Jax, sorry I just reread my message to you and didn't mean for it to sound so blunt re: you should know her by now. It was more meant that most of us LBS shouldn't need to do the quiz but should know their other halfs enough to be able to answer for them, whether we chose to do the right love language or not. Apologies if it was taken wrong.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
Hotwheels, Def not taken the wrong way. That's the problem, I really can't answer for her. I just don't know for sure, I said quality time but that's just a guess. Ever since our first baby was born 5.5 years ago and got on antidepressants she just hasn't been the girl I met. She showed glimpses but it really affected her. I'd say she loves getting gifts as well. So maybe that's it, quality time and gifts. I'm just lost because I know I am a very good husband. My problem was being too nice and doing TOO much for her and she came to expect it instead of being thankful. A book called love must be tough told me that when you become an appeaser (which I feel I did because I always wanted to make sure she was happy) that person loses respect for you and that kills the love spark. Makes scence and sounds just like what my W was telling me. So for me to be different I most have to be mean. Lol. That's almost what I feel like I have to be. But I know I did things wrong and ill write more after I finish this workout. Ill get back to you but def didn't take your response and too blunt. I should know it.
M:33 W:32 Married:8 Together:10 S:5,4 and 8 months BD: 4/1/13 W move out day: 5/4/13 ILYBNINWY,WAS. No talk of wanting to save relationship
Hi JaxFL14, just caught up on your situation. I am so sorry you (and all of us) are going through this. It makes me sad that you and other men in here are saying that it may not have been good to be a nice guy. What I wouldn't give for a nice H (he's totally professional and not a "bad boy" by any stretch but he's just not "nice")! Mine is cold, uncaring, barely gave me gifts, cards (I can count them on one hand), won't take me on vacations (we have been on one our entire relationship), with the exception of some years generally is ok with us not having sex, he just won't show me love in the normal way that people do. Which makes me think ultimately he doesn't love me even if we work it out, that is our norm.
Anyway, I think it's tough with children and you really are doing the best you can with what your W has done. You can't push her anymore bc as per DB that is going to push her away even further. I hope that she realizes how important it is for her boys to have their father in their lives and not just on a part-time basis and hope she comes to realize how much she loves you as well. I can't believe she is doing this with a baby under 1. Seems incredibly difficult for no reason, but we can't mind read for our WASs. Until she wants to come out of the fog she believes she is doing the best thing for herself.
It may be good to not be living with your W now. I know for me when my H had an EA two years ago it was our physical separation (and my ultimate moving on) that made him miss me. I think sometimes being around the person is not that great bc they never miss you at all, and are often get annoyed and frustrated (I had to deal with a really really bad week last week where almost every day H was just plain annoyed with me no matter what I did or didn't do). Maybe you can try to see the benefits to this, but just have to be smart about when you do interact with her.
I will keep up with your situation and be hoping and praying for you and your family. Have a good day and a good week!
Me 35 H 34 DS- newborn 8/13 T 8.5 M 7 H's EA - 10/11 INILWY 5/13 DBing 6/13 Don't know WTF to do 1/14
Jax, I don't think you need to be mean, and I realize that's not what you meant. Appeasing others isn't being "nice" it's usually avoiding conflict which is really only nice for the person avoiding the conflict. And it's only nice for awhile because eventually those conflicts raise their ugly heads in a more damaging way.
And, here you are.
What are you doing to work on that aspect of you? Have you read Co-Dependent No More?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Labug, Your right. I avoided conflict and just tried to make everything ok and pushed aside when I was mad about something. Something I realized I did in reaction to how I saw my parents fight. Dad would say something and mom would take offense and not talk to him for up to a week. I just realized that a few weeks ago when I saw them do it again. So I'm def an appeaser due to the a ousting conflict and even my W years ago said she wants to fight things out and then move on. I bottled things up. As far as working on myself I'm going to IC, made a huge change in my body in the gym, reading books on raising boys seeing that I have 3, and connecting to God more. So I feel I'm doing the right things for myself and have to understand that my wife is on her on journey now and I can only fix myself not her. Hard to do sometimes. I have not read that book but will look into it. Thanks!
M:33 W:32 Married:8 Together:10 S:5,4 and 8 months BD: 4/1/13 W move out day: 5/4/13 ILYBNINWY,WAS. No talk of wanting to save relationship
Lost hope, Thanks for joining in and thanks for the support. Everyone is right, I am still pursuing and I will stop that NOW! I know she has to start missing me and wish she would. To me, 3 months gone feels like forever. And she even stated long ago that because we texted so much even when I was admit work that she never had the chance to miss me cause we were always in contact. We did WAY to much communicating through our phones and I know that was a problem and something I will change even in a new future relationship. Thanks for the support and the prayers.
M:33 W:32 Married:8 Together:10 S:5,4 and 8 months BD: 4/1/13 W move out day: 5/4/13 ILYBNINWY,WAS. No talk of wanting to save relationship
Well my IC confirmed what you all were saying. Still pursuing my W. so she challenged me to stop but also to ask the wife to stop texting me about non important issues right now. Such as her texts about missing the boys, or something funny they said. She said it intaginizes me to talk and not allowing myself to detach. She also said that she needs to stop asking me for help such as cutting wood for a project she did, fixing a leaking pipe at her salon that I installed or changing of an outlet at her new home. And of course my attempts at keeping or having a physical relationship. It's hard cause that's where you think that if I cut all of this contact out that she will like it and forget about me, but yes, I know, she can't have me and not have me, she can't use me like a husband when she needs me and me pursuing is NOT going to being her back. I understand and have actually found a little peace since that appt. my W can't know she has me when she needs me, can't know that if she wants sex then she got it, can't use me to fix her things but not want to be my W. So I WILL do this. One thing she did tell me to do was when I tell my W about refraining from non important texting because I need to make some personal decisions, she suggested that I tell her I'd like a "check in" on October first. I told her what the book says about not talking about the relationship unless my W does and she said she understands but as long as I can just ask, listen and then accept the answer without pleading my case then she thinks I should. Your still happy where you are? Ok and drop it and check back in in a few months. You'd like to give counseling a try? Ok and move on slowly. She said she feels I should do this because of my W's lack of any sort of action. She left cause she says she wants a divorce for reasons of " I'm just not in love anymore but your awesome" but it's been 4 months and she says she has no plans of actually filing. For reasons of money or laziness or maybe she's waiting till I give up hope to not hurt me more. Or is she in no hurry cause she's using my health insurance cause she has a few things she uses it a lot for. I don't know, I really hole she wouldn't be like that but at this point I don't know her. Anyway, I'm starting to ramble. So I ask what you think of the planned check-in on October first? That date will be 7 months since BD. 6 since she moved out. Fire away!!
M:33 W:32 Married:8 Together:10 S:5,4 and 8 months BD: 4/1/13 W move out day: 5/4/13 ILYBNINWY,WAS. No talk of wanting to save relationship
Yes, she really did. Told me that it's NOT ok that she be asking me to do the things she does like fixing things and texting me about the non important things. Said I won't be able to detach if she keeps on and it's not fair for her to ask me to do those things when she's telling me she wants a divorce. I'm not her Do boy anymore. Lol. I need to make appointment for regular because I easily backslide. It's a hard thing to say no to someone that you have spent 10 years saying yes to and wanting to make their life easier but it's making mine harder right now. I like how you said tempeture check. I have heard that on hear before. Makes scence. Glad to hear its an ok thing to do. It gives me a date to wait for instead of nothingness. That's what causes me to ask when I shouldn't. Now that I have a set date to get a temp check then I believe I can focus better on detaching from it all. Thanks!
M:33 W:32 Married:8 Together:10 S:5,4 and 8 months BD: 4/1/13 W move out day: 5/4/13 ILYBNINWY,WAS. No talk of wanting to save relationship
Some people will disagree that temp check is OK. You have to do what works for you.
How will you state your boundaries to your W and even tho your IC told you you should stop doing certain things, do you agree. Cause if you waver, you won't be able to keep those boundaries.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
