LBH on the Left Coast III: Return of the Lefty

[sandi2]

Thank you, sandi2. I always thought it was untrue, but then I reflected on the few confirmed cheaters I knew and realized that they haven't changed their spots. I want to believe in change and redemption, and it's nice to know most people here do too.

Any thoughts on how I should act & if I should say anything at the settlement hearing?

I have never had the experience (thank God)of a settlement hearing,so that's one reason I've hesitated in responding. I think I can see both sides of this situation. I can identify with being the one who wants to explain their actions. Call it a need for justification or fairness, I don't know. But I think I get you wanting the opportunity to just explain things to your W, so she won't have misunderstandings about your part of the settlement, and to know that you own your part of the breakdown, etc.

The other side is how your W may see this. She may prefer that the two lawyers do all the talking. If you began directing conversation at her....it may embarrass her or make her very angry. I just don't think it will be received with the same emotion that you give it. The time & place may seem to be most appropriate to you....but it may not feel that way at all to her (as crazy as it may seem to you).

I know you have a very strong need to tell her these things on your heart. If you are forced to leave this M, you want to leave with her not thinking something worse than she did in the beginning of this process.

As I said before, I have the same needs with people who aren't even close to me. So, would I be too far out in left field if I thought the same about you? This is really what you are needing b/c you can't stand to think of ending things with you looking like the bad guy. You just want to "explain".

Let me ask you....why do you have to say it at the hearing? Is it b/c you would be face to face with her? Could you not wait until it is over and maybe put it in an email or letter? Give it a couple of days to cool down, so her emotions won't be wound as tightly. Speaking from the other side of the fence, I don't think she will be receptive of anything you try to say to her the day of the hearing. "Timing" is everything!