I think the hardest part of standing is when you feel alone. As hard as it was not seeing my W in the house, lying next to me in our bed, after work, before work, I still had my kids with me (since she left home). My kids were 14, 12 and 10 when she left. Friends would say that I should fill my time now so I'm ready when the kids were out of the house. I chose to spend as much time with my kids as I could. My D moved in with her mom not quite two years after she left. She wasn't upset with me; she just missed her mom. I couldn't blame her. I miss her mother. That was when everything started to really go downhill. My kids, who typically got As and Bs, even after their mother left, although it was much harder after she left, saw their grades drop. There is a lot more but I have trouble sharing extremely personal stuff at times. I'm a big believer in scripture and believe in Proverbs 22:6, "Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it."
I'm not saying they will not do things that goes against the way they are raised, even leaving their faith (because I believe kids rely on their parents faith until they start questioning and then will come back in due time) but I do believe they will come back to what they learned as children. I believe that of my W as well. At least to some extent. She became a believer as an adult, although she knew God, she didnt know John 3:16. She had trouble believing that it was that easy. I know it isn't easy. It isn't a word I would use. For me, believing is about faith but mine was after studying intensely, both biblical and secular histories. I am not trying to convince anyone who is reading this to believe. While I would love for everyone to believe, and I do believe that I should share it with people who are open to it, I have never been a person to force people to see things my way. In fact, I pray that people will see things His way. What I think doesn't matter.
Going back to my thoughts and what I was originally commenting on is that I now find myself spending most of my evenings alone. My D20 is away at college (even during the summer), my S18 is staying with his M for now. It is complicated but we are not estranged, i.e. S18 and myself. S16 is staying with me the majority of the time and has recently been going over to his M on some weekends. And I am fine with that. Again, I would spend time with her if I could.
And for those that wonder about how I act about my W around my kids, I do very well. In fact, W is probably figuring I am over her. I have considered being more bold which isn't the DB way. I do admit that I follow CharlyneCares pretty close. I have a deep respect for both Michele and the Steinkamps'. But my ultimate faith is in God. I don't believe that I can control the situation at all. In the nearly seven years since she left, I have only focused on my kids. And I don't regret that even when I find myself "alone." Could I get involved in outside activities? Probably. I did buy another motorcycle (I had bought one a couple of months after my W left and learned to ride only to sell it about six months later because my Ws behavior at the time made me concerned that if I lost my life riding, the kids would not have a strong influence in their lives) and have been enjoying it but I don't belong to any groups at this time. I don't feel like I can make a committment to something else until S16 is on his own or at least less dependent on me.
Like I said, even when I feel really lonely, I have no regret that I put my kids first. So many people told me I would regret that I didn't "build" a life outside of my kids once they were on their own. I disagree. I would have regretted that I didn't spend more time with my children while I had the chance. Outside of my faith (and when my W was with me), nothing else is more important. I thank God He gave me my children so regretting how I spent my time would not make sense to me.
Still, I am lonely when S16 is gone.
Standing, as it is called, is not easy. It is very challenging at times. I'm not alone. I know He is with me. And He is the only one I trust. It is up to Him to restore my marriage. It isn't up to me except that I wait and be still.
Praying for everyone facing the same or similar challenges.
MMF, It's time to create a new thread. I think my posting brings your total postings to 112.
Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
