Not Q, I'm def no vet but thought I could offer some support. I totally understand your dilemma. Father vs husband. How do you choose? I know for my own sitch that I would choose my W in a second, granted she want committed to wanting the marriage to work. Your dad will always be your dad and I say that in a nice way. If you choose your dad and sisters are they going to give you what you need and would your husband stick around? Prob not. If you choose your H I bet that your family will understand even if it took some time. It's gotta be tough for a spouse to have to live with an in-law and if you are not getting any space then whoa it will cause problems. Just by reading your last post it seems your H is def interested in your marriage but not willing to live in that situation. Like he feels your not putting him and your marriage first? Just a question cause my W felt she didn't come first, though I swear she's the light of my life after the kids. But if she says she doesn't feel that then it's the truth at least to her or him.
What's your next step? Is your H willing to go to counseling? Have you talked about his commitment level if you got your own place together?
Good luck and stay strong! We are all here with you feeling the same things.
M:33 W:32 Married:8 Together:10 S:5,4 and 8 months BD: 4/1/13 W move out day: 5/4/13 ILYBNINWY,WAS. No talk of wanting to save relationship
The main thing making it insurmountable is finances. Debt settlement means bad credit rating. Income for both of us is low - not low enough for goverment support though - and rental properties in our area are rare and not cheap. H doesn't drive and works shifts to make things more interesting, so good public transit is a must. Also means we can't move out of area as the "cheaper to live" areas are not connected to this city by transit. And if things don't work out, the rent has to be something I can carry on my own.
Would it be wrong to suggest that maybe we try relocating to a lower cost area and both get new jobs (or I commute) in an attempt to reconcile? One of th things H talked about last night was that he was thinking of changing jobs, and I'm already looking for something that pays more.
There are other problems which I fully believe we can get past. But if he's not willing to work through things in our curent residential situation, can I be sure he'd be willing to try somewhere else.
I guess I just scared of being left to handle rent along with other expenses on my own, and not having my dad around for support because I've upset him by moving out and leaving him on his own when he's still grieving.
Both 50 S14 M 16 yrs (his 3rd; my 1st)
ILYBINILWY - 24 Dec 2012 H moved out - 27 Jun 2013 Legally separated - 6 Sep 2013 Closing the door and changing the locks
Not Q, I'm def no vet but thought I could offer some support. I totally understand your dilemma. Father vs husband. How do you choose? I know for my own sitch that I would choose my W in a second, granted she want committed to wanting the marriage to work. Your dad will always be your dad and I say that in a nice way. If you choose your dad and sisters are they going to give you what you need and would your husband stick around? Prob not. If you choose your H I bet that your family will understand even if it took some time. It's gotta be tough for a spouse to have to live with an in-law and if you are not getting any space then whoa it will cause problems. Just by reading your last post it seems your H is def interested in your marriage but not willing to live in that situation. Like he feels your not putting him and your marriage first? Just a question cause my W felt she didn't come first, though I swear she's the light of my life after the kids. But if she says she doesn't feel that then it's the truth at least to her or him.
What's your next step? Is your H willing to go to counseling? Have you talked about his commitment level if you got your own place together?
Good luck and stay strong! We are all here with you feeling the same things.
Thanks for the support Jax. Yes family would support me whatever my decision - they've already said that. Dad tries to not to interfere, and as far as I know he's not said anything to H.
Counselling - no - he's already said no to that. Bad experience after the military (PTSD counselling) and won't go back.
H and S13 are the most important things in my life - and I've told him that.
How do I go about asking if he is willing to commit if we had our own place. Isn't that pursuing?
Both 50 S14 M 16 yrs (his 3rd; my 1st)
ILYBINILWY - 24 Dec 2012 H moved out - 27 Jun 2013 Legally separated - 6 Sep 2013 Closing the door and changing the locks
You can't save anyone. You can't make your Dad's grief less, it's his to deal with. If you move, you can still offer support. If your father gets upset, he gets upset. You have no control over that.
It seems that you and your H need to continue talking about what your options are.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
As far as the debt goes and this is coming from expierence, have you concidered chapter 7 bankruptcy? I went through it 4 years ago a d it saved my marriage (for a while) as at least saved it from money being a cause. It was a very simple process and was able to still purchase cars when needed and a small emergency credit card. Just a thought if that's a big problem in your sitch.
I'm not sure that in this case it is pursuing if that's the huge issued here. Him knowing that your ok to move out from your dads for him and your son then I think it wouldn't hurt just to make sure he knows but you need the commitment and the other issues in the marriage are being addresed. Maybe ask a Vet that one.
M:33 W:32 Married:8 Together:10 S:5,4 and 8 months BD: 4/1/13 W move out day: 5/4/13 ILYBNINWY,WAS. No talk of wanting to save relationship
Labug, What do you think of that idea that my W is willing to move anywhere I may have to for my job? She would sell her salon and just up and move to let's say HI. She said "you know I'll support you in whatever you have to for your job". This is a women who wants to divorce me right? I guess I need to read the rule about not believing anything she says and 50% of what she does. Cause that sounds crazy that she would want to. But very nice of her too. Lol
M:33 W:32 Married:8 Together:10 S:5,4 and 8 months BD: 4/1/13 W move out day: 5/4/13 ILYBNINWY,WAS. No talk of wanting to save relationship
I don't know that he's serious but it deserves further talk about it.
NQ, is he still in communication with OW?
LABug, as he's already moved out I can't be sure to what extent, but yes he is. He says its only minimal - what that means only he knows. Last night he wasn't texting back and forth with anyone - he used to be doing that constantly. The one text/call he made was to the people he's living with to let them know he wasn't going to be home for dinner.
He frequently says he doesn't want to lose his son - he's already "lost" two as they want nothing to do with him. I think I believe that he wants to work on his marriage - that's based on what I know of both XW1 and XW2. He didn't make any attempt at reconciliation with either of them. With us, it's different. Although he's said about filing for divorce he hasn't, and it took 6 months before he moved out. He was the one that told me about OW - I never suspected anything. He said he told me because of guilt. He has frequently said he wants to work on us, that we're not over.
How much do I push to get a conversation going to follow up further with last night's talk. Do I tell him I'll do whatever it takes, including risking a rift with my family, which at this point I'm prepared to do. I'll find the money somewhere for rent if it comes to it, even if it means a 2nd job and/or filing bankruptcy insteead of just debt settlement.
Both 50 S14 M 16 yrs (his 3rd; my 1st)
ILYBINILWY - 24 Dec 2012 H moved out - 27 Jun 2013 Legally separated - 6 Sep 2013 Closing the door and changing the locks
