Getting Back to Me

[Positivespin]

Yo rockstar..........


Our sitch's suck......there are many many much worse - take this as a opportunity to give to someone else- your soul will be richer for it


Keep a paper journal of your journey

[RealityTrip]

Hey Spin! Suck doesn't even begin to describe it!!! It's a Tsunami of Suck!

I do need to start journaling again. I need to get a new one. The old one has to much of the sitch in it. This one should be all about me and my recovery.

Last night I got a lot of work done on compiling the division of property and fincances.

SD, if your out there... I woke up think morning and spoke about the things I was grateful for out loud. My lil' dog who's the best companion, my friends and family, everything I have learned about myself and relationships over the past year and then I said I was grateful for the years I spent with my W... the chance to love and be loved. Came out of nowhere but I went with it. Then I was grateful that I had no idea where my life was going but I trusted that God did.

This morning I sent my SBXW (wow... first time I called her that) the spreadsheet to review and gave her some things we need to address by the end of the week. Our expired flood insurance, our tax payments to the IRS, and a few other things that are pressing.

I read the email to my younger sister AFTER I sent it. Good thing it was after since she might have tried to make me meaner! She said, "Well. You sure are being nice and cordial." Why are people around me starting to want me to go banshee on her? What does that get me? Nothing. She will still be in control over her own choices and a vengeful, difficult, bitchy RealityTrip would only justify her choice to leave the M for the A. Nope. Not gonna do it. Not gonna give them anything further to bond over like a crazy ex-wife. I'm smooth like butta'.

For the record, I'm still a wreck. Maybe I'm in shock? I don't know. Maybe it's auto-pilot that's going to get me through this.

[StubbornDyke]

And I'm grateful to know you.

Keep taking care of yourself. Keep doing what works for you. Yeah, you can be a wreck and still keep moving forward, still find things to be grateful for and to smile about.

You have a great support system. That says a lot about you.

(((((((RT))))))))

[Positivespin]

Yup shock

BUT you keep getting up and moving forward which is a testament to your strength.

NOW is a great time to create some short term (2weeks- 3 month) goals that you are 100% in sole control of the outcome. Your world will go in many different directions but you will be able to maintain a sense of sanity.

[JuneReN]

Shock is good, it always gets you through the crappiest parts.

Sounds like you have some awesome friends...but I knew you would

Love the LBS watch...lmao!

[RealityTrip]

Goals is probably a good idea. Today my goal is to get through today.

JOURNAL: I am feeling sad, desperate, confused, in pain. I know that I knew this was coming. That it was a real possibility. That it's my choice to no longer wait for her and allow limbo but it hurts so much. I think this is why some of us keep going back. To limbo. To the little piece of hope that we can have when we listen to their lies and our own denial. It stops the pain for a while. Then it causes pain.

She doesn't love me. Not right now. She hasn't for a long time. It's so hard for me to accept that but it's what her actions show. I have to figure out a way to push through this pain. I can't go back. I can't. It would be more of the same. Giving me hope, lying to me, telling me she loves me then telling her she loves her. I can't.

I miss her so much.

[labug]

It helps that you can name your feelings. Hopefully you're not trying to push them aside. The only way through them, is through them.

Take care of yourself.

[Positivespin]

Hey-

That is a beautifully written journal entry! BRAVO


I may live in a cave but I heard Willie Nelsons "How long is forever- this time" for the first time a short time ago

I Laughed.

Again, VERY nice work......no filler in that entry

[RealityTrip]

"Now is the time to do something extraordinary for yourself." That's what my little sister said to me this morning. I called her after having woken up again this morning and crying. My thoughts were of my SBXW. The way her hair felt, her skin, the feeling of hugging her and I just cried. I grabbed my lil' dog and just cried.

I find myself allowing hope to creep back in. I might google 'I left for my affair and it was a mistake' or 'how long for WAW to go back to marriage'. Stuff like that. The hope temporarily stops the flow of pain but then I rip off the bandaid and feel it all again. This was my choice. My choice not to stay in limbo any longer. She wanted me to. It would have been status quo. Me standing at home and her dating her lover knowing that I was waiting. Something had to change for me.

It's so hard to reconcile that I still love my wife and want my marriage but at the same time. I don't want to be married to this person. The one that lies to me. The one that sleeps with another woman. The one that isn't sure she wants to be with me.

It's a raging battle within myself. I know what is best for me. Hell, in terms of DB'ing, I know that real detachment, true time apart and each of us making ourselves whole would be the only way to possibly come back together anyway. So from all perspectives, truly moving on is in a sense standing for my M.

I'm afraid of my emotions though. I'm afraid of my depression. I have learned enough to know that there is a healthy, natural state of depression and then there is a depression that goes to far. I'm afraid of going too far. I have an appt with my IC on next Wed. She is not an advocate of medications. I like that. But sometimes it would be nice to turn off the feelings, even temporarily. But Bug is right. The only way through them is through them.

So I'm sitting with my sis's advice. "Now is the time to do something extraordinary for yourself." I just have to figure out what that is.

[RealityTrip]

VENT, VENT, VENT, VENT! Welcome to my rollercoaster. Nothing will snap you out of your depression momentarily like talking to a crazy person.

She's stalling. She won't take on the specifics of divorcing.

She wants me to know:

She is keeping her income (I say income... it's unemployment) in our joint acct. (I moved all of mine to a new private account)... I wonder if her broke, unemployed, AP know this? Yeah... they are shacked up together in the AP room that she lives in for FREE with her BFF for the past 18 months... well, my SBXW says it's not free... she get room and board for helping to take care of the woman's kids. My SBXW is now in that mooch room with her.

She is willing to continue splitting all of the utilities 50/50 even though she is not using them. ???WHAT???

She does not want me to send her all of her personal belongings that I packed. "Just leave them in the garage. I'll get them later." Can't tell me when... just later.

She won't tell me her new address to forward her mail. "I don't know it." huh? Really? You've been driving there behind my back for almost 2 years. It's in your GPS on your phone. Or you could turn to AP and ask her!

She wants me to stay in the house until the mortgage re-modify is done. Not to get my own apartment.

She needs 2 knee replacements that she has put off for years. I carry the health insurance. I told her that I would give her until December or May... whenever I had to reaffirm her as a dependant with the insurance company and then i would remove her. She has until then to get the surgeries. She wants to know if "hypthotically, I don't get the surgeries done by December you won't extend my health insurance?" ???WHAT???

Hmmmm.... this is all looking like status quo to me. Keep the W at home and live in a romance novel with AP. Come on!!!

I guess I just have to do this alone. That's it. I was dark except for trying to talk financials and house... she won't even do that. I'll do it all myself. I'm not dark... I'm a freaking black hole.

I'm going home and using this anger to cut the grass!!!