and yeah- nice aspect here the extra sleep (long long needed) and the feeling pleasantly floatie. it must be sheer lack of "pressure" of my mom being right around the corner and MY RESPONSIBILITY. IN life. that began a long long time ago when my dad died. i was too young back then to begin taking on her worries & happiness. oh well huh? 20-20 hindsight....
honestly- it's the strangest feeling sometimes to be here , back in my old life - and not really "planted" here. kind of thing.
we're not married- just lived together for past 38 or so years - it's a wierd one.
he's always had the ability to just "end it" legally with no ties and no mess. why he never has - does - who knows???
tsq opined that he's (my h) got alot "swirling around" inside his head- bad junk - old , unresolved junk. this guy and "his junk" - he's caused alot of pain for sure- that is "textbook" outcome btw - this business of handing the crappola left over - our bashed hearts - once (if ever) mlc recedes.
I'm gonna put that in the long long line of junk that may or may not ever have to be dealt with in life- i'm getting to be a pro at this- shoving alllllllllllllllllll of life's uncertinties that need "a plan" into a waiting list for "tomorrow" - if it ever comes.
idk honestly linda - i know about me and my assumptions. i make myself feel crazy- today i do anyway. but I just don't care much any more. it's almost like "the worst" has happened and i'm still standing (in general) so hey- there is only one thing left to happen- my h declares independence and totally has a coup - and overthrows me.
so then - instead of dreading it- i'll just be whining and cleaning up the mess. won't die (unless he actually does it)
funny thing about this mlc - the more and more i think i should - at my age - get serious - get moving - know answers - the less and less i actually care or feel pressured to "have a plan". i'm pretty ancient to be all "let tomorrow take care of tomorrow" don't you think??? but it feeels soooo much better than worry worry worry alllll the time. the worry & stewing was killing me.
on the other hand- allll the planning in the world never seemed to matter. my dad planned like mad for the day he'd retire and just fish and be at the shore. then he died when he was 47 = ka bam. one minute he's just going along and next he's got cancer and six months later he doesn't exist! so much for "the plan" in life. i don't know if it's a good attitude or bad one-
ya know (also) i forgot - i always had a theory about "life plans" based on watching my brother-in-law. he even had a career he loved and was good at. yacht broker! he made tons of money in the 70s - he was supposed to be x y or z by age whatever. THEN HE reached "the age" and it was not what he thought it should be- he was not wildly happy-
i always thought the danger of thinking you absolutely have to be something - or will absolutely feel something when you have something else (money- success- freedom) - is fatal. nothing is EVER what you think it's going to be. no good placing toooo much importance on some far off goal or possession. i was very wise back in the 70s when i figured that out. no body (men) EVER listens tho to me - about THAT.
I THINK IT'S the problem with retirement - everyone t hinks it's going to be immediate wonderfulness and, of course, it's not. you've got an entire life to replace - WITH WHAT????
for better or worse i am still immersed somehow in this old life - for a man of "words" - h is unable or unwilling to ever ever just plain ole talk about his feelings.
never has - maybe never will. he THINKS he's so clever- may shoot himself in the foot with his "coyness" in life. he honestly seems to think he is the one person alive who "gets to have it all" - whatever that is.
this girl is too tired and too uh hem "mature" .
HE USED TO SAY i was too hung up on "the relationship" notion rather than the people. wtf??? he was everything to me- i am not particularly unable to express myself about it all.
maybe it freaked him out- idk- it's who i am- loving, dedicated - WORDY!!!!HE PICKED ME... tho, i accepted him as is too -
now i think HE IS TOO HUNG UP ON ALL THE BS - "RETIREMENT" - nonstop fun, entertainment, etc. he's nuts of course - it is him furiously "having fun" and bashing poor old me aruond in the process.
idk if he'll regain sanity . i'd say your h too - he's chasing (what?) the fantasy - the dream?
it's true about people we all know who get divorced - marry THE MOST WONDERFUL NEW PERSON -end up divorced and wishing they hadn't thrown away what they have. his two good buddies from co9llege- one a dr that did it- now is divorced from 2nd wife - and an ad man who was on the "receiving end" and his wife left him for motorcycle man- now wants back, he swears no way- will be interestring to see.
wonder what he makes of that all???
oh well- i'm allover the place this morning - just ruminating butr need to go check in on dawn. she's a powerhouse lately of decision making and certainty.
i wish i had some-
xxoo hope your day is good- did you ask where in nj- around central- by new brunswick- get-to-a-ble from li! i used to get li public tv even.
we COULD hit the beach quite easily! ya know.
are you still heading to england? i think about it all the time- wonder if i'd ever just pick up and go myself- putt he fantqsy to rest or to practice...
