you gtave me the old jolt of recognition. i'm telling you- this business of me deciding not to decide - and freedom to not know a damn thing- has given me a true "break" from the nighttime miseries.
i wake up lately- lay in bed and just say to myself think in the day- sleep in the nite- something like that.
it's that fruity book i piekce up with the nice artwork i was going to chop up- but read here and there.
it says look at yourself in the mirror - and then say out loud- it reinforces it) that you are done allowing yourself to accept grief - or soemthing like that- I'LL LOOK IT UP and tell you exactly.
anyway- it says about nite time- just say whatever it is-
somehow it seems to be working a bit for me.
a little bit- but i'll take it.
i am my wors enemy too- looking back- now i realize probably anytime i was thinking he was "wierd" he was doing what he shouldn't be and is a lousy lousy liar and hider of it.
his only boon was tht i was an ever lousier detective. well, too trusting. me- shooting fish in a barrel. t a da
anyway- we are alike in that. imaginations run wild. tough nuts for them- they asked for this.
i am trying to back off when it's onlyhurting me. i'm tryin to go thru days not talkign about it- not thinking about it.
it doesn't fix anything- but it stops me from feeling bad alllllllll the time and rubbing salt in my own wound.
I can see why he do esn't think or talk - it's easier on self.
give it a try if you can-
nitetime is my bad time too- and just when i wake up- think what a $hit life at moment- then force me out of bed.
i think of my mom and her poor marbles and make me appreciate my own sanity and other stuff-
i even asked h if he dances around and jiggle3s his ( uh hem - you know what) onto the screen and they jiggle what they got at each other on skype- he didn't answer. what a pair of jacka$$es - probably do. oh honey- loook wht momma got for youuuuuuuu.......
he had the decency to laugh- i am serioyus tho. heknows it- it's soooo "silly" and childish- i know ith appens. it is dopey tho from the outside.
gptta go blow outta here and get the kids-
laugh & dance - de3al with reality later.
put on ole party rock and dance two or three- wore me out enough to not think all morning
