I hope this will be over for you so you can relax a bit and enjoy your kids. I am glad you came to a mutual agreement. I hope he doesn't show his @$$ again and that he signs so you can all move on.
I hope I have the same luck as you have. I'm sick and tired of this as well.
More (((GM)))
WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
Oh, btw - PLEASE try to get your support check as an automatic withdrawal. Not only does this ensure that you're not sweating it every month whether he will pay it, but it removes the piss-off factor to him of him writing a check out every month.
Oh, btw - PLEASE try to get your support check as an automatic withdrawal. Not only does this ensure that you're not sweating it every month whether he will pay it, but it removes the piss-off factor to him of him writing a check out every month.
YES!!!! What she said!!!! Save yourself as many headaches as possible! Then he can't argue what he owes you out of the check. And he also can't argue that he CAN'T AFFORD to pay you.
WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
Yes, kml, I will request auto deposit. Also, my attorney will be requesting a wage assignment which will be stayed. That way if xh stops paying the DA can quickly take action to garnish his wages.
Xh is worried about being able to maintain his lifestyle and he has a gambling addition, so I don't want to rely on him to make the deposits.
The attorneys are still fine tuning the settlement agreement and separate stipulation for support. Both should be finalized and signed before the boys and I fly out next Thursday, however, xh has changed his mind so many times that I'm a little anxious about whether it will actually happen.
The boys met with the therapist this week. S16 really liked him and looks forward to going again. S13 is very shut down and doesn't want to go again. The therapist said it's up to him. I don't want to push, but if he doesn't deal with this now it will come up over and over as he goes through life. We talked about this and I think he will at least go another time.
After the session I briefly spoke with the therapist who was going to talk with xh. He was going to let him know that he abandoned the boys, that he isn't entitled to a relationship with them, that he will have to work very hard at being let back in their lives again and that will involve sorting himself out. He was also going to tell him that if and when he communicates with the boys he is not to mention me at all. I'm sure the boys told him all of the hurtful things he said about me.
On the flip side he told me that I'm doing a great job and that the boys are really nice, loyal and empathetic. It felt good to get that feedback since I've been parenting them alone for so long now. BTW, xh met with the therapist before me and the boys, gave the green light and agreed to pay 100% of the fee, so he can't later say that I found someone to support my position, etc.
Xh is a runner so I will be surprised if he actually sticks with a therapy plan long term. He will have to face a lot of issues including his childhood and gambling addiction. His life will be in an upheaval. However, if he finds the courage he may finally be able to start healing and through that reconnection with the boys may happen.
Xh acknowledged that our conversation last weekend went well. (The texts the next day did not.) He is learning what will work and what will not with me. He sent me a text while I was at work letting me know that he sent an email to me and the attorneys regarding the settlement. I replied that I was at work, didn't really know what he expected me to do at that moment, that I previously told him that I don't want to receive emails from him about legal matters and that it's also not appropriate for him to contact my attorney. Xh replied with an apology and said he wouldn't contact me while I was at work. I thanked him.
So, I've noticed some changes in xh. He has been more open with me about how he is feeling - anxious, unable to handle much verbal communication. I acknowledged that, was understanding and let him dictate the duration (referring to last weekend). I also have received several apologies from him. This is a huge change. It says to me that he's finally starting to understand his impact on others and is taking responsibility for his behavior. He isn't consistent yet, but it's a start. I do think going no NC and then setting firm boundaries when I unblocked him has been key. Also, me respecting his feelings and remaining kind has been important too. He seems very fragile and skittish, like he is learning to trust for the first time. I don't want to let him down so I feel a lot of pressure to handle myself well.
No one (in my physical world), with the exception of my parents, would understand my compassion for xh after all he's done. This does feel healthy and not co-dependent. I no longer have expectations except for how I want to be treated. My focus is on rebuilding my life.
gMom, for your sanity you should limit direct contact with him. I agree with the idea of taking care of yourself and then the boys. You need to be in a good spot and that will reap great rewards for them too.
Yes...you really need to do this.
I just read above a settlement had been reached. Good. Stay strong, love yourself, your boys and all it ever is is one step.
Last week I made it a promise to live in the now. Not easy, but it helps in these situations.
KP, thanks so much for posting. I appreciate the encouraging words and the reminder to live a day at a time. It's been so hard to do since my future has been so uncertain. Once the settlement is done I will meet with the mortgage broker, probate attorney, accountant and financial planner. I have a lot of business that needs to be addressed. Once that's done living in the moment will be so much easier.
I'm in a lather and trying to regain some perspective. I received the latest version of the settlement offer and xh is trying to reduce support again after we had this agreed too. Then, and hour later I received a text from him apologizing for bothering or upsetting me, but wanting to know if I signed the agreement. No, you jacka$$! I didn't respond. I popped an Ativan and am letting my attorney deal with it.
I feel like Jekyll and Hyde. One moment I feel compassion for this pathetic human being and the next I want to spit in his face. Am I a kind and compassionate person or a hateful one? I don't even know anymore.
My H does the same crap to me. 1 minute agrees to 1 thing then changes it, what a jacka$$.
I too feel a lot of compassionate for my STBX - for me if I dont feel the compassion for how pathetic he is I can easily hate him so so deeply because he is not doing this only to me he is nickel and diming his kids. What a loser.
Try not to live in the anger - look how much he is missing out on.
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
