Falling Down 100....Getting Up 101

[Portia]

Thank you so much, Bright.

I would like to think that one day he will regret the way he treated me and for losing me. He turned his back on his biggest supporter.

But then, perhaps he will think that hooking up with a recently divorced woman with two young kids in two and a willingness to be the "wife" and very, very opposite of me was the best thing he ever did.

I will likely never know.

I do still catch myself being sad - for the loss of a person and a friendship that meant the world to me, for the pain and the realization that it will take a very long time to trust in that way again.

saw this on Linda's thread a while back and meant to bring it here (poor Linda's thread keeps getting threadjacked!) I thought it was very interesting.

Originally Posted By: snodderly
As for the number of mlcers that reconcile w/their spouses, there is no way to tell how many return to the relationships because we only see a small portion of the population posting here and those that reconcile usually do not come back to post much because they are too busy reconciling and moving on from this painful experience. I wouldn't worry too much about the numbers because anything can happen along the way.

Here's my take on this answer.

I believe that 100% of LBS's get to make the final decision in this matter in the end.

And if you are one of the ones that have not made that decision yet, well then it is not yet the end!

I used to believe this. I think what got me through those first terrible, terrible six months was the belief that MLC runs its course, that as long as he was still in contact, we had a chance, even if it was just a friendship. I no longer believe that is true. Not all of them come back or stay in touch. I think Snodderly is more correct with her caveat:

Cadet,
That is absolutely correct. Bottom line, the lbs will be the one to make the final decision as to whether he/she wants to reconcile w/the mlcer if and when the times comes that mlcer approaches the lbs about returning home.

In terms of reconciling, it only becomes the LBS' choice when OR IF the MLCer comes back. The choice that is 100% the LBS' choice is to live life and move forward or remain stuck. I choose forward, even if I feel like a snail - and not that turbo charged one in the new Pixar movie, either!

[RosaLinda]

You are breaking my heart here Portia. "In terms of reconciling, it only becomes the LBS' choice when OR IF the MLCer comes back. The choice that is 100% the LBS' choice is to live life and move forward or remain stuck. I choose forward, even if I feel like a snail - and not that turbo charged one in the new Pixar movie, either!"

But of course that's true. We can stand all we want, all we are able, but ultimately if the MLCers never decide to return to us, it's all in vain. Except...that we will have done so much work on ourselves that we are fabulous And ready for round 2 with someone else. Moving forward with our lives like a snail!

You my dear, are that sleek, elegant cat! When you are ready, you will be a fabulous catch. I still think your SO will come back to you, but you might not want him by then

[Verum]

Portia, the only thing you can do is go forward and get on with your life, whether he returns or not. Even if slowly, going forward is good.

Also, he may come back. One year sounds extremely long, but the more I read the more I realize that MLC lasts much, much longer.

[Portia]

Linda,

It is always good to "hear" from you! I posted on your thread, too. I hope that I didn't discourage you. I am actually quite positive about your situation. Mine own, not so much. It is a year from BD in a couple of days, eight months since I have seen him, it has been three and a half months since we've spoken, a little over two since our small, disappointing text exchange and almost three weeks since my small text to which he never replied.

Putting all those facts together and I don't need to be Sherlock Holmes to come to a conclusion.

But that is MY situation and not yours. Bea once said that MLCers are variations on the same theme. Agreed. Each is unique and each will act and react in different ways. Like your H, except for neglect, he was not the "spewing type". He said some awful things to me at the beginning but during our time of contact, he was not mean - indifferent - but not mean.

And yet, there are times when I just miss him - simple as that.

Sailing, thank you for stopping by! MLC does last a long time. In fact, the general thought is that BD comes towards the middle to end of MLC. I am not familiar with your sitch, but from your signature, it seems that your W has not left and isn't being mean. That is positive. As Linda once pointed out, if the MLCer is present in your life and you can share good moments, it makes a big difference as to whether there is hope of a new, improved relationship between the two of you.

In my case, all I can do is move forward however slowly and take care of family who needs me. I just wish all hell wouldn't break through at once!

[Portia]

Hello Everyone,

I have been taking a bit of a break from the Board. Other parent is still in hospital and between that and other commitments, there seems to be little time to relax.

Yesterday was one year from BD. A whole year. In some ways, that time has seemed to drag but in other ways, without a calendar to tell me its been a year, I would not guess it. I think the Mayans were onto something with their "end of the world" theory. My life as I knew it certainly ended - so many losses.

How am I a year later? Well, I learned that it takes more time than I ever suspected to get over the pain of losing someone in such a traumatic way. I still get that feeling of disbelief that a relationship that I felt was so strong was so easily thrown away.

Unfortunately for me, I never quite bought into the "alien fog"/"doesn't know what he is doing" aspect of MLC. I believe he does and did know what he was doing - he just did not care enough not to destroy me in the process. His leaving was not what bothers me the most - it was the way he did it. I do believe MLC exists and I do believe it is a struggle.

Even at the very beginning of this journey, I knew that I would be fine. What I want is to be better than fine. The only bit that I am not sure I have very much faith in is in meeting someone else that I can share my life with. That innocence is gone and so is my immediate trust.

But I am rebuilding my life as best I can.

If I have any advice for the newbies, it is this: Take your time on this journey of yours. The fading of the pain is gradual and will take time. If you need to read this Board 20 hours a day for a week - let yourself do it, learn what you can and then back away. The answer we all really want - will my spouse/partner come back? - is not here.

For all of the similar patterns in MLC and scripts that they follow, there is NO prediction of outcome. There are certain situations that may give you a better chance, but the true answer you seek needs a true crystal ball.

A year later, I have learned many lessons. Some of them necessary. But the price for those lessons was very, very high. And I am not yet at a point where I would say that it has been worth it.

My xSO has not been in touch for almost four months now, aside from one text exchange almost two months ago. I did try to text him but there was no response. He obviously wants his freedom from me. I am giving it to him, although sometimes I still feel like reaching out.

While I assume that he is still with the GF, I don't know. I don't even know if he has moved in with her, as he hinted at before. It feels strange that I know nothing of his life when not so long ago, I knew it intimately.

A year. Time really does fly!

[BrightFuture]

Hey Portia, I hope you parents are OK. It’s been 13 months from BD for me, and I also learnt that it takes time to recover from broken relationship. I’ve read somewhere that it takes one month for every year of M to recover. I guess I have about 4-5 months to go.

I’m also not a big believer in MLC fog, even though I’ve read lots of stories told by people who went through this, like Wonka. But I can tell that the MLCers only think about themselves. They don’t care if they hurt the people who are closest to them. In my case, H told me during the BD that he didn’t want to hurt me and I’ve heard from our mutual friends that he said the same words. IDK, maybe his MLC is not that severe, or maybe he is not in MLC at all, or he is just a different character trying to do the right things and look like he cares. Saying that he didn’t want to hurt me didn’t prevent him from starting the EA with that Mexican girl. Did he think that it would not hurt me? OK, to many "hurt" words in one paragraph...

It looks like you did the same thing I did – read this board for 20 hours a day. I also learnt that all sitches are different and there is no prediction of outcome for any of us. But, there is so much wisdom and experience.

I know that 4 months sounds long for you, but from outside it doesn’t look that bad. There are many stories out there with longer periods of no contact and reconciliation at the end. You don’t know if he needs his freedom from you. There might be multiple reasons for no contact. He might feel guilty, he might need more time to figure out what he wants, he might be scarred of his feelings, etc. If you feel that you want to reach out, maybe you should do it. Just don’t have any expectations.

Thinking of you, Portia. (((((hugs)))))

[RosaLinda]

You sound very resolved and strong today Portia, you are my hero! I so appreciate your advice to newbies, it's good advice for me too! You should repost it on the newcomer forum.

It must be so difficult for you to not even know what your SO is up to. I agree with Bright that 4 months is not that long in MLC-time, which is like no other time in the world! And that there is always always a chance at reconciliation but only if YOU want it. Cadet said once that it is our choice as the Stander (I do not want to use LBS anymore) whether we want them back or not if and when the time comes.

And it will take a long time, but you will be able to trust again some day. I hope that all of us will. I know I did trust my H again after a bit when he had his temporary reprieve from MLC this winter. I'm the sort of person who forgives and forgets easily, but bet it takes a lot longer this time.

[RosaLinda]

PS it's only 3 months from my BD #2. And have been married 38 years. I cannot figure out when I'll get over my H using your formula, about 3 years? I'm sorry that yesterday was your "anniversary" that svcks very very much.

[job]

Portia,
How are you doing? How is your parent doing?

It's hard to believe that it's been a year for you, i.e., time flies rather quickly for us. I have to say that you've gone by leaps and bounds and your advice is always spot on. I'm very happy to see that you are visiting other threads and posting advice/support to others.

I do hope that you are able to find some time for yourself and can enjoy a little bit of summer before it's gone.

[Portia]

Hello Bright, Snoddery and Linda (Love the new name!)

Thank you all for checking in on me, it means a great deal. I have snuck by everyone's threads, but lunch hour is almost over, so I will post later.

I am doing OK. Dad should be out of hospital today after two weeks. It was really hard visiting there. Not been a stellar yer for me, I am afraid.

But, I am still surviving and painfully moving forward and moving on.

Time seems to have this weird way of contracting and expanding. Thanks Linda and Bright for saying that you don't think four months is that long. Feels like forever to me! Bright, thank you for reminding me that there could be other reasons that he has not contacted me. I still sometimes feel like I was carelessly thrown away.

At this point with the way things are, I don't think I could contact him without hurting me. I don't even expect him to respond, but I would hurt all the same. And I cannot keep doing that to me. Call it pride or self-respect, I get sick every time I think all he is getting is a boost to his ego from my contact.

I find it so strange that I miss him but do not know if I would take him back at this point. Maybe I miss the memories and the "could have beens" more. We were a good couple. But the person he is NOW is someone who would have to do a lot of work for me to accept him back in my life. Such a sobering thought. Still a little unreal, too.

Thank you for the compliment, Snodderly. I never know if the advice I am giving is right/wrong but it is given with hope that sometimes just seeing a post from someone when you are having a rough day, helps.

I know it always helps me to feel better when others post to me.