Getting back on the horse gracefully....

[Valeska19]

@ Wonka - The horse may not be bucking.. but might have stalled.

I have mixed feelings about her honestly. We get along and communicate great via the phone and hanging out... but man.. texting with her is awful. It's hard to have any kind of conversation with her... and really connect.

I'm sure it doesn't help my friend that my X is in contact with me.. about once a week. Out of the 3+ months of us talking.. I've initiated contact maybe 2 or 3 times.. in over a dozen times. I don't want to jinx myself but I'd say she's moving towards me.

I did however text my x last week as it was her sobriety birthday. She was impressed that I remembered and I asked her the 2 questions we always used to ask during our actual birthdays. It started a pretty amazing conversation which lasted a couple of hours.

Through our conversation about growth.. I told her I was hiking half dome in Yosemite. A 16.5mi difficult hike that ended with using cables to hike up the "dome" which has over a 45 degree incline. It was intense. It was amazing.

On my way back to LA.. I had a ton of texts waiting for me (no service for 3 days!). None from my new friend.. but sure enough - there was one from my x.

This is the 3rd time something important or super fun was happening in my life and she txts to say have fun or good luck.

What's hard for me.. is that's what I do to show love to people I care about. So I feel super loved when she does that... which in turn makes me super scared.

And then like an idiot I compare her to my new friend and ask myself if things like that are so important to me.. why am I friends with someone who doesn't seem to invest in me the way I want??

It's obnoxious.

I had quite a bit of an emotional time in Yosemite leading up to the hike. First - my x and I make quite the camping team. To see my friends do stuff that was different (not wrong) upset me...

.. and then my friend made fun of me because I say "crik" for creek.. and man that just triggered me. I didn't lash out, but I distanced myself and fought my victim mindset very hard for 2 days.

My friend says that all my struggles was caused from bringing my x back into my life. That she still controls me... and that even those she isn't meaning to hurt me, by not making a commitment to me.. she is taking advantage of me. Reaching out when she feels safe enough or depressed or whatever. My x has yet to reach out to me when she is feeling crappy but I get my friend's point. Maybe she is right.

I can't really seem to bring myself to a place where I can cut X out of my life..

... but I can't really seem to get over the fear and just live with X in my life in it's current form.

I'm at a sucky stalemate... with a HUGE urge to just do SOMETHING that moves me forward.

I want it to be the right move. I'm just tired of being patient waiting for the answer to what that move is.