i am not SURE 100%. HE DENIeS it - (he even says he had a "flirtation" and "nothing happened" - it's me that does not believe now. and no, i do not have proof he cheated all along. it is an assumption i'm making -
however much i trusted completely- now i'm the opposite. it's not by choice- my brain just "goes there".
now i think any minute he's not in my face - he's probably with someone else- crazy but true.
whatever he says now - i know he's a liar. i think it is entirely possible or even likely he may have cheated forever or before now .
i don't even know what i think of him as a person adn if i' d like to be in love with him if he crawled out of this mlc.
it would be interesting to see what i decided if i had all the power and he was pursuing me- and i was making a decision from the power seat - instead of the reverse. who knows- perhaps one day i'll be there & find out?
thing is- maybe i was in love with who i thought he was- and how do i know now if he was or was not ever that man?
i keep hoping something will bonk me on the head. we did have alot of great years - i know we had the connection- i am awaiting wisdom (or another lover that takes me away from all this).
the rest - i don't know about. i can't even think that far ahead - i am here becasue i have no where else really swell to be. i do hope he gets normal again- i don't know if he will. i don't know who he will be if he does- and then i'll see what i feel for that guy (if i'm still around.
a heck of alot of ifs - huh???
i am on "float" truly- im' open to anything- but not particularly banking on anything or even assuming anything will come of this. he may be gone forever.
we have some kind of a "tie" - i think - somehow it holds us both still -
maybe he's just waiting for me to end it- it begs the question why the heck doesn't he? it's only costing him more money than he needs to be spending. he's very practical & economical. maybe he's waiting for property values to go up before he kicks my butt out? who the heck can know?
i don't think he knows what the heck he's doing. i sure don't know about him OR ME either. what either of us are doing.
i have trouble letting go- did that answer anything? if i am here dbing - i'm assuming somehow i'm still invested in him and r enough to bother.
i keep thinking of my girlfriend's psychiatrist (3 times married) telling her think long and hard before walking out on what you have/had - if you have nothing wonderful to be rushing out to.
lately i'm trying not to think- not to figure- just float til i wash up on some particular bank either here or there-
xxoo - my assumptions torture me- how to know the truth without my own personal lie detector -huhj? that's the real question...
