I just can't get you off of my mind

[RosaLinda]

Hi WhiteRose, I'm sorry you're here, but it's nice to meet you. I agree with you 100% when you said "The whole admiring a gay man that married a woman for insurance while creating upheaval in his life is absurd." Crazy huh!? But that's MLC for you! My H is considering divorcing me to marry a Russian Tramp he told me just wants to marry him to get a US work permit, and would in turn divorce him in a year. Huh?

What I think is scary about FY's W admiring her upheaval-causing co-worker is that she is admiring him for his ability to make and then carry out a plan that is, as you say, absurd. That anyone else would see as crazy. But right now she is thinking that she wishes she could be as brave as that man. Sees him as a hero, as FY says.  i do not think for one second that she'll act on this wish, but the possibility is scary to me. 

I hope your car shows up, and am happy you seem to be doing so well this early after BD. I was a wreck for months! And FY I agree GF doesn't seem to know much about your sitch. That seems odd but obviously true!

[ForeverYoung]

And FY I agree GF doesn't seem to know much about your sitch. That seems odd but obviously true!

As far as I know, W has not fully confided in anyone about our sitch. Partially because she's always been secretive with private affairs, (doesn't want others to see her dirty laundry... even clean for that matter!) and partially because she's sure (most) others will see her as the "bad guy" for wanting to leave wonderful me.

Even W admits I'm a good catch, just not for her anymore.

[reachingHigher]

Hi FY!

Afterwards W was very withdrawn. Went out the door with her new jogging shoes without a word.

Could be lots of things. But it could also be that W is afraid she is wrong about you!

I understand the fear about the Vegas trip. I was terrified about the New Orleans trip my H took and we got through it. The drinking boys asked H to go to Tahiti next! He said "no, guys, I can't do that!" Whew! So they may have settled on Las Vegas.

It sounds like you are doing so well validating with things you don't agree or understand. Obviously your W depends on you as an important friend and confidant in her life.

Regarding the will she be able to trust you ever again? There were some issues with me personally that my H went over the line with long before MLC and I was very angry about it. After some reading and heart-searching, IC, etc., I understand so much more and am able to forgive and accept.

It just takes some work and W is working on herself first. She just has to accept that she is a beautiful person before she can accept that you think that too!

You're doing a great job in a tough and loveless sitch!

rH

[Verum]

W also told me about a long time co-worker who made big life changes. Recently quit his job of 30 years, to move out of state and get married. She admires him for being able to make a plan and move on with it... says she needs to do that soon or she'll end up 65 years old and stuck where she is. Did I mention co-worker is a gay male, marrying a female for insurance and convenience? He's a big FB'er and W is looking forward to following his updates.

As usual, I validated and encouraged her to keep talking.

At some level, I would think your W understands or acknolwedges the problems with this? I notice that my W's GF who is a single, unemployeed alcoholic gives my wife YOLO type of advice, that my W tends to ignore. In fact, many of my W's friends have told her that she could go back to medical school. None of these friends seem to discuss the implications of leaving your family and children for so many years.

Anyway, I think my point is that I would think your W realizes how crazy this is, and while she says she admires him, she probably also sees that she couldn't do the same thing.

I do think this is where validating pays big dividends. Maybe she'll just forget?

[RosaLinda]

rH, thanks for sharing that you have many things to forgive and forget but are able to do exactly that. On TVS's thread you wrote "I'm a very weak emotional person and I've made it thus far! So anyone can do it, haha!" I know you are emotional and compassionate and lovely but never thought of you as weak. You seem so strong to me always.

FY's doing great, right rH? Truly an amazingly good catch FY your W will realize you are a great catch for her too soon, I am convinced!

[Whiterose]

Gay friend may need a reality check as well.....just sayin

Maybe a new hobby is the way to go instead of a divorce? If you're in a situation that you can do exciting things/trips maybe that would be "fun"? But, really depressions is not something you can just "fix" by doing stuff and changing lives.....I just wish all out spouses could "get it". I come from a loooong line of family members that struggle with depression and being we're Italian most of them have buried their heads in the sand which has made me very "you need to get help!" With people. Not always the best approach I know

I met with H sister today, for a pool date with the kids, talked very briefly and she said that when she commented that it was hardest on the kids he disagreed that it was equally as hard on the adults (me and him I'm guessing). I have a feeling he is VERY lonely and misses us. He is renting a room from a couple he works with and when he's in it, apparently, doesn't even have cell service, as he won't tell me, or even his sister, where exactly he's living im sure he's feeling alienated. She also made a odd comment....he told her he could easily come home but that nothing would change, which I'm guessing is me, and I told her that he's not ready and would only leave again. I'm guessing here

[ForeverYoung]

Thanks so much for the support and affirmations, my DB team! It really does help to keep me moving forward.

===============

For the record, like W, I too have no problem with her co-workers convenience M. Both partners know exactly what they're signing up for, and both will still live their lives the same as they would have as singles. Kinda like roommates, I reckon.

One thing's for sure... neither will end up heart broken on the DB board because the other has cheated on them!

Yes, W did give me a FB update on him already. He's being silly bragging about his new home/pool/life, and others are teasingly telling him to shut up already! W is laughing as she reads this to me. (I'm not a FB'er)

Ya gotta love the openness!

===============

Yesterday, W told me a story from the night before. As she was beginning to fall asleep, she thought she was seeing lightning. After a few more flashes, she realized it was a lightning bug in her room. Feeling very sleepy, she really didn't want to get up to "save" him, but also didn't want him to remain stuck in the house and die.

After a few moments he flew over and landed right next to her, making it easy for her to catch, and set him free outside. She said "I helped him, so maybe he'll help me."

I listened, (we're both bug savers, lol) and then told her "I'd say he already did."

[RosaLinda]

"I listened, (we're both bug savers, lol) and then told her "I'd say he already did."

i'd say YOU are the one saving her FY!

[uRworthy]

I'm a bug saver, too!

You know, Fy, I know I've said this before, but your wife confuses me. I cant quite figure her out.

I think she was quiet because you got along with her friend. She got to see that you were not what she is trying to make you in her mind and it is confusing to her.

I really think that she is a bit depressed, a bit restless, a bit feeling like life is passing her by. And so she feels like she should be taking steps.

But in reality, I dont think she ever really will. For a lot of reasons. I think she is content with her life. She gets to go out, she gets to live comfortably, she gets to have you as a friend and keep her life pretty much the way it is.

For someone who doesnt like people to know her business, that is important.

So, there is a good side to that. I dont think an OM is in her mind and a bad side, in that you stay in the friend zone.

I do believe she is working her way through the tunnel. I do believe that she knows deep down that you are a good guy and that she needs to address this whole thing about what happened with her brother.

At some point, and it is not now, you might have to start thinking about doing something different.

Until then, keep doing what you are doing.

Although I'd like to see you not quite as available to her as you seem to be, ya know?

[ForeverYoung]

I'm a bug saver, too!

Doesn't surprise me one bit!

You know, Fy, I know I've said this before, but your wife confuses me. I cant quite figure her out.

You say that like all the other MLC'ers are so easy to figure out!

I think she was quiet because you got along with her friend. She got to see that you were not what she is trying to make you in her mind and it is confusing to her.

What I found interesting is while the 3 of us were together, we all got on quite well, like good friends would. It wasn't until GF left that W decided to withdraw. Which is the act?

I really think that she is a bit depressed, a bit restless, a bit feeling like life is passing her by. And so she feels like she should be taking steps.

You got that right, and being stuck where she's at really seems to be bugging her!

But in reality, I dont think she ever really will. For a lot of reasons. I think she is content with her life. She gets to go out, she gets to live comfortably, she gets to have you as a friend and keep her life pretty much the way it is.

For someone who doesnt like people to know her business, that is important.

So, there is a good side to that. I dont think an OM is in her mind and a bad side, in that you stay in the friend zone.

You're emboldening me with these words.

I do believe she is working her way through the tunnel. I do believe that she knows deep down that you are a good guy and that she needs to address this whole thing about what happened with her brother.

While of course I don't really know, the brother thing hardly seems on her radar right now... maybe never will be?

At some point, and it is not now, you might have to start thinking about doing something different.

Until then, keep doing what you are doing.

Although I'd like to see you not quite as available to her as you seem to be, ya know?

Thanks Coach!