say??
Hope things go well today when he comes for a visit..
Did not see H at all Sat. He left a few messages, that's all.
Sunday: son slept in, I took a long walk, went to church (always helps my PMA, and helps see beyond my navel...) H called on his way here, asked if he could bring anything. He got here and we had small talk...about the dog, kids, weather...y'know stuff friends talk about. We ate breakfast, talked with son, NCAA, etc.
H asked if I wanted go go out to Starbucks and get a coffee. He was impressed with my new car...very practical, yet nice. WE got our coffees, joked around a little and sat outside in the sun. He started talking about US....he generally analyzed me and my strengths as a person, then his. He thought of me as a nuturer/fixer...caretaker (and said that's only one part of who I am...) He characterized himself as a "seeing-eye dog" I asked him to explain more. He thought of himself with me, the kids and people he works with as someone who guides and challenges people to do their personal best, an encourager...one who recognizes potentials. I agreed (much of that is true, at least for me and the kids). H went on to talk about his "ruts"....his busy days, good days, frustrating days, and sad days. He is changing one rut, that work will no longer rule his life. I said good for you....that sounds healthy. He said he is feeling a little more like himself each day, and that is all he wants....to be himself again, not to pretend to be anyone else.
I validated...and went onto tell him about my recent self discoveries. That a silver lining in this sep. is that I am beginning to peel off the layers of BS, excess stuff, I had allowed to bury the real "ME" and now am finding my core again. I said it feels good and others are drawn to me...I agreed...being more myself is the way to live. We seemed to communicate quite well for that hour. It was nice.
On the way home he caught me up on work dynamics, etc. It was pleasant.
When he first got home, H asked about getting together this WEd for dinner. I said, sure that would be fine. Then he said we could meet somewhere. THEN about a minute later, he said, well maybe that wouldn't be such a good idea, he gets in that day on the plane...could be late, has to leave early in the morning on another flight...might be preocupied. Might not be such a good idea. He said he'd call. I was confused...and just shook my head.
Then at home things got somewhat awkward when he was getting ready to go and son & I were packing the car to return him to college. He left kind of abruptly. I said "bye" and continued walking down the hall.
He called about 5 minutes later....said "that was awkward...leaving....he's got to work on that. I said, "yes with son around the dynamics are different and it was awkward." Then I said....I am confused about Wed...let's make a plan or not....I don't want to wonder until the hour before." He said he appreciated that, and said he really enjoyed out talk at Starbucks, and should probably wait until a better time, when he isn't between travels and possible preoccupied. I said that makes sense. We agreed we'd find another time for coffee or dinner. He said he'd call later in the week...but he has lots of travel in the next 2 weeks. He knows I have some coming up too....so in my mind it could be 3-4 weeks....OH WELLL.....I'm dropping the rope again.
He wanted s and I to have a safe drive, to be careful in the rainstorm. (of course he never offers to take son...and son doesn't ask him!)
Lots of things about H's behaviour still pi$$e$ me off. Then I see glimpses of the ole guy I fell head over heels for and want to ravage him on the spot. ...but that will have to wait till it's totally mutual. Heavy sigh.
I'm hanging tough. Wiley....will take your suggestions to heart. yes, I will be busy on the week-ends for a while...tho he may not ask. He needs to really pursue, you are right...I don't want to be too available.
Mooka, The rebound from good interactions with my H always kills me. I hate that. I hate that we have a good interaction, I want more, my brain goes into overdrive, "it's never going to happen" I end up crying.
Hope your interaction was a wonderful memory. At least your H opens up his heart some.
Hang in there.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Thanks for keeping up with my sitch Holdingon....it means a lot to me.
H called early this am to make sure I made it home safely from the long drive last night...in the pouring rain! I was pleasant, upbeat....filled him in with bits about S's conv with friend about frat life, etc. He enjoyed my insights. We also talked some about d, he's headed to Seattle for work and will have dinner with d tomorrow night..she's in college there.
I thanked him for calling and said to have a good trip.
That's all....but I know he at least still cares and worries some about me. That's a pos, I guess.
Quote: That's all....but I know he at least still cares and worries some about me. That's a pos, I guess.
Mooka
Umm..this sounds a bit wishy washy! I would see the fact that he called and checked on you and showed concern to be a definite positive and not an I guess positive.
Not picking on you, just seeing you do something that I do a lot of the time.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
I think you did a pretty well sunday, especially the hour you spent listen to him discuss the "seeing eye dog" theory and the rest...remember, let him believe whatever he wants to believe as far as why he thins he's too "stuck" to come home..
In my mind, the most important part of the conversation revolved around his suggestion to have dinner wednesday night. Because that was the opportunity to see WHO IS CONTROLLING THE PURSUIT GAME. Again, you won't really see him UNSTICK himself until he is convinced in his mind that he WANTS to be with you again. Trust me, men will find solutions to whatever we thought was unfixable in the R, when we don't really want to lose a woman we're ATTRACTED to. The first step is getting the ball rolling in the PURSUIT end of things..for instance..
Quote: When he first got home H asked about getting together for dinner this WED. I said sure that would be fine.
I probably would have said In a polite, upbeat manner.. "Oh shoot, that sounds like fun BUT I already have plans this wednesday night..OK if I look at my schedule and give you a ring sometime in the NEXT WEEK OR SO and we can maybe work something out??.." That sends him the message that he is NOT your sole PRIORITY, while HE CHOOSES to SEPERATE from you..you don't have to cancel out on him every time, just enough for the R-E-S-P-E-C-T for the R to establish itself once again and allow for the dynamics of the sitch to change in your favor..
Quote: Then I said.."I am confused about wednesday, lets make a plan or not...I don't want to wonder until the hour before.
No you don't want to wonder the hour before and you certainly don't WANT him thinking you're WONDERING about any plans at all, because that just keeps him right back up there on the pedestal he needs to COME DOWN from a little bit . Next time he schedules, then cancels, don't get flustered, just roll with it, SUGGEST that you just put it on the backburner for now...make no mention of wanting to reschedule...and the NEXT time he initiates something, make sure you are too busy to accept his PLAN 1, even if you aren't, and then accept his next date if you feel like it..
Other than that, you're doing a great job at avoiding bringing up the R and connecting with him when he starts talking about HIS ISSUES, and thats a good thing.
Then I see glimpses of the ole guy I fell head over heels for and want to ravage him on the spot. 
...but that will have to wait till it's totally mutual. Heavy sigh.
. Next time he schedules, then cancels, don't get flustered, just roll with it, SUGGEST that you just put it on the backburner for now...make no mention of wanting to reschedule...and the NEXT time he initiates something, make sure you are too busy to accept his PLAN 1, even if you aren't, and then accept his next date if you feel like it..