Anytime. That is why we are here. Sounds like you are doing good; keeping busy.
Bad couple of days around here, for no reason. Have not talked to W much, probably part of the reason. D11 is sad, she misses her Mom and wonders why she moved. And this makes me sadder than anything.
Sometimes it helps to look at life at this point as like being at a carnival. The rollercoaster ride certainly is an attraction we don't want to go near, so you stroll thru the other parts, trying a little of that and a little of this until we stike upon the one ride or concession stand that really perks up our PMA.
Keep movin' about until you find something you really enjoy. For me, its usually the "Fried Dough" counter ...
The mission trip sounds like it could be a pretty carnival ride to take.
I just went down the cheeseless tunnel with H....and now we have definately taken steps backward! God somebody hit me with a 2X4....actually H already did with his response to ME!
H and I had planned to see each other this morning....after his dentist appt and my staff mtg. We met here at the house. Chit chatted, covered financial logistics, he exercised, we talked more about extended family (keeping our sep from them for the time being).
Anyway....we were doing ok. Then H pressed me with any thoughts I have on my mind....he can tell when my brain is processing (I gotta work on that) I asked him how he was doing. He gave me a decent overview of work, city living, liking the diverse people he sees and talks to, etc. Said he wasn't sure if he was a city dweller long term, but was enjoying most of the city life, thus far. Can even walk to work on nice days. Said he was still sorting himself out....and feeling slightly better inside, tho had a long ways to go. Said he wanted lots of time and space and wanted me to have it too. (implying....leave me alone!!)
Then I said (this is where I blew it..) "So I', curious H, is there a reason you haven't told me your address in the city?" "The kids have both asked me....I feel awkward saying I don't know." He gave me a general street name. He got defensive, his voice raised...I said "Is it a trust issue? I don't plan on driving by or even coming into that part of the city." He really got hot, then. H says"What has this got to do with anything...I said I just want time and space...." I said "3 weeks ago you said you would give me the address....and so far you've been evasive." "This is more of the same....being evasive, keeping things from me....I guess after all the years of sharing everything...I have to learn to distant myself from you, too" "That's want you want, it's not in my nature, but I will try" "And you pushing me to tell you what's on my mind...gets me this reation....that's why I am trying so hard to keep this stuff inside.."
He said "Just speculate about yourself, not me" "This is why I need time and space and am giving it to you...nothing you can do about me...only take care of yourself." "This kind of interaction makes me want even more space from you....pulls me away, just when I'm starting to feel better about things."
Ok, blah, blah blah...a lttle more of the same....then I start apologizing....ok, "I know better than to try to figure you out, I can only control myself....I know that intellectually, and am working on that emotionally, but obviously am back-sliding right now." "It does us no good to go here....I wish I hadn't."
H gets up to leave, says "I hope that this was a learning moment for you...you can only work on yourself, as I can only work on myself." (you'd almost think he has read DR!) "This type of interaction does us NO good." I want time and space and will call you after you get back from AZ" (I'm going to help out my Mom Mar 18-22).
He left....we were both cool. (then I hav a big cry..haven't done that since he moved out....been strong)
As I am venting here, H called and said he didn't want to stay pissed off at me....that it wouldn't help either of us to move forward, and that's what we need to do. These types of interactions keep us stuck. I agreed, said I needed the time and space too, got lots to work on and explore in my life. H said "if we both progress in ourselves, and then come to together and find that it works, then wonderful.....or if not, we continue to go our own ways." (he said some version of that)
Well, we ended the phone conv on a better note....seemingly clearing the air. We talked about car purchase one more time....logistics....and then keep in touch with calls or emails.
Ok guys....go ahead and hammer on me!
Why is it so easy to regress, when in all appearances I am making headway. Why do I sabotage myself?!?
OK, no hammer from me. I had a similar situation and a similar blow up. W got over it, evidently your H will too.
Also, for what it's worth, I didn't feel too bad about that particular backslide. I mean lets face it, if they ask what you are thinking, what did they expect? Also, I don't think it's unreasonable for a W to know the address of her H, especially if there are kids involved.
I think you handled it pretty well. I'd have gone off on his pompous a$$. Trying to lecture you! I'd have told him to screw himself. (Matter of fact, I think I did tell my W that a few times...not good and another story.)
He hopes you learned something??? Did he?
OK, sorry, I got off on a tangent. Just remember, if you fall off, you can usually get back on and they don't even notice because they aren't thinking right. Also, it's one thing to apologize for upsetting him, and to validate his feelings, but you don't have to apologize for doing something you think is reasonable, like asking for his address.
That's the difference between validating and being a doormat in my opinion.
Well, we all have these moments, and of course we always regret them, but you really can't blame yourself. I asked the same question and allthough the response I got was different, I could tell that it set me back, big time..because its pursuing and that violates their "freedom" . Its hard to have to feel like you're walking on egg shells, but thats what you have to do when R talk comes along. Your H clearly wants to call the shots or so it seems, he's allowed to ask questions about your feelings, but he's also allowed to get defensive when you ask a simple question about what his address is. So, the best way to handle that is to stay consistent with what I tell people OVER and OVER again. Just always act happy just the way things are, NO R talk, keep your feelings to yourself until he starts spilling his EVEN if he asks you first.., give him space and AGREE until you are blue in the face that this SPACE IS FOR THE BEST. Right now your H is under the impression its all about him UNSTICKING himself, which is fine, just happily go along with it, be supportive and see what happens.
Quote: I want time and space and will call you AFTER you get back from AZ.
Now, here's a little advice if you want to maybe see things get "unstuck" just a tad bit faster..Every once in awhile, don't be afraid to start telling HIM the same things you are hearing...AGREE, and take it one step further, tell him in a non chalant manner to not bother calling when you get back from AZ, You''ll CALL HIM..IF YOU NEED HIM FOR ANYTHING...
I can almost assure you you instantaneously change the dynamics when you give out a little "loving" dose of what you are being served... . When you have the courage to say that in a sincere way, it gives him something else to think about like.."She needs her space?? where did that come from, I didn't expect her to need HER space, I'M the one with the ISSUES..She's not supposed to be unsure about us??..I WONDER IF SHE REALLY MEANS IT...
Do you see how you CAN influnce things by simply LETTING GO?..
Thanks you for catching up with me. I am definately going to take your idea and ask him not to call me when I get back from AZ....that I'll call him if I need anything....
That is such a great idea.
Thanks for REALLY trying to help me out....you are a gem!
Just bumping up my own thread this morning. Guess I'm needing continued support from my BB buds!
Had great night's sleep, that starts the day out right. I have a very busy day and that's soooo good for me. I'm going to try to keep each day filled with a balance of work, exercise, friends, spiritual meditations, and fresh air (when the wind chill isn't so harsh!) Gotta keep moving in a forward direction.
You do just that, stay busy, stay positive,..be happy, confident, and energetic..and STICK WITH IT..
Then watch how somebody starts to pursue you a little more when he sees that you all of a sudden are not WAITING around for him to get.."unstuck"...LOL..
P.S...I find a glass of wine helps me sleep better at night...
HI Mooka..well I am not going to whack you..you already know you probably said some things that would have been better left unsaid..now you know..he seems to really need his space..let him be..and who cares about the address..heck I did not even know the street name until awhile back, and to this day (and I have spent 2 nights a week over at h apt. for the past month..) i still don't know the street number..and it is 4 blks away..so let that go..it is very hard..I know, but keep doing all the good stuff in yoour life, you sound like you have really been doing some neat stuff...you will be ok..
carnival ride to take.
. Its hard to have to feel like you're walking on egg shells, but thats what you have to do when R talk comes along. Your H clearly wants to call the shots or so it seems, he's allowed to ask questions about your feelings, but he's also allowed to get defensive when you ask a simple question about what his address is. So, the best way to handle that is to stay consistent with what I tell people OVER and OVER again. Just always act happy just the way things are, NO R talk, keep your feelings to yourself until he starts spilling his EVEN if he asks you first.., give him space and AGREE until you are blue in the face that this SPACE IS FOR THE BEST. Right now your H is under the impression its all about him UNSTICKING himself, which is fine, just happily go along with it, be supportive and see what happens. 
. When you have the courage to say that in a sincere way, it gives him something else to think about like.."She needs her space?? where did that come from, I didn't expect her to need HER space, I'M the one with the ISSUES..She's not supposed to be unsure about us??..I WONDER IF SHE REALLY MEANS IT... 
