T1000 I havent posted to you before, but i follow some folks that do and i ended up here.
Congrats on your interaction, very well done.
you've gotten what you've wanted by acting in a specific way, dont change that way. if its working, why change it?
maintain your current methods, if you must make any changes, make very slight changes, nothing drastic. stay detached.
and as others have said, you clearly stated the rules:
W: What are the necessary steps? Me: We see a MC. You go to see a therapist...
you must stick to these rules now. the zoo could be a nice afternoon, but dont go back on your word for a single afternoon. That would only show her you are not sticking to your words.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
When she saw you were not going to fall apart and beg her not to get a lawyer, she saw a tiny glimpse of you being done. You did not pursue and try to change her mind, b/c you were fine.....either way. Even though she seemed to be quite angry, she still saw a side of you she liked.
You are in a good position now. You can start taking charge and calling ome of the shots. Your next step? Be still. Don't jump back in. You have to put her to the test.
She asked you what it would take.....and you told her. I don't remember anything being said about going out together and spending time as a family. T, if you start taking ger up on these "invitations", you will be right back in the same old boat again. She doesn't want to see a therapist, and she will try to wiggle out of it by buttering you up so that you won't insist she go. The zoo is her web to draw you back in.
As simple as that. You are correct, I don't have to take any invitations because we are not at the point to do that.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
She may not be intentionally plotting to use the zoo day as a means to draw you in, but that is all she knows how to do. Your part is to hold out and stick to the stipulations you gave her. You must see some evidence that she is setting up & keeping her appointments with a therapists. Not just one time and then stop going.
She goes back to the constant TMing and sending pictures. I've told you that's how she works. You can respond sometimes, like if she asks a question worthy to answer, but do not fall into that trap of being tied to the phone and responding to all her contacts. Maybe wait till the end of the day and then make one TM. You have to stay in control of this.
We have already had a few interactions today regarding a bill for the house that was in her name. I left it a few hours before I responded. She asked me to change the name over to mine. Normally I would have crumbled and accepted her instruction. I said, it's in your name, you phone them and change it. 5 mins later she's tells me she's done it. I feel a little unsure of my actions when applying them but 9 times out of 10 she does what I ask. It surprises me but also makes me realize that I can push a little more.
I emailed her a list of books she could try and I also brought up the whole having the kids at the weekend just to make a clear plan for the next month or so. I'm curious to how she responds. It's part practical scheduling, part test.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
If she gets mad b/c you aren't dancing to her number and jumping every time she contacts by TM, stay calm and cool. Remind her that you have told her what it would take and you aren't getting back into the old patterns. You will not be going out as a family to the zoo or staying for din er at her place.....until you see her putting serious effort into those stipulations you gave.
If you don't stick to it now, it will be extremely hard later. Let her see that the old ways will no longer work.
I keep having to remind myself of where I am. That I am fine with both outcomes and doormat treatment behaviour will be rejected. It helps me get back to my centre when I'm feeling some anxiety.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
It's in mid August and knowing us two anything could happen between now and then.
That's only true if you don't have boundaries and don't abide by them.
Anything might happen on her side but you could, and I say could because it will take some doing, be right where you plan to be.
You said earlier you didn't like to think about values, because that was difficult.
So what are your boundaries? How will you express them to W? You put in the "difficult" work now and this gets so much easier. You'll no longer have to worry about every little interaction and what your response should be.
As Sandi said, you did tell your W what you would want to see from her to start working on your M. Hold that line.
See how easy that is.
That does make it look easy.
I'm going to need quite a bit of help with the whole boundary thing, I'm struggling to get my head around it unless it's put right in front of me.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
T1000 I havent posted to you before, but i follow some folks that do and i ended up here.
Congrats on your interaction, very well done.
you've gotten what you've wanted by acting in a specific way, dont change that way. if its working, why change it?
maintain your current methods, if you must make any changes, make very slight changes, nothing drastic. stay detached.
and as others have said, you clearly stated the rules:
W: What are the necessary steps? Me: We see a MC. You go to see a therapist...
you must stick to these rules now. the zoo could be a nice afternoon, but dont go back on your word for a single afternoon. That would only show her you are not sticking to your words.
Hi Ken,
Thanks for that!
I like the bit about small changes, nothing drastic.
I wanted to take the kids to the zoo, I wanted to pick them up on that day anyway so it would fit in really well. The zoo is a month off. This gives W some time to step forward and do what needs to be done or hang herself.
I agree about not going back on my word only for an afternoon. I have done things in my sitch that appeared very important at the time but didn't go well and really had zero importance.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
Don't know how you feel about it, but to me it seems that she would need to start seeing a therapist for how personal problems, before the two of you start going to MC. If she really attends the sessions with a therapist, then you will have a clearer view of her true intentions. If she's serious about the M getting to a healthy place. But if she by-passes on the therapist, she might do the same with a MC.
I hope you will pick the MC, b/C you know what kind to get. Otherwise, you stand a chance of getting one of those who just tell the WAS to do whatever makes them happy.
BTW, don't suggest DB or DR as one of the sources for your W to read.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Don't know how you feel about it, but to me it seems that she would need to start seeing a therapist for how personal problems, before the two of you start going to MC. If she really attends the sessions with a therapist, then you will have a clearer view of her true intentions. If she's serious about the M getting to a healthy place. But if she by-passes on the therapist, she might do the same with a MC.
I hope you will pick the MC, b/C you know what kind to get. Otherwise, you stand a chance of getting one of those who just tell the WAS to do whatever makes them happy.
BTW, don't suggest DB or DR as one of the sources for your W to read.
I will be picking the MC. I'm searching for solution based ones.
In regards to a therapist for her, I agree that going to therapy and working on herself before anything else would be beneficial. You know it and I know it that she has issues however I couldn't say that she see's it or knows it.
I'm happy to push for her going to therapy but until she is ready I could be banging my head against a wall. I'm not sure whether giving her an ultimatum on it is the right course or not. Theres also the cost.
What are your thoughts on Retrouville at the end of September? I hear it is very good and I think it only happens once a year in the UK. I have also read that some MC's ask couples to go to it before they start therapy.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
I was thinking that it was your W that had said in past months that she needed to see one but was on a waiting list, or trying to get the assistance for one.
If she doesn't believe she needs individual counseling, i don't see how you could force her......and it be beneficial for her. You were trying to get her help. But you can hold out for marriage counseling. I don"t believe it will survive without it.
I have never been to Retrouville, but based on what I have read, I would encould you to present it to your W. If she agrees to go with you, that will be a good sign. But if she makes up excuses, not so good.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
