Still about the W

[Verum]

LindaM thanks.

I'm not sure how the MLC brain works. My W does acknowledge that she's not being a good mom right now, but she will not change her behavior or address it. Or sometimes she "pretends" that it is OK. Other times, I don't think she even realizes, and sometimes I do think she just forgets.

[Whiterose]

Hi SA

I think you and your wife shared a very intimate moment while cutting your hair....I think it's lovely.

I'm sorry about your daughters.....as a mom I can't understand, but I'm not in MLC so I don't understand it at all. My H is not a very good dad right now but he would tell you differently. He figures he messages and calls, at least S18 daily, he's being a good dad. S14 is not a texter, or phone kid, so they don't communicate more than 1-2 times a week. He's also convinced they'll be fine once dad is happy, he said that to me, so I think it's just a part of it all-unfortunately

Take care

[Verum]

WhiteRose, yes I did enjoy it (the haircut) in the moment. Unfortunately that good feeling doesn't last too long.

[Whiterose]

Moment by moment is what I'm told.....enjoy the time for what it was. My H barely looks at me when he does come by at the moment

Hope there are more good than bad times for you soon

[RosaLinda]

how are you doing today SA? trying to make your hair grow faster?

[Verum]

Ha Linda, that's actually relevant and funny because my W cut my hair much shorter than what I've been getting at the hairdresser!

Wed evening is my night out. I crew on a sailboat with 3 other guys and we race every Wed from 6 til about 7. Afterwards, we go to the club for drinks and socializing. We've formed a real comraderie and it is one of the few times during the week when I completely forget about my marriage issues. I think when we say GAL, it is the social-oriented activities that you engage in with other people that are the most valuable.

[Verum]

I had a DB coach session with Amanda yesterday, and I always find her insights and advice very helpful. Yesterday night, I already put one of her suggestions into practice and saw some results.

I had told her that I saw "diminishing returns" on many of the things I've been doing and also that I notice a pattern of W being more cold, distant during the day and then at night-time more intimate. For example, the evening she wouldn't hold my hand while we were out, but then at home in bed she'll cuddle up to me and we'd ML. Then in the morning, my W will be all business again. She suggested I break the pattern by withdrawing before my W does. I did this last night, and getting into bed my W asked if I had a good night. I told her yes. Then she said, "But?" and she repeated it. She felt that I was holding something back. I wasn't.

We'll see if being more variable and withdrawing first can break this pattern that we've fallen into.

[RosaLinda]

Withdrawing first sounds like a great idea. Snodderly and Cadet and uR and the other vets have been giving me similar advice. 

So I tried it. We went to our niece's birthday party this evening, then when we got home I went up to bed without saying one word to H, not even good night. Just like H often does to me. I hope it has some effect. Keep up the good work. Let us know how your planned early withdrawal works SA

[Verum]

I’m still processing this, but I found evidence that my wife had a 1-night stand with her surf instructor while I was on vacation with our 3 girls. My W left her phone lying around this afternoon, and I snooped. Easy enough to guess the password since she is constantly using the phone, even in front of me. Snooping on her phone, I found a 3 sentence message she sent via FB to a gay friend of hers that included “tuve una aventura” which I translate as “I had an affair.” And she said this was when she had a few days alone. She did surfing on the Thursday while we were gone, and we returned that weekend, so she only had a 48-hour window to have her affair.

If you have followed my sitch, I had put a boundary on my W texting other men just last week. It seems I was onto something, but missed the mark. Also, if you read my sitch, I have noticed that things have gone backwards or just in limbo. Well now this might explain why before the vacation she would hold my hand and then afterwards she would not. A PA, even a 1-night stand would change things.

I feel very disappointed.

I am applying the 48-hour rule and have said/done nothing yet. But I have already formulated a plan. I intend to tell her, “I know you had an affair with your surf instructor while I was away.” I am not going to ask since she’ll just deny it, this is why I will tell her as a fact that I know. I am also not going to tell her how I know. I am then going to tell her that she has to leave and move out.

I just cannot live with the lies and betrayals.

With all this said, I also intend to “keep the path home clear.” I will tell her that I will not tell anyone why I asked her to leave. This removes the public embarrassment as a possible obstacle in the future. I was thinking of telling her she could come back under certain conditions. I’m still not sure what all of those conditions will be. Clearly, not texting, seeing, or pursuing other men. Also a real apology in person. What else, I’m not sure. Any suggestions?

I realize that if she shows true regret and also if she wants the marriage to work and be a good one, then I am willing to forgive her.

I’ve thought a little bit about the difficulty of raising my girls mostly alone, especially until my W finds a suitable place so that she can share custody. I have also thought about the loneliness of being alone.

Like I said, I’m applying the 48-hour rule. This is how I feel now, not sure if it will change. Also, I am going to snoop again in these 48-hours to see if I can find more evidence such as a reply from this friend and maybe she’ll divulge some details.

I appreciate this forum since it is the only place where I’ve revealed the bad news I just discovered.

[RosaLinda]

Oh SA, this is rough news, I'm so sorry. I would translate "tuve una aventura" the same way. You must be in so much pain right now.

I remember that last week you told your W that she'd have to move out if she continued pursuing her male friends. And that was just text messages you were referring to, right? I think with MLCers, you have to be firm and enforce any boundaries you have set, just like you would with your daughters.

But I'm glad you decided to mull this over for 48 hours SA, to make sure this is truly a hill you are willing to die on.

After my H's 2 week affair in March, I had a tough decision to make. Everyone told me to kick his ass out, even his own mother and one of our sons. Part of me wanted to do that but part of me felt I'd come this far, lived with his MLC for so long already, that I wondered if it was worth it to throw it all away now. So I returned to this forum and started DB coaching with Chuck.

Chuck reiterated that each person has to decide what he or she can live with, but told me that "a MLCer is going to do what he's going to do" and that I have no control over his actions. He said that this is divorce busting, not affair busting. Cadet gave me a link to a thread named Doormat Tactics, and I copied the following bits of wisdom from that thread. I don't remember who wrote them, but they helped me to stand and to ignore H's PA and his upcoming PA in September. So far

"Until the MLC starts showing positive and real signs of coming back...boundaries and consequences hurt you and what you think you want more than they hurt them. You are pushing them and pressuring them to assuage your own desires, regarding them in a relationship role they have shown you that they currently do not want."

"Your goal is to outlast their MLC. Their confusion and their selfishness. You're not going to get them to stop, and if you try you usually hasten them along and further into their selfishness and tunnel. You demand from them, and they run away from your demands, ignore them or decide they are better off without you controlling them."

"You accept these bad behaviors with an eye on your prize, you came to Divorce Busting for a reason. It was to stop your divorce...it isn't called...say Affair Busting. So get used to the idea of getting used to bad behaviors."

But...everyone has to decide for himself what he is able to live with. What ever you decide to do, SA, I will be behind you 100%, as will the rest of your fellow suffers on here.