I just went down the cheeseless tunnel with H....and now we have definately taken steps backward! God somebody hit me with a 2X4....actually H already did with his response to ME!
H and I had planned to see each other this morning....after his dentist appt and my staff mtg. We met here at the house. Chit chatted, covered financial logistics, he exercised, we talked more about extended family (keeping our sep from them for the time being).
Anyway....we were doing ok. Then H pressed me with any thoughts I have on my mind....he can tell when my brain is processing (I gotta work on that) I asked him how he was doing. He gave me a decent overview of work, city living, liking the diverse people he sees and talks to, etc. Said he wasn't sure if he was a city dweller long term, but was enjoying most of the city life, thus far. Can even walk to work on nice days. Said he was still sorting himself out....and feeling slightly better inside, tho had a long ways to go. Said he wanted lots of time and space and wanted me to have it too. (implying....leave me alone!!)
Then I said (this is where I blew it..) "So I', curious H, is there a reason you haven't told me your address in the city?" "The kids have both asked me....I feel awkward saying I don't know." He gave me a general street name. He got defensive, his voice raised...I said "Is it a trust issue? I don't plan on driving by or even coming into that part of the city." He really got hot, then. H says"What has this got to do with anything...I said I just want time and space...." I said "3 weeks ago you said you would give me the address....and so far you've been evasive." "This is more of the same....being evasive, keeping things from me....I guess after all the years of sharing everything...I have to learn to distant myself from you, too" "That's want you want, it's not in my nature, but I will try" "And you pushing me to tell you what's on my mind...gets me this reation....that's why I am trying so hard to keep this stuff inside.."
He said "Just speculate about yourself, not me" "This is why I need time and space and am giving it to you...nothing you can do about me...only take care of yourself." "This kind of interaction makes me want even more space from you....pulls me away, just when I'm starting to feel better about things."
Ok, blah, blah blah...a lttle more of the same....then I start apologizing....ok, "I know better than to try to figure you out, I can only control myself....I know that intellectually, and am working on that emotionally, but obviously am back-sliding right now." "It does us no good to go here....I wish I hadn't."
H gets up to leave, says "I hope that this was a learning moment for you...you can only work on yourself, as I can only work on myself." (you'd almost think he has read DR!) "This type of interaction does us NO good." I want time and space and will call you after you get back from AZ" (I'm going to help out my Mom Mar 18-22).
He left....we were both cool. (then I hav a big cry..haven't done that since he moved out....been strong)
As I am venting here, H called and said he didn't want to stay pissed off at me....that it wouldn't help either of us to move forward, and that's what we need to do. These types of interactions keep us stuck. I agreed, said I needed the time and space too, got lots to work on and explore in my life. H said "if we both progress in ourselves, and then come to together and find that it works, then wonderful.....or if not, we continue to go our own ways." (he said some version of that)
Well, we ended the phone conv on a better note....seemingly clearing the air. We talked about car purchase one more time....logistics....and then keep in touch with calls or emails.
Ok guys....go ahead and hammer on me!
Why is it so easy to regress, when in all appearances I am making headway. Why do I sabotage myself?!?
