NERO here- don't let me float away anybody

[nero]

hey hi-

and yeah- nice aspect here the extra sleep (long long needed) and the feeling pleasantly floatie. it must be sheer lack of "pressure" of my mom being right around the corner and MY RESPONSIBILITY. IN life. that began a long long time ago when my dad died. i was too young back then to begin taking on her worries & happiness. oh well huh? 20-20 hindsight....

honestly- it's the strangest feeling sometimes to be here , back in my old life - and not really "planted" here. kind of thing.

we're not married- just lived together for past 38 or so years - it's a wierd one.

he's always had the ability to just "end it" legally with no ties and no mess. why he never has - does - who knows???

tsq opined that he's (my h) got alot "swirling around" inside his head- bad junk - old , unresolved junk. this guy and "his junk" - he's caused alot of pain for sure- that is "textbook" outcome btw - this business of handing the crappola left over - our bashed hearts - once (if ever) mlc recedes.

I'm gonna put that in the long long line of junk that may or may not ever have to be dealt with in life- i'm getting to be a pro at this- shoving alllllllllllllllllll of life's uncertinties that need "a plan" into a waiting list for "tomorrow" - if it ever comes.

idk honestly linda - i know about me and my assumptions. i make myself feel crazy- today i do anyway. but I just don't care much any more. it's almost like "the worst" has happened and i'm still standing (in general) so hey- there is only one thing left to happen- my h declares independence and totally has a coup - and overthrows me.

so then - instead of dreading it- i'll just be whining and cleaning up the mess. won't die (unless he actually does it)

funny thing about this mlc - the more and more i think i should - at my age - get serious - get moving - know answers - the less and less i actually care or feel pressured to "have a plan". i'm pretty ancient to be all "let tomorrow take care of tomorrow" don't you think??? but it feeels soooo much better than worry worry worry alllll the time. the worry & stewing was killing me.

on the other hand- allll the planning in the world never seemed to matter. my dad planned like mad for the day he'd retire and just fish and be at the shore. then he died when he was 47 = ka bam. one minute he's just going along and next he's got cancer and six months later he doesn't exist! so much for "the plan" in life. i don't know if it's a good attitude or bad one-

ya know (also) i forgot - i always had a theory about "life plans" based on watching my brother-in-law. he even had a career he loved and was good at. yacht broker! he made tons of money in the 70s - he was supposed to be x y or z by age whatever. THEN HE reached "the age" and it was not what he thought it should be- he was not wildly happy-

i always thought the danger of thinking you absolutely have to be something - or will absolutely feel something when you have something else (money- success- freedom) - is fatal. nothing is EVER what you think it's going to be. no good placing toooo much importance on some far off goal or possession. i was very wise back in the 70s when i figured that out. no body (men) EVER listens tho to me - about THAT.

I THINK IT'S the problem with retirement - everyone t hinks it's going to be immediate wonderfulness and, of course, it's not. you've got an entire life to replace - WITH WHAT????


for better or worse i am still immersed somehow in this old life - for a man of "words" - h is unable or unwilling to ever ever just plain ole talk about his feelings.

never has - maybe never will. he THINKS he's so clever- may shoot himself in the foot with his "coyness" in life. he honestly seems to think he is the one person alive who "gets to have it all" - whatever that is.

this girl is too tired and too uh hem "mature" .

HE USED TO SAY i was too hung up on "the relationship" notion rather than the people. wtf??? he was everything to me- i am not particularly unable to express myself about it all.

maybe it freaked him out- idk- it's who i am- loving, dedicated - WORDY!!!!HE PICKED ME... tho, i accepted him as is too -

now i think HE IS TOO HUNG UP ON ALL THE BS - "RETIREMENT" - nonstop fun, entertainment, etc. he's nuts of course - it is him furiously "having fun" and bashing poor old me aruond in the process.

idk if he'll regain sanity . i'd say your h too - he's chasing (what?) the fantasy - the dream?

it's true about people we all know who get divorced - marry THE MOST WONDERFUL NEW PERSON -end up divorced and wishing they hadn't thrown away what they have. his two good buddies from co9llege- one a dr that did it- now is divorced from 2nd wife - and an ad man who was on the "receiving end" and his wife left him for motorcycle man- now wants back, he swears no way- will be interestring to see.

wonder what he makes of that all???

oh well- i'm allover the place this morning - just ruminating butr need to go check in on dawn. she's a powerhouse lately of decision making and certainty.

i wish i had some-

xxoo hope your day is good- did you ask where in nj- around central- by new brunswick- get-to-a-ble from li! i used to get li public tv even.

we COULD hit the beach quite easily! ya know.

are you still heading to england? i think about it all the time- wonder if i'd ever just pick up and go myself- putt he fantqsy to rest or to practice...

xxoo

[RosaLinda]

Nero -- mine is the 111th post on this thread, your thread is going to get locked up soon I fear!

I did not know you two were not legally married, but after 38 years, geez, what is the difference? Except for the paper involved in a divorce, the permanent split would HURT exactly the same. Well it would be cheaper but that's the only difference I think.

I worry about your assumptions, probably because I have them too. Lots of them. I can convince myself that my H is in love with the Tramp and then convince myself that they are only using each other and back again several times in one day. I drive myself crazy. And don't know how to stop thinking about this sort of stuff. During the day it's not too bad, busy with GAL and working. But in bed alone every night I often cry and cry. Last night I couldn't sleep and was reading one of those cozy mysteries, light and fun, and the heroine's husband put his arms around her tenderly and I broke into a waterfall of feeling sorry for myself. I just miss my old H so much. I assume that every second he is in his room with his door shut (he usually only closes it during the day when he is on skype with her, I told him he cannot skype around me any more), I assume that he and the Tramp are telling each other how much they adore each other and having some kind of phone sex type conversation. Which is stupid as the other day he forgot to close the door and I could very clearly hear her giving him a Russian lesson. And he sounded frustrated and tense We are our own worst enemies sometimes!

Yes, I am going to England for 10 days in September. I would never have had the nerve to make a trip like this by myself if H was not going over to Russia to boink RT for a month. See... there are those assumptions again. I don't know if they ever had intercourse. But sure assume it!!! When are you coming back? And how is your H's aunt?

[nero]

oh man linda -

you gtave me the old jolt of recognition. i'm telling you- this business of me deciding not to decide - and freedom to not know a damn thing- has given me a true "break" from the nighttime miseries.

i wake up lately- lay in bed and just say to myself think in the day- sleep in the nite- something like that.

it's that fruity book i piekce up with the nice artwork i was going to chop up- but read here and there.

it says look at yourself in the mirror - and then say out loud- it reinforces it) that you are done allowing yourself to accept grief - or soemthing like that- I'LL LOOK IT UP and tell you exactly.

anyway- it says about nite time- just say whatever it is-

somehow it seems to be working a bit for me.

a little bit- but i'll take it.

i am my wors enemy too- looking back- now i realize probably anytime i was thinking he was "wierd" he was doing what he shouldn't be and is a lousy lousy liar and hider of it.

his only boon was tht i was an ever lousier detective. well, too trusting. me- shooting fish in a barrel. t a da

anyway- we are alike in that. imaginations run wild. tough nuts for them- they asked for this.

i am trying to back off when it's onlyhurting me. i'm tryin to go thru days not talkign about it- not thinking about it.

it doesn't fix anything- but it stops me from feeling bad alllllllll the time and rubbing salt in my own wound.

I can see why he do esn't think or talk - it's easier on self.

give it a try if you can-

nitetime is my bad time too- and just when i wake up- think what a $hit life at moment- then force me out of bed.

i think of my mom and her poor marbles and make me appreciate my own sanity and other stuff-

i even asked h if he dances around and jiggle3s his ( uh hem - you know what) onto the screen and they jiggle what they got at each other on skype- he didn't answer. what a pair of jacka$$es - probably do. oh honey- loook wht momma got for youuuuuuuu.......

he had the decency to laugh- i am serioyus tho. heknows it- it's soooo "silly" and childish- i know ith appens. it is dopey tho from the outside.

gptta go blow outta here and get the kids-

laugh & dance - de3al with reality later.

put on ole party rock and dance two or three- wore me out enough to not think all morning

xxoo

[job]

Nero,
I'm the 113th poster...time for a new thread.

How are you doing?

[RosaLinda]

OMG Nero the mental picture of them jiggling their "( uh hem - you know what)" at each other made me laugh and laugh. Like Anthony Weiner AKA Carlos Danger! Except the poor RT doesn't have much in the boob department to be jiggling

You wrote "he had the decency to laugh- i am serioyus tho. heknows it- it's soooo "silly" and childish- i know ith appens. it is dopey tho from the outside."

It seems ridiculous to me too, especially at our age. Back in my sherlock holmes snooping period I found a photo EA1 had sent my H of her squeezing one of her saggy naked 57 year old boobs. It seemed sort of pathetic and sad. And RT recently threatened that if he doesn't hurry up and divorce me, she's going to "find a new boyfriend." how ridiculous it seems to me that that homewrecking tramp calls MY H her boyfriend!

When are you coming home? And start a new thread!!!