About a week ago I found out my husband has an affair with a lady of 75.My husband and I are 64 and have been married for 41 years.We have 2 children and 2 grandchildren. It is a long story but I really dont want to lose him and he was my friend as well as husband. This woman lives in America,we are in Europe but they met here last year when she visited and came to our house as a guest.She abused my hospitality.I am sure the pressure on him comes from her as she lost her husband this year and my husband helped her though his death via skype,late evenings when I had gone to bed. When I found out,through a stupid email to him from her, he told me he will never give her up but he doesnt want to lose me either. This person is now over here again on holiday and she seems to have thought my husband would move in with her when I found out.Not so. He still is at home with me and visits her once a week for a day / night visit. I think she must be really mad at him for this ,not that it is any comfort. I am trying to keep calm and pleasant and not to ask any questions . He seems quite exhausted and is always falling asleep on the sofa ! I bet he isnt allowed to do that when they are together. She planned to buy a flat here and leave USA and her children and grandchildren and friends to be here. She is now pressurising my husband to decide what he wants so she can go ahead with her plans.He told me he doesnt think it a good idea at her age to leave her home and country,and says he told her that,also asking her if she would be prepared to spend years in an old people's home here if she needed care. At least he seems to think ahead for her.I wish he would for us as wel
Hi Pippa, I am sorry you find yourself here. I imagine it is quite shocking after all these years of marriage, but we talk to clients at all stages of their lifes' as infidelity, etc. happens at all stages of marriage. It doesn't sound like your husband is planning on leaving, but he might want his cake and eat it too. It is great that you are staying calm and pleasant, but it is also important to be doing and saying things that are more likely to get him to recommit to you and walk away from her. Please consider talking to a DB coach to get very specific direction on what is going to be your best plan for a positive outcome for you and your husband. You will find the support, direction and insight you get from your coach to be extremely valuable. Take good care.
Karen, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 karen@divorcebusting.com
Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
Hi pippa, I'm sorry that you are in this sitch. This is a good place to be. It is hard when your posts are delayed due to being on moderation, so keep posting your thoughts and journal on here and you will be off of moderation before long. Best of luck to you!
Me: 27 H: 27 Together: 11, M: 3 S 2 BD: 06/24/13 Living together H: EA - unknown current status Read: DB, 5LL (slowly reading DR) Back and forth we go...
Yours is an interesting story....41 years of marriage is a huge accomplishment. Has your H ever had affairs prior to this or is this something new?
Originally Posted By: Pippa
he told me he will never give her up but he doesnt want to lose me either.
Yeah, I think we'd all like that deal. Are you willing to accept that?
My W pretty much had the same deal for the last year....it wasn't until I drew a line and said no more that she actually changed her tune. We're divorced now, but she wants to reconcile. Funny, our M seemed awesome this past year....except for the fact that she would not stop communicating with OM. And I wasn't willing to live in a M like that any longer. I signed up for a 2 person deal...not 3. You have to decide what you want, and then enforce it.
So what haven't you liked about your role in the M? What are some of your H's complaints? What would you like to work on to make yourself "the W only a fool would leave?"
Originally Posted By: forlovessake
Divorce Busting, Divorce Remedy, and Love Must be Tough all seem like must reads for you!
THanks for replies.It is good to be in touch with people who know about all this mess. At the moment it is a cake and eat it situation, I think husband hopes someone will decide for him ! I am really confused at the moment.This OW is living in a holiday apartment about 45 minutes drive from us but he still does not go to her,he has been home since last Saturday now.He will probably go again Friday-Saturday to visit .Would think if it was so real love he would want to be there with her all the time and to H*** with me ! I can only think she is mad at him too, with him being more at home than with her.She is rich so is used to having what she wants !
He is now able to talk in a normal tone of voice with me again, before it was very strained. He also hugs me sometimes and today he stroked my arm. Not sure what that is all about !
This is my third post, since the moderation takes so long,I am not getting any help here. I need help and advice faster than this so called help site will allow.I will look elsewhere
Hi Pippa, I am very sorry you have been hurt and betrayed by your husband of 41 years. Finding out that your spouse has cheated on you is very traumatic. You will be feeling all kinds of challenging emotions and that is very normal. Please be kind and gentle with yourself. The healing process can take awhile with lots of ups and downs, but eventually feels less intense. Many marriages (over half) have gone through infidelity and many couples are able to successfully work though it and stay together. Believe it or not, couples often feel they are closer and stronger having woked through it. There are several different normal stages spouses go through and Michelle's books can help you understand them and when to get professional help. Continue to use this forum to get your feelings out and get support. I commend you very much on trying to keep calm and being pleasant and not asking any questions. I'm sure this is not easy to do. It sounds like your husband is sharing his feelings with you a little bit and this is a good sign. He is conflicted but at least he is being somewhat honest about what he is feeling and why he is torn. Try to pay attention to what makes the conversations go better as well as what might make them worse. Try to remember that you and him share a lot of history and this "new" relationship he is having with the other woman can in no way compare to what you and your husband have. Everything is "perfect and heightened" in an affair and it is not reality. In due time, especially with this woman's recent loss and neediness, things between them will likely crumble. Try to stay strong and take good care of yourself both emotionally and physically. It is often helpful to contain discussions about the affair to limited period of times each day so that you are not making all your interactions with your husband so negative and blaming. It is also really tempting to "spy" on your partner. Do NOT do this. It will drive you crazy and probably drive him away. I know it's hard, but try to focus on presenting yourself in the best way possible to your husband. Your actions, positive or negative, will be noticed by your husband. So try to make them as positive as you can, in light of what has happened. I'm not saying to pretend you are not affected, but huge emotional, angry outbursts will complicate things. You need to get this out right now in a different way. Keep yourself active, exercise when you can, go for walks and talk out loud if that helps and do some other activities that you enjoy. It's okay (and good for you ) to have moments where you are enjoying yourself and feel some relief and happiness (healthy ones). Whenever possible, talk to your husband about the positive memories you have with him and the future you want to have with him. Hang in there!!
Sorry Pippa, but there's no quick fix here. If you want some concrete immediate advice and action plan, I recommend making an appointment with one of the DB coaches...I've had several and they are very helpful.
You can't change your H...he's going to have to work thru this on his own. What you can do is work on you, and enforce your own boundaries.
So back to my original questions:
Originally Posted By: Breakdown
So what haven't you liked about your role in the M? What are some of your H's complaints? What would you like to work on to make yourself "the W only a fool would leave?"
And how about the reading? Have you started working thru the books yet?
