So things with w are practically back to the norm prior to her meltdown two weeks ago. She's spending more time with the boys and back to telling them she needs girl time, etc. S6 is really pressuring her to come home to stay at night. He brings it up every evening.
I'm doing terrible. I've started waking up at 4 am again with a knot in my stomach. I am just not able to detach at all. I think a lot of it is due to how normal she seems. I find her looking at me often. Getting in my space too much. Twice she has texted me and made comments about how my being nice to her must be an act. She invited me to ride with her to pick up the boys one evening. We're having company over for supper tonight. So many "normal" activities.
I feel as though I'm in constant prayer, pleading with God to fix this. I've got to find the strength to keep fighting. It's all I can do not to pursue. I want to chase her and show her what she means to me. This too shall pass.
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
So things with w are practically back to the norm prior to her meltdown two weeks ago. She's spending more time with the boys and back to telling them she needs girl time, etc. S6 is really pressuring her to come home to stay at night. He brings it up every evening.
Probably best for everyone if you can reassure him that all will be ok. Remember, he's looking to you for security right now. I know you can do this.
I'm doing terrible. I've started waking up at 4 am again with a knot in my stomach. I am just not able to detach at all. I think a lot of it is due to how normal she seems. I find her looking at me often. Getting in my space too much. Twice she has texted me and made comments about how my being nice to her must be an act. She invited me to ride with her to pick up the boys one evening. We're having company over for supper tonight. So many "normal" activities.
Mtn, I know it's tough, but you have to find a way to become content with the new normal. If you're struggling like mad everyday, you'll never make it. Look at some of the other sitches here where the spouse is mean and/or gone. Much better to be where you're at now, I'd say. Accept things as they are and figure out how to make the best of it... for you. Make some changes if you need to.
I feel as though I'm in constant prayer, pleading with God to fix this. I've got to find the strength to keep fighting. It's all I can do not to pursue. I want to chase her and show her what she means to me. This too shall pass.
Just remind yourself that chasing will not help. Your present course of being friends with wife and doing things as a family is best for now. She has to figure out she wants you and her family intact on her own. You have to get to a place where you really are content with things as they are, because as your W has told you, she can tell when you're not. Bust On, my March 2012 BD Buddy!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
I'm doing terrible. I've started waking up at 4 am again with a knot in my stomach. I am just not able to detach at all. I think a lot of it is due to how normal she seems. I find her looking at me often. Getting in my space too much. Twice she has texted me and made comments about how my being nice to her must be an act. She invited me to ride with her to pick up the boys one evening. We're having company over for supper tonight. So many "normal" activities.
Mtman, I am in the same place right now, and it's killing me too. I read this forum and realize that my sitch is better than many of the others here: My W is not mean or nasty, she is living at home, and for all outward appearances, everything is 'normal'. Yet I am anxiety ridden, unable to fully concentrate at work, and have an empty feeling inside.
I have a session scheduled with my DB coach for Friday and I'm going to ask her how to detach while still living a 'normal' life together?
The rational me says all I have to do is wait this out and let her sort through her internal strife. I know others on this forum say, "you're not waiting" you GAL and live your life. My problem is that I see and interact with my W every day. It is difficult to detach and not care about what she is doing and/or thinking.
So I don't have any advice for you, but just wanted to offer encouragement.
Thanks FY and SA. I'm trying real hard to keep hope. It's very hard to do so when you interact everyday. SA the db coaching really helped to set me on my path.
I spoke to my IC today and she encouraged me to tell w we could no longer act as a married couple. W needs to face the music, tell the boys and stop hanging out up her everyday, not sit together at church, etc. I told her that was not something I thought would help me reach my goal. Any thoughts?
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
Mtnman, I would hold off on the IC's advice for a few days to a week and maybe write out the two possible scenarios: (1) continue as-is or (2) stop acting like a married couple.
What do you want for yourself? Maybe limit W's time when she comes to the house? Does she drink or come drunk? Stop that with a boundary.
You have the two boys the entire time, which makes it difficult to GAL and have some time to yourself. Maybe an agreement where she has the boys 2 nights a week? Freeing you up for some 'me' time might help you detach.
Does she help with chores? cooking? and the other work associated with running a house and raising two kids? If not, then ask her to start contributing again.
I think if you stop acting like a Married Couple, then this might lead to a D. Are you ready for that? On the positive side, it might be enough of a shock to her that she can lose you and her family that she will react in a positive way.
I think it depends on what you want, and also on what you're willing to risk.
She is currently Ms Suzy Homemaker! Also, she is not and has not been drinking while here or before showing up. I think that's an additional part of my stress. This is the w I had! I'll take this one everyday of the week!!! Haha
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
It sounds to me like your biggest problem with her is just that she refuses to reconcile with you. Guess what, she can't do that right now.
In my estimation you can either apply pressure for her to R, which will likely drive her away because she is not ready... or decide that you can somehow make the pretend (for you) happy family thing work for a while longer. You know which plan your boys would prefer.
IC's advice is a Last Resort Technique in my opinion. Best saved until you're really sure you're done, and truly can't take the sitch any longer. The reason I say this is because there's no good way to take it back without losing credibility if it doesn't work like you had hoped it would. You're basically pulling an ultimatum on her.
"Commit to being my W or I'm cutting you off"
I can almost guarantee that's how W will see it.
What if she calls you on it? Then what? Are you ready for D?
I think you may want to make some changes that will help make things more comfortable for you to stand. SA offered some good idea's above, and I'm sure you could think of others.
Instead of "not act like married couple" maybe just pull back a wee bit... get yourself a little more space.
Tough stuff, I know. Hang in there Bro.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
I do not think that you are ready for your IC advice but you do need to get out of limbo. Your W will not get you out of limbo - you will get you out of limbo.
Read the power of now.
You can not predict the future but today your wife is at home, your kids are healthy and you have an intact family. Count your blessings and be happy. You never know what misfortunes the future may bring. Live in the present.
Also do you attend regular group self help meetings either Alanon or a divorce support group. These group meetings in addition to IC have really helped me especially expanding my network of friends and stopping worrying about what she is doing.
PS - I encourage anyone to go to Alanon even if their ex partner doesnt have a drinking problem, alanon welcomes everyone
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
