First things first- Its not going to go back to the way it was. This will not be quick.
I immediately put my "pro team" together. I called a therapist for MYSELF to get a appt as soon as possible. If you can find a therapist from a center that may have psych's on staff- just in case- even better.
DO NOT PUSH FOR MARRIAGE COUNSELING! If SHE suggests it find someone pro-marriage. A DB coach may be better for you to identify first steps.
Focus on being the best Dad in the world. Your kids will need it. Eat healthy and rest as much as possible - you will need to be healthy.
You will see some very similar situations on here. Mine included. look at them if poss because many have taken wrong directions and have learned from their mistakes. Perhaps you will be able gain some wisdom- before your faced with it.
You will also make friends here- They are more valuable then gold.
I will leave you with the very first piece of advice given to me when I joined......
"Your wife has given you a gift- the gift of time"
Be strong and keep posting- we will be watching
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
Thanks for all the advise. I know I'm in it for the long haul. My friends that I am with are very supportive of me. I am doing everything I can right now to really make sure my kids are having the time of there lives. It is hard, I've taken lots of pictures of them I know she would love, but I'm not about to send them to her unless she reaches out to me first. If she asks how they are, I'll send a couple, but otherwise I am keeping it to myself, at least til we get home.
I've decided the thing she has done that really bothers me is that she stopped wearing her wedding rings. Initially it was because her workouts were making them dig in to her hand, which she did develop a blister from it. She would initially take them off for her workout and put them back on after she was done. Then she just quit putting them back on and would leave them in her center console. I found them there and took them out, told her I didn't want them stolen out of her car. I took them inside and set them on the dresser, but a few days later I found she had just moved them to her jewelry box.
Is it normal in situations like this for her to continue to just be nice? What I mean by that is she calls periodically to check in while we are gone and she has left voice mails or just when talking to me she acts like she always has. To talk to her or listen in on the conversation you would never know anything was wrong. I'm not asking or wanting her to be mean or rude, just not sure how normal that is.
Even last night we talked and she shared her day and what she has been doing while we've been gone. Told her I still wasn't sure what day we are coming back and she said it didn't matter she was just catching up on work in the evenings so if we weren't there til Saturday it was fine, but if we were back Friday evening she "would love to see you guys"
I'm sure that is more directed at the kids, but I truly am praying that this week we've been gone has given her some space that she asked for and also maybe a bit of a reality check of what it's like all alone without me or the kids in the house.
My W was incredibly nice- We went on a vacation together, the night we came back was the first night of separate beds.
Ive learned in my sitch that she was so relieved after dropping the bomb that she was happy. The night I confirmed the affair she was actually laughing......again relief.
MY W would be the same for a week or two and then take a step. Out late- then a week - then out all night- then a week- then a schedule of nights she would be home.
MINE IS EXTREME AND IN NO WAY SHOULD YOU ASSUME THAT YOU WILL ENDURE THIS!
The toughest steps are not asking where they are and not confronting them when they take their steps.
Setting boundaries will be key and there are some great guidelines on doing that in this site.
Keep posting
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
Even though she has been nice, this afternoon she had her first appt with an individual counselor. I didn't ask anything about it. I called this evening to see if it was a good time for the kids to video chat because they were really wanting to talk to her. She seemed quiet and short with me. After the kids were done they gave phone back to me and I was filling her in on our travel plans for coming home. Told her I would text her when we left because she was very concerned about our drive down. She was very non chalant about it and said if I wanted to it was fine, if not she'd be at work all day so it wouldn't matter. Just didn't seem like herself.
I had asked her earlier in the day if she was ok on a text after her counciling because she texted me, but then all her responses were really short, one word responses. She said she was ok. I guess I need to take her at her word on that, maybe just tired, or maybe some things came out in counseling that bothered her. Or maybe she just hates me now....haha j/k
So I'm really hurting tonight. My friends that me and the kids have been staying with this week on vacation called my W. she talked to her about how things were going while we were gone and if she had time to think any more while we were gone. The W told her she went to counselor on her own and that the counselor said that she was glad she was also going to MC. Our friend asked if there was anything they could do or talk to me about and the W said she just wanted me to acknowledge that all she wants is a D. The friend talked to her for a while about how difficult it is emotionally, physically, financially, not just on each of us, but also the kids. She has been through it before.
W said she has thought of all those things, but doesn't think there is anything that can change her mind. She brought up a conversation from 6 months ago where she told me if I wanted to be married to her, certain things had to change. They didn't change, or at least not enough until after she told me she was done. Now she admits that the changes have taken place, but she doesn't feel I deserve any more chances because these are things we have talked about before.
Now I am set to drive 10-12 hours back home tomorrow to a person that doesn't want me there and has said she isn't leaving and she knows I'm not leaving the house. She also said she wished I would act 'normal' and happy and stuff. I am going to try very hard for that (I read the 37 rules).
My problem is that if I acknowledge or agree to a D, I think she would file Monday, where as the longer I keep her from filing, the longer I have to show her who I am now. She said to our friend that one of the two of us will be moving to the spare room in the basement. Well, it won't be me. I'm not disrupting my life more because of what SHE thinks she wants.
She also said that she won't do a separation because she feels by us being in separate rooms is good enough. Even though the separate rooms are only for sleeping. All the household stuff, kid interaction, finances, everything is still joint, so it isn't like she is going to get a taste of what it will really be like.
So my wife told me on Mothers Day she no longer wanted to be married. The entire story is in another post that never got updated.
So for the past few days she has decided that the current living arrangements are not working. I refused to give up the bedroom since she is the one that doesn't want to sleep with me, she has been sleeping on the couch. She wants us to basically separate, but has given me choices on how I think I want to do it. She thinks I could move in with my parents, which I could, she thinks either of us could go get an apartment, which we could, or what she is now leaning towards is taking turns at the house for 2 or 3 days at a time and the other one staying with friends or family when they are 'out'.
A lot of this stems from my youngest daughter the other night answering my middle daughter when she asked where mom was (because she has been gone A LOT the past couple months). My youngest said, "I think she is out looking for a new family because she doesn't love us anymore." Needless to say, I was heart broken when I heard that.
She doesn't want to get an apartment because she thinks it doesn't make financial sense right now with everything going on. Signing a lease, having to get furniture, etc. She gets upset when I say that the entire divorce doesn't make financial sense.
I don't think I should go to my parents because I'm not the one that wants to separate or divorce. My thoughts are that I tell her I'm not leaving and I'm not switching out every couple days either. She is the first to tell me to 'grow up' when we discuss the topic, well I think she needs to 'grow up' and either get an apartment or stay in the same house.
I want to do what is best for my kids though, am I putting my thoughts and feelings ahead of theirs? Really interested in others opinions.
Basically you're doing good by standing your ground as far as not leaving the bed. If financially possible, you should also refuse to leave your home. Taking turns in the home is absurd. Tell your W if she wants to leave then you're not going to stand in her way, but you are not leaving and you're not going to accept part-time access to the home. There are a few reasons to do this. 1- it's very inconvenient having to pick up and move. The WAS should suffer the inconvenience since they are the one that wants to break the M up. 2- if there are kids, they see the current house as their home. They do not want to be displaced. Whichever parent stays home gets an automatic advantage as the kids will be drawn to staying there. 3- it's a good opportunity for the LBS to show some strength, to demonstrate to the WAS that they are not going to roll over and let the WAS totally ransack their life.
Read Dobson's Love Must Be Tough, it offers some good pointers on "opening the cage door" to the WAS while still being firm with them.
