I was doing pretty well at detaching and at not showing emotions to H before this whole conversation. In fact, I was getting my emotions pretty well under control at all times, but now I'm an emotional wreck again.
The thought that something as simple as where we live could be a major factor in how and whether things work out between us has really thrown me. I couldn't help but be overly emotional in front of him last night and I'm really struggling to keep it together today. The affection he showed to me didn't help things, especially the good night kiss, as that made me break down again.
My dad has been saying repeatedly that he's going to have to sell and downsize, that he can't afford the cost of living in a big city. Maybe I should have a discussion with him to see how serious he is about that and would he be really upset if S13 and I got our own place here instead of moving wherever he goes. I know he wants to move to a smaller town as property prices and related taxes are lower there (he's on pension income only). I could say I don't want S13's schooling and his extra-curricular activities disrupted by moving to another town - completely avoid the fact the my marriage may depend on that happening obviously. The big worry is could I afford rent on top of everything else, especially if things don't work out with H.
And just when I was starting to get my emotions back under control, H texted a little while ago simply saying "remember we're not done yet" although he left off the additional comment he made last night "but we're getting closer". I haven't responded to that one yet. Not sure what to make of it. Is he pushing for me to make a decision about moving out? Is he trying to see how I'll react?
I know, stop trying to mind read!!
Both 50 S14 M 16 yrs (his 3rd; my 1st)
ILYBINILWY - 24 Dec 2012 H moved out - 27 Jun 2013 Legally separated - 6 Sep 2013 Closing the door and changing the locks
And just when I was starting to get my emotions back under control, H texted a little while ago simply saying "remember we're not done yet" although he left off the additional comment he made last night "but we're getting closer". I haven't responded to that one yet. Not sure what to make of it. Is he pushing for me to make a decision about moving out? Is he trying to see how I'll react?
I know, stop trying to mind read!!
I haven't read your entire sitch, but this caught my attention. My W also said that she "was working her back to me". I think they are in internal conflict and they want to keep the safety net of the marriage while they explore other options. I'm not sure what to do about it, other than not read too much into it.
If they are in an internal conflict and really are exploring other options and keeping us as a safety net then at what point do we have to stand up for ourselves and say I won't be a safety net? I want to be wanted, loved without question, appreciated for what I do. We just have to work on ourselfs and hope they want the marriage to work at some point down the line on their timeline? I know we all have a say in whether your willing to take someone back but I feel like I'm giving away all power and waiting for my W to decide my fate. Hope that's not too negative but I feel I have taken a turn toward down cycling today after starting out so good. Dang it!
M:33 W:32 Married:8 Together:10 S:5,4 and 8 months BD: 4/1/13 W move out day: 5/4/13 ILYBNINWY,WAS. No talk of wanting to save relationship
Not Q, What does your H mean by "we're not done yet?" Has he explained that?
The first time he said it (and that wasn't last night) I asked exactly what he meant by the statement. He said he's still willing to work on the marriage, but that he still needs time/space, and that he doesn't want to walk away from the marriage yet.
I'm giving him time and space, although a lot of people I know think I'm being stupid for putting up with him now. He has good days and bad days in terms of communicating with me. We can go days with no contact then all of sudden he's texting me frequently. Same thing goes with asking me to meet up with him - nothing for days, then its two or three days in a row. Sometimes I see the old H, more like the man I married, and sometime (although it's getting less often now) he's the new man, nothing like the man I married. It's like the fog lifts for a while then drops again, although its seems to lift more often and for longer.
Today's been a bad day for me, right from the moment I got up. His affection last night, the conversation about my dad, and combine that with the fact that S13 is away for 2 weeks at sleep-away camp - I'm really feeling the separation today. And I've definitely been the weepy, emotional wife no on would want to be with.
Both 50 S14 M 16 yrs (his 3rd; my 1st)
ILYBINILWY - 24 Dec 2012 H moved out - 27 Jun 2013 Legally separated - 6 Sep 2013 Closing the door and changing the locks
Well as hard as it all is at least he says he wants to work on the marriage. I'm actually jealous. Wish my W said that to me. Giving space is so hard but that's what I've rededicated myself to giving her. And not allowing her to text me as she pleases. Have you been able to GAL? Using this time to do something for yoursf you've been wanting to do for awhile?
M:33 W:32 Married:8 Together:10 S:5,4 and 8 months BD: 4/1/13 W move out day: 5/4/13 ILYBNINWY,WAS. No talk of wanting to save relationship
Not Q, What does your H mean by "we're not done yet?" Has he explained that?
The first time he said it (and that wasn't last night) I asked exactly what he meant by the statement. He said he's still willing to work on the marriage, but that he still needs time/space, and that he doesn't want to walk away from the marriage yet.
I'm giving him time and space, although a lot of people I know think I'm being stupid for putting up with him now. He has good days and bad days in terms of communicating with me. We can go days with no contact then all of sudden he's texting me frequently. Same thing goes with asking me to meet up with him - nothing for days, then its two or three days in a row. Sometimes I see the old H, more like the man I married, and sometime (although it's getting less often now) he's the new man, nothing like the man I married. It's like the fog lifts for a while then drops again, although its seems to lift more often and for longer.
NQ, I feel like I am somewhat in the same situation as you are. My H and I had a trial separation for a couple of weeks while he stayed at his brother's house. Then he moved back in, and we are back to being in that 'limbo' again of not knowing if we are working on things or separating. It's so hard isn't it? My H is struggling with the fact that he doesn't want to split the family up, but he isn't sure whether he wants to work on the marriage or not.
'Time and space' seems to be the answer for now.. but it is so hard! Some days it is really hard to deal with how they are acting, especially when they are sending mixed signals. I feel the same way about my H, that he doesn't seem to be the same person I married, he seems to be a new person that I don't recognize. Every so often I also catch a glimpse of his old self, and it gives me hope. And sometimes we will communicate effortlessly, with no tension, and it feels like old times again. I think that is what is giving me hope.
Hope you are feeling better!
-Hwy61
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
Well as hard as it all is at least he says he wants to work on the marriage. I'm actually jealous. Wish my W said that to me. Giving space is so hard but that's what I've rededicated myself to giving her. And not allowing her to text me as she pleases. Have you been able to GAL? Using this time to do something for yoursf you've been wanting to do for awhile?
Saying it and meaning it are two different things. I'm trying to take it one day at a time. It took months for my H to actually say that. From BD until recently it wasn't said, so there's still chance for you. If and when H texts, I may read it right away but unless it's urgent I don't always answer it right away - just enough to keep him from saying that I'm ignoring him. I even changed the settings on my iPhone so that I don't get a message preview; just a notification of who the message is from.
No kidding that giving space is hard - it really does go against instinct. It's been really hard to simply say "good night" after being out with him instead giving him a kiss and/or hug - we were more affectionate than that when we first started dating. I've had to fight the urge to say "I love you" at the end of any phone call, to give him a hug or try to kiss him. He's actually started initiating small shows of affection again.
Trying to GAL. Never been much of one for socializer, always been more of a homebody, but I have managed to do a couple of "girls' nights" with the ladies from work. They don't happen very often since all the "girls" are married and have family commitments. I've also picked up an old hobby that I've neglected for several years. While S13 is away I've been planning the activities for the week I'm taking off work when he gets back from camp. Seriously considering cutting my hair back to similar style I wore when I first met my H - I grew it long as he likes long hair, but I think it's time I styled it to please me - short and easier to look after! Not sure I'm going to colour it again either - too expensive and it's not good for my hair. Thinking of going like Jamie Lee Curtis - short style, and greying gracefully.
Both 50 S14 M 16 yrs (his 3rd; my 1st)
ILYBINILWY - 24 Dec 2012 H moved out - 27 Jun 2013 Legally separated - 6 Sep 2013 Closing the door and changing the locks
