I am titanium

[Raine]

I never called him or contacted him. I felt like I was spinning back and forth on what to do, because I made a decision and a demand in the heat of the moment. It wasn't that the decision was wrong, it's that it was never thought out. It was a reaction. I had about 3 hours to really think about things before he got home. I wasn't expecting him to even come home. He went in and had lunch with her, so why would he not just go out with the guys as he had planned too?

I had time to think about what I want in all this and go back to focusing on my original goals. Those goals do not include getting back together with him. They are about me being there for him at his darkest. Making sure that the kid's emotional well-being is cared for and that they are able to cope and be faithful their future marriage. And that the kids, H, and myself know that I did everything I could. I've never had my emotional well-being as a goal, but it has to be now. I cannot keep hanging on at the detriment of my well-being.

He came home super early, hugs me and says, "can we talk?" We sent the kids away. I sat down, and S6 had asked H to send him something through a game, so H said "let me do this real quick" and I got up to fix the shutters, and H kind of jumped and said, no please stay there, this will just take a second. Then and he says:

I can't move out. I know that is really hard for you to have me here, but I can't do it. I can't handle it. I have to be here. I need this stability. I need to be here. I will do anything you need me to do. I can't deal with going through a divorce and division of assets. I just can't handle anything right now.

I can't remember at what point he said this, very early on, and may have even started the conversation with it:

I need to talk to you about me staying here, and after that I really need to talk to you about some things that happened with work today.

I was thinking, seriously? That was the weirdest, most inappropriate disconnect. Anyway, I was just letting him talk. I have never set boundaries with him before. He is asking for boundaries. If I set them, then we both know consequences. I wouldn't be that the divorce happened because I caught him and told him to leave in a parking lot. It didn't make me feel like I was back peddling from my knee jerk reaction. I felt like I was able to get things set properly, that should have been set when he moved back in. The difference is now I'm in a much better place. I hope this doesn't set me up for him thinking he can walk all over me. I feel like I've final set boundaries for me too, in a calm, rational manner.

Boundary setting was very specific. It took place in three separate conversations. The last conversation was him repeating back to me everything and me clarifying.

-No other women in any shape or form no contact no flirtation nothing. Absolutely no talking, texting, etc to any woman he has ever had even the slightest flirtation with. If they contact him, he can say he cannot talk to them, ever. (Right now it seems like he has just dropped them and completely ignoring them. Kind of shows what he really thinks of them, eh?)

-No lying. Complete honesty. No lying by omission. No loop holes. Complete transparency.

-He will never put anybody before me or the kids

-He has to have an appointment set with a counselor by July 31.

I told him that if he breaks any of them I will file for immediate divorce

He is scared of getting help. I said that I have set him up to fail otherwise. That they fill some need and until he knows why, he's not going to be able to let go of them. During this time he would talk specifically about OW1, like it was only her. I talked in terms of "them." He never admitted to others, but he did not try to say otherwise. I corrected him several times in ways that would be calling things what they are, such as

"No, you do not have a relationship with her. That is not a relationship. It is a situation."

I used the term F buddies, a lot. He finally said, "Please stop calling it that." I said "What do you want me to call it? I don't know what to call it, because that's what it is." He said, "Let's not call it anything. We don't have to have a name for it. I hate that you know all this stuff. I didn't want you to have to deal with all of this stuff."

He said he feels like we will just get to the point where everything is good we can either divorce or everything will be made right, I guess like some kind of fantasy where you wake up and everything is okay without any work being done one way or the other.

I told him that I miss being in a relationship. I can't continue to be in limbo. He said he understood. He says limbo is where he feels really safe and comfortable, but understands that's where it svcks for me, and not fair on me, but please can I just hold on longer.

He says he wishes that I could just date now. I told him that's absurd. I said it's disrespectful to my ideals of marriage. It's disrespectful to him. I told him that when we move on, that I need to completely detach from him in every possible way, that I cannot be his friend or be close to him at all. I said that my heart can only belong to one person, and it cannot be attached to him in anyway so I can fully give it to someone else.

I told him that it is crazy to me that he could do this, to not uphold his promises and commitments, that he could do this while married. He couldn't explain it. Couldn't talk about it. I could see a really messed up, massive disconnect there.

I did get quite a few questions answered and now I feel very comfortable saying or asking anything. I feel very in control and I don't feel worried that something I say will push things one way or another. It's finally fully out there on the table and being addressed. I did get absolute confirmation of roughly when things started. He can't remember things. He can't remember dates. He seemed to really be trying. He could remember what job he was at, and that's about as good as it got. I felt more secure than ever that this was not him our entire marriage.

I asked him about the disconnect feeling. He started talking about physical and emotional properties of it and how it's difficult to manage parts of it here, vs his apartment, and other things are easier. I said no, I'm not talking about how you cope with it, I'm talking about the presence of it. He said he still feels the disconnect really strongly. When asked in comparison to separation he said, probably as strong, but different now. He couldn't verbalize it. He feels it's different because of different environment and having to cope differently.

I told him I felt like that him leaving and going back in to have lunch with OW1 was choosing her over me and the kids. That I was upset and he left me to go be with her. He said it was not that at all. He would have done that no matter who it was. He said he couldn't just leave someone who he brought over to lunch, and had nothing to do with her. He said it was getting heated between us and he needed to step away because it was not going to get better.

He said new things are coming to light to him all the time. One thing he said he just realized this week was his deep seeded trust issues. He can remember at 14 having trust issues, but not related to any event. He doesn't know. He thinks maybe with his dad just not being there for him and tormenting him. He cannot handle other people making fun of him. I ask him if he felt I did that. He said not for a very long time. He said that there are times now when people start to, and I step in and stop it immediately. He has noticed that. He can make fun of himself, and him and I can have our back and forth banter, and that's okay. But he is worried that I am going to laugh at him in the end. He thinks that there must be some reason I am holding on to the marriage that I haven't left him yet, and that I'm going to leave him in the future, and I will be laughing at him when I do. The joke will be on him.

I told him I'm hanging on because something is wrong. I told him that I could understand that I may have just thought he absolutely adored me and loved me, that I was blind to how he really felt about me, but that does not answer why he has done everything else, why he has done such crazy things, the worst of which was abandoning the kids. I said I am holding on in hopes that you can get this fixed. I can't leave you in darkest period of your life.

After the first conversation, I left and went to dinner. He did not move from the couch the entire time until I got back.

Very interesting to note he never once apologized. He felt bad and felt sorry I was in this limbo state and that things were hard for me and my feelings. But there was no apologies. As to be expected, but very interesting to see that play out in reality and what that looks like. This was not a tail between his legs begging to come back, telling me he was wrong.

I feel very strong and in control right now. I feel I'm getting stronger and okay with the idea of not being with him. That I really can move on from all of this. There was no wavering on compromising on my part this time. I stated what I wanted, and as new things came to mind, I went back and included those as well. And if new things come to mind again, I will go to him and put those in place as well. I don't want to be his mom. I did not want to be the one who had to cut the ties, but as I told him, he has tried to in the past, and it's an addiction. I want to know how he can give it up when it's an addiction. That's why the counseling has to happen, even though he doesn't want it and it scares him.

[uRworthy]

Oh, Raine, you are amazing. I am so very proud of you. I know this was a difficult thing for you both.

I think you did wonderfully. You were clear, calm, strong.

It is very important to continue to be that way and to make sure that if boundaries are crossed, immediate action has to happen.

Good for you, my friend.

[RosaLinda]

"I feel very strong and in control right now. I feel I'm getting stronger and okay with the idea of not being with him. That I really can move on from all of this. There was no wavering on compromising on my part this time."

Yes you ARE very strong my friend. Very well done. I am so glad that you went home and thought things out, stayed calm, and laid out your boundaries. These are good boundaries, and he knows that you mean it and will file for divorce if he breaches them.

Thanks for asking about the disconnect. It's interesting that he feels it, but cannot really explain it yet. Maybe in time. Also interesting that he did not apologize, and thinks that you would be laughing at him if you were to leave him. He must have a really poor self image to think that.

Before I started DBing, I also told my H that I miss being in a relationship with him, that it is too hard to be in limbo. He also told me that he is comfortable there, that he cannot make a decision now, and would I please give him time. Thanks for sharing that your H said the same thing sort of. I thought my H might have been just playing me, using me to support him until he can get on his feet and bring his Tramp to the US, but since your H said the same thing, maybe it is just more MLC confusion.

You did great Raine. I hope my sitch never comes to this, but if it does, I hope I can carry it off with as much compassion, grace and dignity as you.

[job]

Raine,
You'll have to stand firm on the boundaries and if he does slip, you'll then have to move forward. It's not going to be easy for him and I hope I'm wrong, but it's going to be difficult for him to give up the women "f" buddies.

He might have said he was sorry you found out and that's because he got caught. Had he truly been remorseful and wanted to make things right, this man would be jumping through hoops to show you he wants to try to make things right. Time will tell as to whether his heart, soul and mind are in the mix to make things right.

You did great in stating what you expected. I'm very proud of you. I do hope that he will make his way back to you and soon.

[AJM]

The odd part to me is that he feels badly about you being in limbo. I think that's what he said, but not sure if it's that or that he got caught and needs to say something. Hmm..as usual, time will tell.

Glad you got some answers, but I suspect it's far from over at this point. Hang in there.

Peace,
AJ

[BrightFuture]

Raine, I’ve just read the updates for last couple of days. Wow, you did great! Good job on stating the boundaries. I hope you feel this strong from now on.

The odd part to me is that he feels badly about you being in limbo.

AJ, I think my H felt the same when he came to me 3 months ago to talk about the D. I could tell he was not comfortable and it looked like he was forcing himself to do it. I’m sure at that time his friends and our mutual friends were telling him that he could not continue to keep me in limbo. And this why he started talking about the D. But I could feel that deep down he was not ready for it. It proved to be the case, since he didn’t bring it again since that day.

[Whiterose]

Wow, that was an amazing......stay strong and I wish you all the best!😊

[Takevowsserious]

You did great Raine!

Keep taking it one day at a time. He knows exactly where you stand and what you expect.

Lets see what he does with that.

Keep on keepin on girl!

[Wonka]

Raine,

You hit him hard with the heavy iron skillet from that OVEN in your house!

Good job! Hold firm to those conditions you set for H and watch carefully if he'll adhere to them.

You've got this baby!!!

[AJM]

Raine, one other thought that came to mind. It might help to keep some perspective. I know for me, it was easy to spin and lose perspective. It's the only thing in my life I've had that issue with before or since. Go figure

My shot at perspective, regardless of what he thinks or feels.
1) you don't want to leave him when he's down or needs help. You feel you aren't that kind of person. I applaud that. I'm that way as well and recall feeling that same way for a long time. Still do. I don't hate my ex. I don't wish her ill will. I don't feel sorry for her any longer either though. There's a cutoff. There always is that ability and a time when you can't help somebody. You'll know your true limits as you get there. No worries there.
2) you told him, (and I paraphrase) "get help, or get out. Stop disrespecting me regardless of what you feel." I think that, in and of itself is incredibly powerful and very strong of you. I know it didn't feel great at the time. I know you feel you said it in anger. I disagree in the sense that this has been a long long time coming, for you to say.
3) He told you he can't handle it. He can't handle confrontation. He is, essentially, broken. As if that wasn't obvious before, but it helps.
4) you feel more in control with that knowledge. I'm quick to point out, you always have been. You just have more knowledge than before, but you have the same choices and you are the same person. Something to ponder for future situations, no?

You're awesome Raine. It's sad. But I think you did absolutely the right thing, and in a compassionate way. That's class and a level of integrity people wish they had, sister. No question.

Peace,
AJ